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MORE OF JACK HANDEY'S HANDY-WORK:

"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar...for freshness."

"Sometimes I wish Marta was more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield, so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKS LIKE A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childish thing to do. She said, "well, maybe." Man, whose side is she on, anyway?"

"Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save our national forests."

"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

"Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around."

"If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.""

"I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself."

"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture."

"Advice to vampires: why not "do your business" as a bat, not a human. Easier that way, and less pollution."

"As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out.
"This is the fourth coat crushing this year," said the police sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow."

"I'd like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because it would finally establish a "tap barrier", and we could move on from there."

"A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."

"The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I though, "What am I doing?!""

"The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. Uh-oh, he thought. This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

"I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute to THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!"

"I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense."

"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a box and sit in a warehouse."