About Me

The minions gathered expectantly in a huddle outside the huge oak tree, snow swirling around their ankles. Minion No. 4 pulled her cloak around her in a feeble attempt to keep warm.

"How much longer are they going to be?" asked Minion No. 3 shivering violently.

"Shh, they can hear you!" said Minion No. 4, looking around nervously.

"Yeah right, they've probably forgotten that we're here at all" scoffed Minion No. 3

"What was that?" said a high pitched voice from just above them.

"Agggghhhh!" Minion No. 3 jumped backwards and tripped over her cloak.

"Idiot" muttered Minion No. 4.

"Quiet all of you!" shouted a second strange voice.

The minions fell silent immediately; no one wanted to invoke the wrath of the creators.

"Now that you have all shut up and are listening." The voice paused for a moment, " Minion No. 5..." Minion No. 5 looked fearfully up into the leafy branches of the tree, shaking violently, "Minion No. 5, take those earphones out of your ears immediately and listen to me!"

Minion No. 5 wrenched the earphones out and shoved them inside her cloak trembling.

"That's better. Now, come in..."

As the voice trailed off, a door at the bottom of the tree trunk opened slowly with much creaking and jerking. The minions crowded together fearfully, eyes wide, as the door stuttered to a stop. Minion No. 1 raised one eyebrow at the 5 inch gap but refrained from saying anything.

There was the sound of urgent scuffling from above and frantic whispering, then the first voice declared,

"Don't come in"

The minions exchanged curious looks as the sound of rapidly descending footsteps reached their ears. A shadow moved just inside the door and then there was the unmistakable sound of someone's foot connecting with very solid wood and the distinct sound of the same someone cursing loudly.

The door shifted a few more inches and finally lurched open, revealing a spiral wooden staircase, hacked out of the center of the tree. The minions stepped back apprehensively, casting their eyes over the roughly hewn flight of stairs.

"Now. Come in!" proclaimed a slightly out of breath voice from high above.

Minion No. 1 stepped forward cautiously as everyone else shrank back into the shadows of the surrounding forest. Minion No. 1 rolled her eyes and started to climb the stairs. Minions No. 2 & 4 hurried in after her, glancing around uneasily. The rest of the Minions slunk in behind them, clustering together and trying not to be noticed.

Minion No. 1 stopped at the top of the stairs to wait for the remainder of the group to catch up.

"What do we do now?" asked Minion No. 4 anxiously

"I guess we go in" replied Minion No. 1 searching for a door handle in the pitch black that surrounded them.

"Why aren't there any lights? I can't see a thing" complained Minion No. 5 sulkily

"No money?" suggested Minion No. 2, leaning against the wall.

"No, they've got money," said Minion No. 1 running her hands over the door still attempting to find a something that would open it "they just choose not to use it - Ouch!"

"What's wrong?" asked Minion No. 5 in a scared voice

"Nothing, just a splinter" said Minion No. 1 frowning

"Can't we just kick the door down?" asked Minion No. 3, fed up of waiting

Minion No. 1 smiled as she thought of what Cretin would say if they did that. "You can if you want, I'm not sure they'll be too happy about it though."

There was a short silence broken by Minion No. 2, "Hasn't anyone got a torch or something?"

"Crouton, can't you conjure fire?" asked Minion No. 4

"Oh yes, that'll be fun, let's burn up all our oxygen and set the tree alight shall we? That'll be fun" remarked Minion No. 5 sourly

"Why don't you just knock?" said a small voice from their ankles.

"Help! My shoes are talking!" yelled Minion No. 2 falling over into Minion No. 5.

There was a series of loud bangs as the two of them fell back down the stairs and a crash as they landed at the bottom in a heap. The minions listened intently and soon they heard a muffled argument floating up from below.

Crouton sighed and looked down at the small, dimly glowing creature at her feet.

"Now look what you've done."

The Elf flew up to sit on her shoulder grinning.

"Not my fault" she proclaimed folding her tiny arms determinedly.

Crouton was about to argue back when Minions No. 2 & 5 arrived, still quarrelling vehemently.

"Then why do they have tongues?" yelled Minion No. 2

"Shut up both of you" ordered Crouton

"You can't tell us what to do," said Minion No. 5 irritably

"Actually, she can," said Minion No. 4, "Rule number twelve point two five states that the high Minion can bid any minions of lower rank to do her bidding."

"It does?" asked Crouton interestedly

"Yes, erm, eventually."

"Eventually?"

"Well, it goes into quite a lengthy discussion about the word 'bidding' for a couple of pages but that's essentially what it means." Minion No. 4 giggled nervously, "I think the Creators got a bit carried away when they were using the dictator machine."

Flower the Elf, grinned smugly then tapped Crouton on the shoulder. "Are you going to knock or what?"

Crouton turned to the door and knocked. There was silence for a while and then...

"That's not supposed to happen is it?" asked Minion No. 3 frowning

Crouton shook her head; this was pointless as no one could see it but still.

"Doors don't usually knock back do they?" said Minion No. 4 peering at the door in a puzzled way.

"Do we have a secret knock?" asked Minion No. 2

"Or a password that we don't know about?" offered Minion No. 3

"How are we supposed to know if there's a password we don't know about?" asked Minion No. 4 scathingly

Minion No. 3 shrugged, "Do you have any better ideas?"

"How about 'Open the bloody door?" suggested Flower, fluttering down into the front pocket of Crouton's cloak.

"Or 'Let us in'" proposed Minion No. 5

Crouton grinned and said quietly, "Gremlin & Cretin are the greatest beings the universe"

"No they're not..." said Flower frowning, but she didn't get time to finish as the door in front of them swung open...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Er, yes, slight design fault there," said Cretin sheepishly as the minions picked themselves up off the ground.

"Slight?" asked Flower incredulously, rubbing her bruised arm. "It opens outwards! Was it your intention to kill anyone who tries to enter or did you simply find it amusing to knock people down the stairs?"

"I think 'kill' is going a bit far Flower," said Crouton picking up the tiny elf and replacing her in the safety of her pocket.

"I don't-"

"Yes we all know what you think," said Crouton quickly, interrupting before she had a chance to continue.

"Are you going to come in or not?" asked yet another disembodied voice from behind Cretin.

Cretin stepped back and the minions filed in cautiously, casting weary looks around them as they did so. It was a quite a large room considering the fact that it was hollowed out of a tree trunk, and various doors of different sizes led off from all sides.

Gremlin & Cretin were having a whispered conversation in the middle of the room and as Crouton waited expectantly for them to finish, she examined the new hideout interestedly.

The floor, wall and ceiling were wooden as would be expected when you carve a room out of a tree. There were two large chairs adorned with plush velvet cushions at the back of the room ? obviously for Gremlin & Cretin and a large table with small wooden chairs arranged around it was situated to the right of these. Crouton mentally labeled this the 'Plotting table' because of the unpleasant look of the seats. Whenever the Creators wanted you to sit around for ages and think of ideas, they tended to ensure you were never too comfortable; Crouton had always presumed this was because of their sadistic nature, but you could never be too sure with them.

Just then, the hushed conversation between Gremlin and Cretin broke into a rather less quiet argument. The minions would have rolled their eyes if they hadn't been too scared of the consequences; something like this always happened at least three times a night.

"I wonder what it's about this time," said Minion No. 4 quietly.

Crouton frowned as Gremlin stamped her foot and Cretin folded her arms defiantly. Flower flew over their heads and landed on the lamp above them listening discreetly. A few minutes later she flew back to the minions and said,

"They seem to be debating the order of the gods."

"What?" asked Minion No. 2 confused.

"Gremlin is insisting the god Bloom is the highest ranking of the divine spirits but Cretin is adamant that it is Depp who rules supreme."

"Why didn't they sort this out before we got here?" asked Crouton in a tired voice.

"I have no idea," replied Flower drifting down to sit on Crouton's shoulder, quietly adding, "I always told you they were idiots."

Crouton sighed heavily and Minion No. 5 raised her hand uncertainly, "Yes?"

"Do you think they'd notice if we went to bed? It's nearly dawn and I'm exhausted"

Crouton glanced over and the Creators, (Gremlin was now hitting Cretin over the head with the Minion rulebook) and then looked back at the disheveled ranks of minions in front of her. It was unlikely that the Creators would finish their quarrel any time soon so they might as well go to bed.

"You go, I'll wait and see if they want anything." The minions dispersed and everyone except Crouton and Flower retreated into the safety of the bedrooms.

Crouton made her way over to the pile of huge cushions that had been thrown into one corner and sat down, watching the Creators newest dispute with casual interest. Cretin had retaliated to Gremlin's book beating tactic by changing all of the Bloom gods' pictures into photos of Daniel Radcliffe. Crouton thought this was a bit harsh but was sensible enough to keep well out their way.

Five minutes later Gremlin and Cretin were sulking on opposite sides of the room and Crouton was out in the forest searching for something that would resolve the argument momentarily.

Back in the tree, Flower was sitting on top of Cretin's throne watching the Creators intently. From the way they behaved, you'd never think that someone would let them be in charge of a gnome, let alone a have a group of loyal minions following them around. Gremlin and Cretin acted like a couple of toddlers for the majority of the time and squabbled constantly but then again, even if the minions had hated them, the fights alone were reason to stay because they were usually extremely funny.

At the moment, both Creators were sulking defiantly and muttering furiously under their breaths.

A few minutes later Flower heard the sound of footsteps and Crouton pulled open the door cautiously. Flower flew over to her.

"How did you do that? I thought the door could only be opened from the inside."

Crouton pointed at the floor and Flower saw that a block of wood had been wedged just inside the door frame.

"I wasn't sure anyone would be awake when I got back" she explained then looked around the room.

Both Gremlin and Cretin had turned to look at her; she waved two rather badly wrapped parcels at them.

"Gifts. From the gods."

The Creators jumped up and nearly ran over to her, but remembered their status just in time. Creators did not run, they walked, majestically.

Crouton handed the parcels to them and waited patiently while they unwrapped them. Gremlin and Cretin cackled delightedly as they inspected the presents and started chattering excitedly to one another. Crouton left them to it and hastened up the stairs before they sent her off on another job.

Crouton found her room at the top of the staircase. She could tell it was hers because it had a plaque on the door saying 'High Minion - Do not disturb'. She open the door and stepped into quite a large room with an assortment of interesting looking objects scattered around it. Right now though, the only thing Crouton was interested was somewhere to sleep. Flower jumped off Crouton's shoulder and flew over to the dressing table.

"Nice room" she said looking around. "What are you doing?"

Crouton had walked over to a curtain on the far side of the room and pulled it open; behind was a bed.

"Finding somewhere to sleep"

"Where am I meant to sleep?" asked Flower frowning

Crouton walked back over to her, opened a drawer and took out a pile of blankets. Flower looked scornfully at them. "I'm not sleeping on them"

Crouton shrugged and climbed into bed. "I'll find something else tomorrow, they'll just have to do for now."

Flower scowled at her but Crouton was already fast asleep.
The Minions gathered around the plotting table; Minion No. 5 was sulking because she'd been unanimously elected by the others to wash up the breakfast things, but she was only one, the rest were gossiping animatedly.

"It's nice here isn't it?" said Minion No. 2 looking around.

"Yeah, bad luck about the other place though," agreed Minion No. 4

"Yeah, personally I think it was better than this. Shame it burned down really," said Minion No. 3 wistfully

"And who's fault was that?" asked Minion No. 4 pointedly

"What? No one told me we were supposed to extinguish the ceremonial candles." Said Minion No. 3 defensively.

"We weren't. You were. That was the problem." Replied Minion No. 4 sardonically.

"I thought we weren't meant to say anything about that," said Minion No. 2, frowning.

"We weren't meant to burn down the headquarters either-"

"Shut up!" shouted Crouton trying to stifle the argument before someone managed to destroy another building.

The Minions fell quiet and stared at her obediently, but just then they heard footsteps descending from above.

"Quick, positions" hissed Crouton as a door to their right opened slowly and Gremlin appeared.

"Where's Cretin?" she asked suspiciously.

The Minions exchanged looks and shrugged.

"Is she here?" asked Gremlin narrowing her eyes.

"No, I don't think she's up yet," said Crouton cautiously.

"Hmmm..." said Gremlin dubiously, "Have you sorted out my photos yet?"

"Erm... No, not yet."

"Right, you - Minion No. 4, you sort out the photos and you," she pointed to Minion No. 3, "You get Cretin's pictures and come with me. The rest of you, compose a new song dedicated to the Bloom god, yes, at least two verses." She paused, "Well?"

The Minions scuttled hurriedly to their respective jobs and Flower flew up to Crouton's room to get paper and pens. A few minutes later, only Crouton, Minion No. 2 and Flower were left in the room. Minion No. 5 claimed she had a headache and was lying down upstairs.

"What do you think Gremlin's going to do to those pictures, Crouton?"

"I don't know," lied Crouton, avoiding eye contact. In fact she had a very good idea what Gremlin was planning to do but it didn't stop her hoping she was wrong. If she wasn't, Cretin was going to go absolutely crazy, of course that wouldn't be unusual but even so.

"So, what about this new song? How many verses was it?"

"Two" replied Crouton gloomily.

Minion No. 2 sighed heavily, "Do you think one line counts as a verse?"

"Yes, but I don't think Gremlin will."

A door creaked open and Cretin entered the room smiling peculiarly, both Minions stood up hastily.

"What are you doing?" asked Cretin curiously, eyeing the sheets of paper with interest.

"Um, writing a song" said Crouton truthfully

"About the Depp god?"

"N- ouch!"

"Yes, about the Depp god." Said Crouton smiling innocently.

Cretin smiled happily, then frowned. "Have you seen my pictures?"

"Pictures?"

"Of the Depp god"

"Er-"

"Crouton! Someone's here to see you," said a streak of white light. The light skidded to a halt and revealed it to be Flower grinning delightedly.

"Do you mind?" said Cretin huffily.

"Not at all" said Flower sweetly and tugged at Crouton's arm, "Come on."

Crouton glanced at Cretin who was scowling and muttering to herself, then followed Flower down the stairs quickly.

"I wish you wouldn't do that"

Flower grinned, "Why?"

"Because you've annoyed Cretin"

"She'll get over it, especially when she sees the visitor."

"It's not the Depp god is it?"

"No, not quite that good."

They'd reached the bottom of the tree now and Crouton opened the door with a little difficulty, revealing the outline of a tall figure amidst the swirling snow.

"Hi" he said cheerfully.

Crouton grinned; Flower was right. This might even make up for the damage Gremlin was doing to the Depp god's pictures, at least, a little...

Minion No. 2 looked up as Crouton re-entered the room, Flower sitting happily on her shoulder.

"Who was it?" she asked.

A figure behind Crouton moved into the light and Minion No. 2 gasped. "It's Jonathon Ross!"

Cretin looked up sharply from her muttering and ran out of the room at top speed.

"No it's not," said Crouton rolling her eyes and sighing. "Eric, this is Minion No. 2, the person who just left was Cretin. As you may have gathered she, erm, strongly dislikes Jonathon Ross."

Eric laughed and sat down in a chair, taking in his new surroundings. Flower flew over to the table and perched on the edge, watching Minion No. 2 trying to write two songs at once.

"I'll just go and get Cretin," said Crouton hastily, and hurried up the stairs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cretin sat in her room flicking through the rulebook agitatedly, there had to be something in there that banned minions from bringing demons into headquarters. There was a quiet knock at the door, Cretin scowled and continued reading.

There was another knock, louder this time and a voice said, "Cretin?"

"Go away evil devil summoner."

Outside the door, Crouton frowned and knocked again.

"Be gone oh unfavorable demon child" said Cretin loudly.

Crouton opened the door, and stuck her head around it cautiously. A streak of light narrowly avoided her ear and she ducked out quickly, pulling the door shut after her.

A few seconds later Cretin's own head appeared in the doorframe, examining her closely.

"What do you want disobedient one?" asked Cretin suspiciously.

"Disobedient?"

"Yes, it says on page," Cretin hesitated, "page 32 of the official Minion Rulebook that minions are not allowed to bring devils, demons or," she hissed, "'Jonathon Rosses' into the sacred dwelling of the Creators."

Crouton frowned again, odd, she had always thought page 32 was devoted to the correct preparation of party food, but if Cretin said that's what it said, it must be. She should know; it had been her and Gremlin that had written the rulebook after all.

"But I haven't!" protested Crouton, "It's just my cousin, he's here on a visit. I told you last month, remember?"

Cretin thought about it, she vaguely recalled Crouton asking if one of her relatives could come and stay a while ago but that was before the whole escapade of the incinerated headquarters and the group breaking up.

"You never mentioned that he-who-shall-remain-nameless-"

"Jonath-"

"Yes him! No need to say his bloody name," cried Cretin hastily, "you never said that he was your relative. It's an offense to withhold interesting information from the Creators you know Crouton."

Crouton did know this, she also knew that there was a lot of 'interesting information' that the minions tried to keep from the Creators and she knew as well that this was an utterly pointless exercise - the Creators knew everything, they just didn't let on that they did.

Crouton took a deep breath and said, "Jon- I mean, that-evil-mind-numbingly-dull-spawn-of-Satan is not downstairs. It's my cousin."

Cretin surveyed her dubiously, then relented. "Why did Minion No. 2 say it was then?"

"Er..."

"Crouton? Are you up there?" called a slightly foreign sounding voice from far below.

"Yeah, hang on a minute Eric." Crouton shouted back.

Cretin froze, staring at Crouton in disbelief.

"Is that-?"

"Eric. My cousin. From Australia."

"Eric Bana?" asked Cretin in a small, shocked voice.

"Eric Bana" replied Crouton, "But I could always send him away if-"

"NO! No. No need to do that," said Cretin clutching at Crouton's arm and laughing nervously. "Wait there" she commanded and dashed into her room. She emerged a few moments later, hair brushed and ceremonial robe on straight for once.

Crouton led the way down the sharply twisting staircase and out into the main room. Minion No. 2 was looking up at Eric in awe while he stood uncomfortably by the plotting table.

Flower flew over to Crouton as she emerged and perched on her shoulder once more.

"Hi Eric, this is Cretin, my, um, boss" said Crouton gesturing to Cretin who was standing behind her.

Eric smiled and bowed graciously to Cretin who grinned delightedly.

"I'm honoured to make your acquaintance," said Eric pleasantly.

A door creaked open behind them and Gremlin and Minions No. 3 and 4 joined them. Minion No. 4 dropped the box she was carrying when she saw Eric and Cretin. Gremlin looked guiltily at Cretin who was still grinning.

"This is Eric," said Cretin, "he's going to be staying with us for a while."

Gremlin smiled as Crouton introduced her to Eric.

"Why don't you two show Eric around," suggested Crouton innocently, "I'm sure he'd love to see where he's going to be staying for the next week or two."

Cretin and Gremlin immediately led Eric up one of the staircases that led to the very top of the tree, from which there was an outstanding view of the rest of the forest.

When they'd left, Crouton closed the door quietly behind her turned to the other minions who were gazing at her rather sheepishly. Right, she thought, time to organise this lot.

"Minion No. 4, bring me that box, Minion No. 2, go and get Minion No. 5, if she won't come down, tell her I'll send Flower up-"

"Oi!" said a small voice from Crouton's shoulder.

"Minion No. 3, get your guitar, we've got a few songs to write."

As the minions sped to their tasks, Crouton smiled. Minions really were quite industrious, they just needed to be told what exactly what to do.

"I resent that you know Crouton," said Flower sulkily.

"Sorry, but it worked," she said as Minion No. 5 shuffled in followed by Minion No. 2.

"What are we going to do anyway?" asked Flower curiously.

Minion No. 4 handed Crouton the large box she had dropped earlier.

"I'm going to sort out these pictures before Cretin and Gremlin get back," said Crouton grimly opening the box gingerly.

Multiple copies of a lop-sided face grinned blearily up at her. Crouton smiled despairingly, Gremlin could be very cruel sometimes; a memory of a frog shaped face came back to her dimly; then again, so could Cretin.
The minions had fallen asleep around the plotting table by the time Gremlin and Cretin returned from showing Eric around. The Creators glared angrily at them muttering about the insolence and blatant disobedience of their followers; Eric glanced at them nervously, not quite sure what to do. He half wanted to excuse himself but this was made rather difficult because of the fact that somehow both of the Creators appeared to have coincidentally 'forgotten' to show him where his room was.

"They should be doing our bidding,"

"Bidding"

"Bidding"

"Bidding"

"Yet they are sleeping. Disobedient minions"

"Disobedient. What should we do to them, Cretin?"

"Wake them up?"

Gremlin rolled her eyes and said, "I mean what punishment should we give them"

"Oh"

There was a pause, then Cretin suggested, "We could throw them into the pit of snakes and scorpions"

"No we couldn't"

"Why not?"

"We haven't got one any more"

"What! Why?"

"It burnt down and no one's replaced it yet."

"Oh. Whose job was that?"

"One of the minions"

"Which one?"

"Don't know, ask Crouton."

"Crouton, whose job was it? Crouton?"

The Creators looked at Crouton who was fast asleep, pen in hand. Flower was dozing next to her, leaning on her arm.

Gremlin walked over to Crouton and poked her until she woke up.

"Crouton, whose job was it to restock the pit of snakes and scorpions?"

Crouton stared blearily up at them, rubbing her eyes.

"Er, Minion No. 6 I think"

"Where is she?"

Crouton frowned, then said, "No idea"

"But you're meant to know where everyone is," said Gremlin scowling.

"Minion No. 6 ran away after the Great Fire, no one's seen her since."

"Why didn't you look for her?" asked Cretin sternly

"I tried, but-"

"Go and find her."

"What?"

"Go and find her and then bring her back here"

"And if she won't come," added Gremlin, "you must grab her, and pull her, along."

"Now go, and don't come back till you've found her. That's an order Crouton, you're not allowed to step foot in this place again until you've brought back Minion No. 6"

"And the others, there were more"

"But especially Minion No. 6"

"Remember, grab them-"

"-And pull them"

"-Along" finished both Creators.

Crouton looked up at them and sighed inwardly, it was times like these that made her wonder if she had made a mistake in becoming a minion. She got up, causing Flower to fall backwards suddenly.

"Sorry Flower" she said checking if she was ok.

Flower eyed her suspiciously, "Where are you going?"

"Never you mind," said Gremlin picking up a sheet of scribbled writing from the table.

Flower stuck her tongue out at Gremlin and flew onto Crouton's shoulder defiantly.

"Stay here Flower," said Crouton, picking up her cloak.

"I want to come with you"

"You must stay here," said Cretin "You must do our bidding"

Flower flew sulkily back to the table and sat on Minion No. 3's sleeping head.

Crouton pushed open the door and descended into the inky blackness beyond it.

"Now Minions, wake up," said Cretin looking at them.

Nobody moved.

"Gremlin?"

"Yes Cretin?"

"Shall we poke them?"

Gremlin shrugged, "Ok"

Flower flew over to Eric who was standing uncomfortably by one of the many doors.

"You can sleep in Crouton's room, she won't be back for ages"

"She'll be alright won't she," asked Eric, still watching the Creators scolding the sleeping minions.

" Yeah, she'll be fine. Come on, I'll show where the room is."

~~~~~~~~~~

Outside the oak tree, Crouton stood in the knee deep in icy snow, snowflakes falling softly about her and looked around. She had no idea where to start looking, and it was already getting lighter. Minions were nocturnal creatures; they didn't like sunlight. This particular forest was extremely dense, so not much light filtered down to ground level, but Crouton was still tired and all she wanted to do was sleep.

A few leaves floated down from above her and she looked up. A small face stared down at her.

"I thought I told you not to come," said Crouton grinning.

"No, you said 'stay here'. I was on your shoulder at the time," Flower hovered in front of her "so I have to stay with you."

"Cretin told you to stay inside"

Flower grimaced. "I'm not a minion. I don't have to do her bidding, or anyone else's. Now hurry up and find somewhere to sleep, I'm freezing."

Crouton smiled, and shrugged a hand out of her cloak. Flower glided down and sat on her shoulder watching closely as a small ball of fire erupted, floating gently in Crouton's open hand. The snow around them melted in the presence radiating heat from the glowing orb.

The High Minion smiled and hurried away from the headquarters, soon vanishing amongst the surrounding trees.

Gremlin & Cretin sat in their thrones majestically. Cretin was currently absorbed in 'The Minion Rule Book - Volume 1'. There wasn't a second volume, but both Creators had thought it sounded much more impressive if it had long words in the title.

Gremlin was flicking through an assortment of ink spattered pages - the minions' song ideas, frowning. So far, she'd noticed, there were 11 mentions of the Depp god and only 9 of the Bloom god; she was getting the feeling that certain Minions were letting their worship schedules lapse somewhat. She turned another page and saw an entire poem devoted to the Bloom god; she recognised the handwriting - Minion No. 4. Smiling happily she curled up on the velvet cushions and read contentedly.

Cretin shut the rule book with a snap and looked around the empty room; they'd sent the minions to their rooms so they could plan in private. Between them, the Creators had come up with a total of 69 suitable punishments for the Minions but they all required some sort of pit - something which the headquarters was currently lacking.

Another possible option was exile, but banishing your subjects for sleeping on the job was something only foolish people did, and despite popular belief, the Creators were not stupid. They were a little odd sometimes, well a lot, but they could afford to be. Only intelligent people can afford to act dumb, stupid people are just laughed at. No, banishing minions was a bad idea; after all, it left you with fewer followers and the risk of a potential uprising started by the outcasts.

Suddenly, Cretin heard a knock at the door. She looked at Gremlin ha also stopped reading and was looking towards the door, evidently as confused as she was. Who on earth would be visiting at this time?

"Flower?" called Cretin, "See who's at the door." There was a pause, "Flower?" asked Cretin.

No answer, no muffled giggles.

"Where is she?" demanded Cretin, frowning at Gremlin who shrugged.

"How should I know? She always hangs around with Crouton..."

Realisation dawned on the Creators. The hammering from somewhere beneath them grew more urgent.

"Shall I get it then?" asked Cretin resignedly.

Gremlin shrugged and turned back to her reading.

Cretin climbed out of her throne, staggered over to the door and opened a panel just to the right of it, uncovering a colourful selection of buttons and levers. She selected a bright red lever and pulled hard. Far below the door creaked open and someone clambered up the steep flight of stairs.

Cretin pushed open the door and peered into the darkness.

"Who's there? That had better not be you Crouton."

A small gnome appeared at her feet, gasping for breath.

"Are you her most highly esteemed creator Cretin?" it asked squinting up at her.

"That depends on who's asking,"

"Her Ladyship is waiting in the forest. She wishes to know if you still have room for an old friend"

Cretin frowned uncertainly, she only knew one person who went by the title of 'Lady', but surely...

"Not Lady Darcy?" she asked dubiously.

"Yes, her Ladyship herself" replied the gnome, now bent over in a bow. Cretin wasn't entirely sure if this was out of respect or lack of breath but smiled graciously anyway.

"Of course she can stay, she's very welcome, fetch her immediately."

The gnome nodded and leapt back down the stairwell.

"Who was it?" asked Gremlin gazing at her over the sheaf of papers in her hands.

"One of Lady Darcy's messengers"

"Lady Darcy? She's here?"

"Yes, coming to stay for a while"

Gremlin grinned and descended from her throne, joining Cretin by the door; Lady Darcy appeared a few moments later smiling warmly.

"Welcome back," said Cretin beaming.

Lady Darcy grinned, "It's nice here isn't it?" she said, taking in the suroundings

"Wait till you see the other guest," said Gremlin, smiling mysteriously

Lady Darcy looked puzzled as Cretin & Gremlin dragged her across the room and up a flight of stairs.

"That was not the appropriate way to treat a Lady you know," said Lady Darcy reproachfully.

"Sorry," apoligised Cretin, "It's a hard habit to break"

"It's worth it though" said Gremlin, and pushed open the door.

"What exactly am I meant to be seeing?" asked Lady Darcy frowning.

The Creators stared around the room bewildered, then a curtain moved on the opposite side of the room and a head poked around it.

"Er, hi" said a distinctly Australian accent.

The Creators grinned at each other mischieviously.

"Hi Eric," they replied in unison...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Umm, could someone pass me a towel?" he asked blushing slightly.

Gremlin, Cretin and Lady Darcy stared at him blankly.

"A towel?" he prompted again, "You know, the big soft thing made of fabric that you use to dry yourselves with?"

There was the sound of many small pairs of feet hurriedly ascending the stairs, the Creators peered around lady Darcy to see who it was.

"Your Ladyship, you forgot your parasol!" said a diminutive figure at the front of a little band of gnomes.

"I thought I burnt it- I mean, I thought it was burnt," amended Lady Darcy quickly.

"We brought a spare, Ladyship," said the gnome brightly, holding it up.

Lady Darcy uttered some very unladylike words when she saw it and, ignoring Cretin & Gremlin's laughter, snatched it from the gnome and held it reluctantly at her side. The gnomes smiled happily and waited silently to be given orders.

"Why do you need a parasol indoors?" asked Cretin sniggering

Lady Darcy scowled at her and didn't answer.

"Um, hello? Towel?" said Eric from the shower.

A gnome scuttled past them, grabbed a towel from the wardrobe and handed it to him.

"Spoilsport" muttered Gremlin, glaring at him.

"Go away Leprechaun" said Lady Darcy irritably, "Go... unpack my things"

"We've already done that mistress," said a particularly short gnome merrily, "And we've prepared a meal, it's set out downstairs."

Cretin and Gremlin looked at Lady Darcy expectantly as the gnomes tugged on the hem of her dress.

"Erm, they're enthusiastic!" apologized Lady Darcy as they were ushered downstairs.

"So are the Minions but they'd never have given Eric back his towel," mumbled Cretin bitterly.

When the three of them were seated, Lady Darcy sent the gnomes away looked up at her friends smiling weakly.

"So, how've you been?"

"Fine. How'd you find us?"

Lady Darcy grinned, "Intuition. Why'd you move anyway?"

Gremlin and Cretin exchanged wary looks, "Weelll... You remember Minion No. 6 & 8?"

Lady Darcy nodded apprehensively.

"Well, we told Minion No. 6 to light the fire and Minion No. 8 sort of ended up burning down the headquarters," said Cretin ruefully

"Oh"

"Yes"

"Well, it was a bit draughty anyway..." said Lady Darcy reminiscently

"And the door got stuck whenever it rained..." added Gremlin

"Of course the door here gets stuck even when it doesn't rain..." said Cretin thoughtfully

"Shut up" said Gremlin

"You shut up"

"Why should I?"

"Why should I?"

"Because you talk too much!"

"And you don't?"

"No"

"Yes you do!"

"How can you be so sure? Just then you had to ask me if I talked-"

"Oh be quiet"

Lady Darcy grinned, she'd missed these arguments when she was with Darcy. Sometimes she regretted leaving, but then again, you couldn't have everything.

Gremlin and Cretin were glaring at each other over the dinner table, arms folded defiantly. Lady Darcy searched for something to say.

"So, where's Crouton?"

"Out. Where's Darcy?"

"At home. Why's Crouton outside? It's freezing out there."

"Because she's on a mission. Things going well with Darcy?"

"Why is it that every time you ask that, I always get the feeling that you want the answer to be no?"

"Trust your instincts" grumbled Cretin quietly

"Things are going very well thank you," said Lady Darcy, determinedly disregarding this comment.

"Oh well, give it time"

"I said things were alright!"

"I heard" said Gremlin, avoiding her eye.

Lady Darcy sighed and let her gaze wander around the room wistfully.

"So, how long are you planning on staying?"

"How long can I stay?"

The Creators glanced at each other and grinned, "As long as you want..." they replied in unison.

Lady Darcy smiled thankfully

"...Noggin" added Cretin slyly. Lady Darcy grimaced and threw a sausage at her.

"Shut up Cretin."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Outside in the snowy forest, a black hooded figure moved silently through the trees. Loping softly behind them was a smaller person, bent double. The figure stopped and pulled something out of it's pocket; it was a map of the forest. The hunched person sidled up and peered at the piece of paper.

The black robed individual turned it's gaze on her and she hurriedly shrunk away. After a few minutes, the map was deposited in the pocket once more and the people stalked away again, soon lost amongst the shadows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Who was that?" asked Flower, being uncharacteristically quiet.

Crouton peered at their rapidly retreating backs and frowned.

"I've no idea" she said softly.

"And why did they have a map of the forest with our headquarters marked on it?"

Crouton bit her lip, she'd been wondering exactly the same thing.

"Should we be worried?"

"No, but Cretin & Gremlin should"

"We're not going to warn them?"

Crouton sighed as Flower fluttered onto a branch just in front of her.

"One - they won't let us back in till we've found Minion No. 6 and two - they can look after themselves."

Flower looked unconvinced.

"They wouldn't have got to be where they are now if they couldn't handle a few odd strangers. Anyway, come on we'd better get moving again."

"Shouldn't we at least follow them?"

"Why bother? We know where they're going."

Crouton jumped down from the tree and brushed the snow off her robes, after a few moments, Flower followed, settling on her shoulder.

"Where next?"

Crouton thought for a while, "The hut next to the pine trees?"

"Ok, lets go"

Crouton wrapped her cloak around her and set off again, heading for the pine tree enclosure.

The next evening the minions had congregated in the main room. Neither of the Creators had come downstairs yet, and it was nearly midnight. The food that had been taken up to them was untouched. It was all very mysterious.

Minion No. 4 came back from delivering food to Eric. He was refusing to come down himself because everyone kept staring at him and as Crouton wasn't there, no one had told them to stop.

There was the sound of footsteps on the stairs and as the minions turned to look, a dozen small garden ornaments came tumbling into the room.

"Ahhh! How sweet!" exclaimed Minion No. 2 rushing over to them to pick one up. "Where d'you think they came from - OUCH!" She dropped the gnome she was holding and clutched her hand. "It bit me!"

"I'm not an it, I'm a he! I'm called Leprechaun." scowled the gnome, sticking its tongue out in disgust.

The rest of the minions sidled up and peered down at the small figures curiously. One of the them stepped forward and drew itself to it's full height - an amazing 6 inches, coughed, and announced: "Make way for her Ladyship, Mrs N. Darcy."

"Darcy?" asked Minion No. 5. "Who's Darcy?"

"Lady Darcy," corrected another gnome reproachfully.

"You mean Noggin?" asked Minion No. 4 grinning.

The gnomes stared at her blankly. "Who?" asked a particular small one.

"Noggin. The third creator," supplied Minion No. 3 happily.

"There was a third creator?" asked Minion No. 2 raising her eyebrows in astonishment.

"Of course. You didn't know?"

"No, Cretin and Gremlin never said."

"That's because they were upset with her for leaving them. At least, that's what Crouton thought. Where is she anyway?"

"Those two maniacs that you follow around sent her off on a mission," said Eric, speaking for the first time that evening.

"The creators aren't mad!" objected Minion No. 2 hotly.

This comment was greeted by an uncomfortable pause.

"They're not!" she looked around at the others who appeared to be acutely interested in the floor and ceiling all of a sudden. "Well, not really…"

"Erm, hello?" came a small voice from ground level. "Aren't we forgetting something? Lady Darcy? Make way?"

The minions shuffled a few metres away from the doorway and waited expectantly. There was a long pause then there was some frantic whispering between two of the gnomes at the back of the group.

"No, that was your job!"

"No it wasn't, it was yours!"

The minions grinned, the loved watching arguments like this - this invariably ended in a fight.

"Shall we both go and get her then?"

"Ok, race you!"

The two gnomes skipped off up the stairs leaving the minions gaping after them.

"They didn't even try to get out of it," said Minion No. 3 in an appalled whisper when she'd overcome the initial shock.

"I know! Have they no self respect?" asked Minion No. 4, horrified.

"We are still here you know," piped up the gnome who'd bitten Minion No. 2 huffily.

"Your point being?" asked Minion No. 4 folding her arms.

The gnome was about to reply when two small voices yelled in unison, "Make way for the Supreme eminence herself - Lady Darcy!"

"Supreme eminence?" jeered Minion No. 4 bitterly, "What kind of person calls themselves ' supreme eminence'? Is that even a proper title?"

Leprechaun stamped hard on her toe. Well, not so much stamped as jumped up and down on it.

"Ow!"

Leprechaun smirked at her mischievously, then turned his attention to his mistress.

Lady Darcy came hesitantly down the steps and smiled sheepishly at the minions. "Sorry about this," she said quietly, stepping over her devoted assistants. "They're a bit-"

"Mistress! Your parasol!" shouted another of the gnomes, dragging it down the stairs.

"And your white gloves!" called four more, racing down behind the parasol bearing gnome, holding the elbow length gloves above their heads and beaming dementedly.

Lady Darcy politely ignored them and asked, "Aren't Gremlin and Cretin down yet?"

"No, they didn't touch their food either. We haven't seen them since last night."

"That's not like them, they're usually up before anyone else," said Lady Darcy frowning, "At least, they used to be…" she added sadly.

"Don't worry, they'll come down eventually. How's Darcy?" asked Minion No. 3 cheekily.

"He's fine."

"I bet Cretin and Gremlin were pleased to hear that," said Minion No. 4, only just managing to keep a straight face.

"They weren't actually," replied Lady Darcy mournfully.

"They'll get over it," assured Minion No. 3.

"Noggin?"

Lady Darcy spun around glaring but she couldn't see anyone.

"Up here," said the voice again.

Lady Darcy looked up; a small elf was grinning down at her from the beams overhead.

"Flower?"

Flower fluttered down, hovering in front of her. "I didn't know you were back. Crouton sent me to tell Cretin and Gremlin that she's found Minion No. 7 and that there's two evil people coming to try and invade HQ. Probably. They didn't look too friendly."

"Two-"

"Yes. She thinks they'll know what to do. Personally I don't think they could-"

"Flower?" interrupted Minion No. 3.

"Yes?"

"You know you wanted us to tell you when to shut up?"

"Uh huh."

"Now would be a good time."

Flower made a face then said, "Anyway, Crouton's going to find Minion No. 6/8 with Minion No. 7. Oh, and Eric?"

"Yes?" asked Eric cautiously.

"She also said the minions will stop staring at you if you give them cookies or something sweet. Sugar distracts them."

Eric stared at her disbelievingly.

"And shiny things fascinate Cretin. And Gremlin loves milk. And they both adore pictures of their gods. Got all that? Where are they anyway?"

"Sulking probably," muttered Minion No.3, "You know what they're like."

Flower grinned knowingly. She knew what they were like alright.

"Right. Good luck then, I'm off back to Crouton. Remember to tell them about Minion No. 7 and the weird stalker people. Byeeeeeee."

Flower dived and then soared up one of the passageways.

"Bye," said Lady Darcy, taking her parasol and gloves from the gnomes. "Go away you lot. Go make my bed."

The gnomes scuttled away happily and Lady Darcy handed the bright pink parasol and pristine gloves to Minion No. 3. "Burn these will you? I'm going to wake up Gremlin and Cretin."

And with that she strode over to the stairs and climbed them determinedly.

Flower twirled through the air towards the two huddled figures on the ground. As she got closer, she saw that Crouton had lit a fire and was cooking something on it.

"I told them," she said happily, perching on Crouton's shoulder. "Well, I told Noggin. She'll tell them."

"Noggin?" asked Minion No. 7, poking the sausages experimentally. "I thought she went off to marry Darcy?"

"She did," said Crouton frowning, "I wonder why she's back."

"Homesick?"

"Maybe."

Flower shrugged, "The Mighty Two are having one of their strops again."

Crouton laughed, then asked, "Isn't it Cretin's birthday soon?"

Flower thought for a bit then said, "In a couple of weeks I think."

"Hmm...;"

"What? What are you planning?" asked Flower suspiciously.

"Well... We're on the outskirts of the forest right? And who else do we know who lives outskirts of the forest?"

Minion No. 7 grinned, "We'd have to get both though, Gremlin wouldn't be too happy if we only brought one."

"True. Still, what do you think?"

"I think she's going to hyperventilate," said Flower, hovering closer to the fire.

The two minions laughed.

"Probably, but we should do it anyway," said Minion No. 7, taking the sausages off the fire.

Flower frowned. "Who said that was a reason for not doing it?"