The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed

Home Thoughts for Everyday Life Back Next

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated college so much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign advertising his services. He told a kid to paint a sign board for him and put it above his clinic entrance.

Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply.

He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.

One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist into the 3 words. His new sign read:

Psycho- the- rapist.

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started towards their cars. However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave.

As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "Don't worry, it's just his pager."

My Dad, an Auto Mechanic, received a repair order that read, "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation, "Remove bowling ball from trunk".

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St.Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?

"God asks,"What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.

3. Maintenance is extremely high.

4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.

5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.

6. The rear end wobbles too much.

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

8. The headlights are usually too small.

9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

Just to name a few."

"Hmmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute."

God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A man in a hot-air balloon realized that he was lost. Upon reducing altitude he spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot-air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"Yes," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything that you told me is technically correct; but I have no idea of what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been of much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well, said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going,and you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect someone else to solve your problem for you. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A Television Program Organizer (Lady) went to make an Interview with a farmer seeking the main reason that caused Cow Madness. (Mad Cow disease)

The Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Cow Madness. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

The Farmer, stared at the lady and said, "Do you know that the Bull f...s the cow once a year?

The Lady getting embarassed: "Well sir, that's a new piece of information,but what's the relation between this phenomena and Cow Madness?

The Farmer : Well Mam, do you know that we milk the Cow FOUR times a day!!!

The Lady : Sir this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point!

The Farmer : I am getting to the point Mam. Just imagine,if I am playing with your Tits FOUR TIMES A DAY and F...ING YOU ONCE A YEAR, won't you get Mad?

I wonder if you can figure this one out?!! snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake.

The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too. Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by frog who jumps into the water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, guess what product is being advertised?

Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers. If you can't figure it out just scroll down for the answer.

"SEVEN UP"

Malaysian Telephone Service Providers

For your reading pleasure...........

Malaysian Telephone Service Providers and what they really mean:

010 - ART 900 - Always Repair Telephone

011 - ATUR - Absolutely Terrible and Useleess Radiophone

012 - Maxis - Moronic And Xtremely Inferioor System

013 - TM Touch - Too Many TMTouch Owners UUsually Change Handphones

016 - DiGi 1800 - Don't Invest In Garbage Instruments

017 - ADAM - Always Dropping And Malfunctiioning

018 - Mobifon - Most Often Bought In Fake Obnoxious Nightmarkets

019 - CELCOM - Cannot Enjoy Line Clarity oon Outgoing Messages

Ah Beng bought a Honda Accord VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her.

So there Ah Beng was, telling and bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.>

"This ah so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"

"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.

"Somemore hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"

So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"

So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator.

The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.

"Alamak! What are you doing?!!! Lu Siao Char Bor! Lu see lah!!!!" screamed Ah Beng.

"Solee, solee, pai seh lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!" Ah Lian said.

A secretary and an American Boss were in a modern office, facing each ther. The Boss as an absent-minded man and one morning he forgot to zip his flyer as well as forgot to wear his underpants.

Seeing that the Boss was not wearing underpants with his flyer not zipped, the secretary was embarrassed to inform him of his unpleasantness. But she told him in a nicer way:-

Secretary : "Boss, this morning, I passed your house, your garage was opened."

The Boss was surprised so he said he didn't believe it because when he came out, the garage was properly locked. The Secretary again said "Yes, your garage is still open!"

Seeing this the Boss rang up the wife and checked and was told that the garage as locked the whole morning. After this the secretary was embarrassed to tell him further. After a short while, the Boss was searching his pockets for a cigarette and on going through his pants, he found that he had not worn his underpants and his flyer was not zipped.

In order to save the embarrassement that he has been through, he asked the Secretary.

Boss : "You said my garage was opened this morning. Did you see my ROLLS ROYCE?"

Secretary : "Oh No ! .........I did not see your ROLLS ROYCE but I've seen your MINI MINOR with two punctured tyres !

President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the free World."

"Oh...Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your Life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares,"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to 'abandon all hope,' just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

An applicant was filling out a job application.  When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people, who had answered in the affirmative  to the last one, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

Judge to defendant: Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time?

Defendant: Well, you come every day.

Why did the man also wear a wet shirt?

Because the shirt's label said: "Wash and wear."

A teacher was testing the young student's intelligence.  When is your birthday dear? asked the teacher to his six-year old.

"22nd February", said the child.

"Which year my dear?" Asked the teacher.

"Every year", said the child with a smile.

Sunny: My mom took me to the cemetery last Sunday.

Sonia: Oh! anyone died?

Sunny: Yes All of them.

Knock, Knock. Who's there?

Opportunity.

Can't be.

Why Not?

Opportunity knocks only once.

Q: What is the best place to go to when you are dying?

A: The living room.

Q: Why are doctors and lawyers never perfect?

A: Because they are always practising.

Raju: How many sides does a circle have?

Ravi: A circle does not have any side."

Raju: Yes, it does, the inside and the outside.

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper on the first ring, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whisper, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other in hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a button.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter
asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him
a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch!"

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

First Soldier: Why did you join the army?

Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined.

How about you? Why did you join the army?

First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.

Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off." The second guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast." The third guy says, "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out."

\ \ Q. What are a woman's four

/ / /\ favorite animals?

/ / .-` ` ` ``-. / ^ ` - .

\ \ / \_/ {|} `o A. A Mink in the closet,

\ \ / .,,,,,,,,. \ \ _ , - - ' a Jaguar in the garage,

\ \ / / \, \ ( `^^^ a Tiger in the bedroom,

\ \ / \ ( \ ) and an Ass to pay for it all.

\ ) \ ) \ \

) /__ \ __ ) (\ \___

(___) ) )__) ) (__) ) (__)))

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"

He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight to that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Read this love letter .. it is so funny ! This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....

However, the girl's father does not like him and want them stop the relationship......

So the boy wrote this letter to the little girl.

1 "The great love that I have for you

2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you

3 grows every day. When I see you

4 I do not even like your face;

5 the one thing that I want to do is to

6 look at other girls. I never wanted to

7 marry you. Our last conversation

8 was very boring and has not

9 made me look forward to seeing you again.

10 You think only of yourself

11 If we were married, I know that I would find

12 life very difficult, and I would have no

13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart

14 to give, but it is not something that

15 I want to give to you. No one is more

16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not

17 able to care for me and help

18 I sincerely want you to understand that

19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor

20 if you think this the end. Do not try

21 to answer this. Your letters are full of

22 things that do not interest me. You have no

23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,

24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that

25 I am still your boyfriend."

So bad..... However, the boy told the girl before to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning only to read 1.3.5.7.9.11.13......

So...Please read it again!....it's so smart n sweet...

(> ”” <)

( * o * )

(,,) . (,,)

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Home Thoughts for Everyday Life Back Next