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Four life insurance agents were boasting about their insurance coverage to each other.

 

1^st agent,  “I have the best policy.  Our company offers a coverage from Basket to Casket.”

 

2^nd agent,  “That’s peanut compared to mine.  We offer a coverage from Womb to Tomb.”

 

3^rd agent, “Yours definitely can’t compare with mine.  My policy covers from Sperm to Worm.”

 

4^th agent,  “So three of you think you have good coverage ?   They can’t beat mine, my policy covers from Erection to Resurrection.”

 

 

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks hi dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer… you’re in the wrong place.”

 

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Pretty soon, engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

 

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalator and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

 

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So…how’s it going down there in hell ?”  Satan replies, “Hey, things going great !  We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalator, there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next !”

 

God replies, “What ?!  You’ve got an engineer ?  That’s a mistake !  He should never have gotten down there.  Send him up here !”

 

Satan proclaims, “No way!  I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him !”

 

God declares, “Send him back or I’ll sue !”

 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right, and just where are you going to get a lawyer ?”

 

 

 

Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

 

“My name is Billy.  What’s yours ?”  asked the first boy.

 

“Tommy,”  replied the second.

 

“My daddy’s an accountant.  What does your daddy do for a living ?”  asked Billy.

 

Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

 

“Honest ?” asked Billy.

 

“No, just the regular kind,”  replied Tommy.

 

 

One day, on top of a big navy ship, all the “big people” of Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia came together to show each other that their soldiers are very brave and they are prepared to do anything for their country even sacrifice their lives.  All of them looked very confident and they were very eager to show that their soldiers have the most guts.

 

Dr. M steps forward with his nose high up in the air, and summons one of his best soldiers.  There were big and hungry sharks swimming around the ship.  Dr. M said to his soldier, “I want you to prove your courage and swim around this ship once.”

 

The soldier obeyed the order and so he swam one round.  Panting, he reported back to Dr. M.  “Sir !  I did what you told me, sir ! “  

“Good, good !” replied Dr. M,  “See what I told you ?  My soldier has the most guts!”

 

“Nah !” replied Mr Habibie, “That is nothing…. My soldier can do better than that !”  So he called up his best soldier and said, “I want you to swim around this ship 3 times.”  Off went the soldier.

 

He returned after some time.  Breathing heavily, he reported, “Sir ! I did what you want, sir !”

“Good, good !  That’s my man !”  Habibie said with a big confident smile, thinking he had proved that his soldier was the most courageous.

 

But then Mr Goh Chok Tong stepped steadily to the front.  “That was nothing, I can prove mine is the one with the most guts !”

 

So he called up his best soldier, “You !  I want you to swim around this ship 6 times and bring me back a shark !”  he ordered.

 

For a while, the soldier stopped.  There was silence in the deck.

 

Then all of a sudden, he shouted angrily,  “FUCKING ASSHOLE, you think I’m mad is it ?  So stupid want to sacrifice myself for this stupid thing !”

 

Then Mr Goh Chok Tong smiled and patted the soldier’s shoulder.  He turned to Habibie and Dr. M and said confidently,  “See what I told you …  GOT GUTS, right ? Scold me bad words some more !”

 

 

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!”

 

 

It’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.  Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.  Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.  Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. 

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint.  At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen :

Dearest wife, just got checked-in.  Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S.  Sure is hot down here.

 

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.  After gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, is this seat taken ?”  She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight !”  Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.  Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.  She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.  You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”  To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200 ?”

 

A ten year old boy is walking down the street dragging a dead frog on a string.  He walks up into a whorehouse and says to the madame, “I would like one girl please.”

The madame looks at the young boy and says, “I’m sorry I can’t help you, you’re too young.”  So the boy digs into his pocket and whips out two hundred bucks and throws it on the counter.  The madame picks up the money and says, “I think we will be able to work something out here.”  The boy says, “On one condition … the girl has to have active herpes.”  The madame drops the money back onto the counter and says, “Well I’m sorry I can’t help you.  All my girls are clean, they get tested every week.”  So the boy digs back into his pocket and whips out another two hundred bucks and throws it onto the counter.  The madame says, “Actually, I think I have just the girl for you.”  So the boy goes upstairs and does his thing with the girl.  He is on his way down the stairs to leave and he’s still dragging that dead frog by a string.  The madame stops him as he’s leaving and says, “Can I ask you a question before you leave ?” and the kid says, “Yeah sure.”  The madame asks, “Why in the hell would a kid your age want a girl with active herpes ?  You’re gonna keep that the rest of your life, that’s insane !”  The boy retorts, “Well it goes like this .. I’m gonna go home now and fuck my babysitter.  About 11:00 tonight mom and dad will come home.  Dad will take the babysitter home and he’ll fuck her.  Then he’ll come back that same night and fuck my mom.  Then about 9:00 tomorrow morning the milkman comes, and that’s the motherfucker who killed my frog !”

 

 

Dad  :  Son, come in here, we need to talk.

Son  :  What’s up, Dad ?

Dad  :  There’s a scratch down the side of the car.  Did you do it ?

Son  :  I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that I can say, truthfully, that I didn’t  scratched the car.

Dad  :  Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since.  How can you explain the scratch ?

Son  :  Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car.  While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad  :  But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, and saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away.  So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car ?

Son  :  Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it.  Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car.  I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad  :  Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox ?

Son  :  Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street.  I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad  :  So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox ?

Son  :  No sir, that’s not my statement.  I’ll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad  :  But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact ?

Son  :  Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad  :  So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car ?

Son  :  No no, that is not correct.  Your question was “Did I scratch the car ?”  From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car … the mailbox did … I was merely present when the scratching occurred.  So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad  :  Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot ?

Son  :  From the President of the United States.

 

Harry was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates, asking “Are you hungry ?”  “I could eat.” Harry replied.  So the Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.  While eating this humble meal, Harry looked down into Hell and noticed inhabitants there devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.  The next day, the Lord again asked Harry if he were hungry, and Harry again said, “I could eat.”  Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Harry noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.  The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.  Meekly, Harry noted, “Lord, I am very happy to be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived.  But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna.  But in the Other Place, they eat like kings.  I just don’t understand.” 

“To be honest, Harry” the Lord said, “for just two people, it doesn’t pay to cook.”

 

In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.  He ignored it and threw it away.  In April he received another and threw that one away too.  The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card If he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post.  He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.  The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.  However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.  He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.  The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.  Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.  The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.  A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a cheque for $0.00.  After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail.  The bank could not now process ANY cheques from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.  The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he send a cheque by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.  The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

 

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, “Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them.”  She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers.  Little Suzie raised her hand.  Susiz: “I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched.”  Teacher: “That’s a good story, now what is the moral ?”

Susiz: “Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched.”  Teacher: “Very good, Suzie, anyone else ?”  Ralphie: “Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke.”  Teacher: “That’s a nice story, what is the moral ?”  Ralphie: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”  Teacher: “Very good Ralphie, anyone else ?”

Little Johnny: “Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf war, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer.  On her way down, she drank the six pack.  When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife.”  Teacher: “Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your story ?”

Little Johnny: “Don’t screw with Aunt Karen when she’s drunk.”

 

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat) ?  Support your answer with a proof.”  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities.  1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.  2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.  So which is it ?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Theresa Banyan during my Freshman year ‘That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,’  and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having relations with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.”

The student got the only A.

 

Start with a cage containing five apes.  In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.  Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.  As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.  After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water.  This continues through several more attempts.  Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.  Now, turn off the cold water.  Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one.  The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.  To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.  After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.  Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.  The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.  The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.  Again, replace a third original ape with a new one.  The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.  Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.  After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced.  Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs.  Why not ?  Because that’s the way they’ve always done it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.  And that’s how company policy begins….

 

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?" Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb" 

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry
about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

Who's Boss? 

When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be the Boss.

The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss.

The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.

The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be the boss.

The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss.

Then the Asshole applied for the Job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed up.

After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see.

They all finally conceded and made the Asshole Boss.

This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...Just an Asshole.

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

 

Management Assessment
When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

 

 

 

 

to:         all employees

from:   management

subject:       RESTROOM POLICY

date:    8/11/00

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a Restroom Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. 

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit (RTC) of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month. 

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) management by Feb. 10, 1995. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should aquint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting March 1, 1995. 

If an empoyee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that empoyee's voice print until the first of the month. 

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on. 

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you supervisor. 

Thank You! 

Management

 

 

A Day Off from Work

So you want to take the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 48 days leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!

 

 

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and dozens of other maladies. But now I have found out the real reason I'm tired because I'm overworked!

The population of this country is 237 million:

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employeed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.  4 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.  Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the city and state government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 people in hospitals so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now there are 11,998 people in prison.

That leaves 2 people to do the work.  You and Me.

 

AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE SCREWING AROUND ON MY JOKE PAGE!

 

 

 

 

            (> ”” <) 

            ( * o * )

            (,,) . (,,)

 

 

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