| Summer had now come to the sleepy, stinking village of Crap Town on the Planet Bodily Functions. As it was summer, it was June or the nose tootin� season as the local bucket heads would harp on about. Because it was June, the local schools would keep the miserable kids in for as long as it took to make their summer holidays continue mainly through the cold, windy Autumn months, thus screwing their fun and games. Hmm... reminds me of a certain High School I remember. Summer in Crap Town was obviously not all it was cracked, or crapped up to be. The vast amount of crap from around the galaxy just lying around produced the annual summer of stench. Then of course the mayor, The Left Honourable Gum Boot, would have to call in Sam. So, during the Summer of Sam as the locals called it, the stench of boredom would run rife. As well as this, hunger would soon set in as the townsfolk had to be cooped up in their houses for days on end, despite the fact they were all issued masks. But, as dim as the folk of Crap Town were, they all thought they stuck them over their butts. One good side to all this stupid pap is that for a few days, the town was remarkably fart-free. Another good side was that after this capade, there was always plenty of space beavers at the local butcher. Why nobody thought this strange was probably because they were all completely famished out of their gorts, producing scenes of mayhem and unbelievable havoc like a cake sale in Margate. It was the middle of June and the Captain and his wondrous boy of wax were sitting out on their veranda observing the carnage that is the beaver fest. As they lay on their lawn chairs, bored out of their brains the Captain quickly grabbed the portable. About one and a half-foot long and quite hairy, the Captain realised that it was in fact, a beaver. Quickly discarding it he grabbed the other portable and flicked the switch. Slowly the pathetic five-inch screen flickered and began to glow. An old episode of Stuff Burning was on. That was when the programming was actually good. As the Captain and Earwax lay with their belt buckles undone, thus exposing the summer guts, they barely noticed the irony that the television had exploded and set itself on fire. �Man! I hate irony! Ever since the invasion of the irons there has always been unjust cases of irony springing up at the most un-opportune moments!� shouted Incapable. �Well you now what this means Captain,� murmured their housekeeper. �You�re going to have to...� �No!� muttered Earwax. �Yes! That�s right, summer shopping time!� �ARRRRRGGGHHH!!!!� shouted the Captain and Earwax. Then without delay, she handed them a list, containing the most embarrassing things two male superheroes would ever have to buy, plus a T.V. So, our two, heroes, ventured out into the feeding frenzy that had befell the town. Space beavers lay flat out on the tables of hungry families complete with Venus apples stuffed in their mouths. The families dug in like ravenous, bloodthirsty somethingerothers. Scrawny townsfolk ran amuck as the Captain and Earwax proceeded down the trashed streets of Crap Town. Looking much the same as it always did, our two heroes continued with their mission, which was about to self-destruct in five seconds. So obviously, they had to shop fast. |
| Eventually, they finished their three-second shopping spree, and with haste the Captain threw the list behind him, thus exploding in Tom Cruise Control�s face. They arrived home with their lives luckily, and handed their housekeeper her items. �What the hell did you want with fish net stockings, a red baseball cap and a goat for anyway?� asked Earwax. �Never you mind you nosy bugger!� she exclaimed. The housekeeper scuttled off into her room. �Whatever she does in her own time is unknown to me, thank god,� cringed the Captain. �Come on! Let�s get this telly rigged up. The Worlds Most Hilarious, Side Splitting, Gut Wrenchingly Ridiculous Animal Farts and Jimmy Hill Impressions is coming up!� gasped Earwax. �Oh man! There�s never anything like that on telly on this planet!� said Incapable. �Well it�s just as well you don�t live on Earth isn�t it,� muttered the writer. �Eh?!� shouted Earwax. �Never mind. The wonders of a T.V. license will never cease!� he replied. Our two heroes with all the skill of a high school electronics teacher half-assedly crammed the plug in the socket and hit the on switch. �OH MY GOD!!!!!� shouted Earwax. �It�s not tuned in!� �ARRRGGGHHHH!� screamed Incapable. Quickly Incapable grabbed the instructions. �Well! No time to read this crap!� and he threw it out the window, and landing on a spiteful space beaver�s head. The Captain rushed to get scrambled, fuzzy, Channel 5 like pictures on all 2000 channels. He hit the remote, and filtered all the crap down to one channel. And with this our two heroes slouched in exasperation and lay glued, quite literally to the television. |