just brian

 

April 26th, 2005

I am graduating in August. I can't believe I'll be done and finished with school! It's surreal in a way, I can't believe a chapter of my life is closing. For Spring, I am retaking General Chemistry and I'm also going to take a course on Immunology. In summer term, I plan to take the one last required English course and maybe a course on Astronomy? Or maybe Philosophy? So what am I doing afterwards? In September I'll be at Wayne State University for graduate school in Biology.

In the mean time, I am taking it upon myself to start writing at least once a day. I say this all of the time but it never falls though. Recently, I got the codebase for a MUD (Multi-User Dugeon) which is sort of like a text-based game. Unfortunately, while I understand how to compile a program and run it on my machine, I don't know shit about C++ to do anything cool with the MUD. Ahh well.

Well that was short.

Peace,

Brian

 

March 21, 2005

"Too much love is the opposite of despair, an overpowering love may consume you in the end. - Vincent Valentine, Final Fantasy VII"

When I first came to the University of Michigan, I came with the most purest of intentions. My only desire was to acquire friendships that would be long-lasting, to be kind as possible to everyone I met, and to get more involved in the gay community. As I enter my last year at this school, I realized that I've failed utterly at all of these goals. My disposition for the last year and a half has been a simmering mixture of sadness and indifference interspersed with bouts of quiet rage.When I think of the individual situations that changed me from that naive guy walking on campus to what I am now, each one (each and every one!) had to do with my interactions with gay people on campus.

While I am not a Christian fundamentalist, I do agree with them on one point: male homosexuality, at least for me, is a destructive lifestyle. I have encountered more in-your-face racism, more hatred, and certainly more malice from white gay people on campus than from any particular group. What's sad about this fact is that I've only been on this campus for three years. Heck, I remember going to a popular gay club in Ann Arbor and worked up the nerve to approach a guy, only for him to tell me in the most sympathetic voice possible, "I don't do black, sorry." In my dorm, there was this one gay guy who I saw struggling to carry some boxes, I opened the door for him and he didn't even acknowkledge my help. As he walked up the stairs, the boxes fell spilling books, papers, and a humidifier onto the ground. I picked up two of the books that fell near my foot and he just exploded. He told me that he didn't need my help, didn't ask for my help, and snatched the books from my outstretched hands. A year ago I asked the same guy (with the boxes) why he treated me so badly the previous three months, he replied, "I thought you were too nice and that you were flirting with me. Being a bitch to you was the only way to get the point across that I wasn't interested." I was floored by his response. Surprisingly, my ego wasn't crushed at the fact that this individual wasn't attracted to me (after all, I recogize that we can't control who we are attracted to) but I was absolutely stunned that he wouldn't even consider being cordial to me because I didn't meet his definition of beauty.

This guy's reply coaxed into full clarity my entire interaction with gay people (white mostly, but this is a universal rule I think) at this University. And, quite frankly, it was (and still is!) very consistent with the results I had been seeing. These arent isolated incidents, I could could go on and on listing them and I'm half-way tempted to do so but I won't. The main point is that these instances have shaped a person that doesn't take shit from anyone.

Since my talk with this guy, it is very difficult for me to talk with gay people on campus. There is a whisper in the back of my mind that tells me that they are just as bigoted and ethnocentric as the people who work to take rights away from them. Interestingly, the people of color that they do interact with could be characterized as "white-acting" to the point of absurdity. It has gotten to the point that I don't even find men sexually attractive anymore. When I told my psychiatrist this, she told me that I was depressed, I gently corrected her and explained that I was being smart.

On the facebook, I once wrote a sincere letter to the community asking for advice:

Message to SuperQueers (and SuperAllies)

From: Brian Stephens To: SuperQueers (and SuperAllies) Subject: Gay people. Message: Well, since we're spamming the group, I have a question that's been eating at me: what is your opinion of gay people on this campus? Frankly, I never cease to be astounded. Never have I met a group of people who are consistently arrogant and self-righteous - almost to the point of vindictiveness. At first, I thought that many suffered from explosive psychological disorders, thus making interactions with other homo sapiens impossible. However, on closer inspection, it seems improbable that such an overwhelming amount of people need Zoloft biscuits to function. On my three years on this campus, I've found an undercurrent of discrimination that prevades the gay community at this campus. I don't entirely speak of discrimination in regards to race or gender; rather, I'm pointing toward the militant, cult-like cliques that consist of the affluent Abercrombies and the insufferable "pretty boys." With all of that said, I pose the question again in a slightly different light. Those who have been successful in forging meaningful friendships with other gays, what tips would give someone like me who found the task to be extraordinarily difficult? - Brian

This was one of the bashing replies I received:

Message from Bryan Barcena

From: Bryan Barcena To: Brian Stephens Subject: re: Gay people. Message: Who the hell are you to judge? Do you consider yourself do be above that which you describe because just as your telling the world that gay people are falling into a category, you fall in the same kind of category for generalizing and judging everyone around you. You need to take a look in the mirror because you are one of these arrogant bitches that think they are above it. Try to not generalize when your making comments from now on. And lower your voice I don't want to have to hear your ass laughing from the other side of the caf.Thanks ;)

I was intrigued. I certainly agree that my initial email was scathing but at the same time it was genuine. My intention was not to insult. This individual, I thought, spat back at me undeserving venom. So I looked on the campus directory and paid him a visit to his dorm room. I figured he had no right to write an email filled with vulgarities and personal attacks toward me. We argued back and forth and I hoped - no I prayed - that he would hit me or do something to provoke me. There was a half-chained animal inside of me that wanted to hear him squeal as I pounded his face in. He's a smart kid: I (and the half-chained animal) left his dormroom rather disappointed.

My hatred toward this group is paradoxical. After all, I'm gay, so it often seems counterinuitive that I should hate them. However, one must realize that if the gay community in Ann Arbor were to form an autonomous country, it would consist of the whites and pretty people dressed in muslin tunics and pleated wool pants sipping lemonade. All the while, the minorities and the "uglies" would hoeing a row of greenbeans, picking cotton, and sitting at the back of the bus. Laws would be enacted to celebrate Matthew Shepard's martyrdom by fire-hosing dissenters down State Street. I pay no attention to the lip-service by the Ann Arbor gay community about rainbows and diversity, their actions are just as morally corrupt as their supposed oppressors.

/rant off

Peace,

Brian

March 17, 2005

Innocence Abused guards her purity jealously and cannot countanence crude language or frank references to normal physiological responses. Innocence Abused often dismisses herself from such conversations under the guise of etiquette, but in reality, she does so because she does not want to tarnish her pure and sacred soul.

Undercover Pork is deeply ashamed of his affluence and can be found in the dorms dressed in clothes from the Salvation Army. When asked about his parent's occupations, he'll swear to you that they are UPS drivers.

Marbled Pooch is actually a white dog but he adds black spots on to make himself more like a black dog. He listens to black dog's music, wears black dog's collars, and incredibly, he barks and talks just like a black dog. Though, oddly, he doesn't have (nor does he seem to want) many friends that are black dogs.

The Grammarian doesn't possess anything useful to add to campus discussions. He compensates by pointing out minor mistakes in pronunciation, verbage, and word usage.

The Flaming Gay is kind and benevolent at first, but watch out! At the stroke of midnight, he'll rise from a river of flame and destruction to hurt everyone in sight. In his non-demon form, he can be seen roaming through dorm halls forming platyrrhine coalitions with other Flaming Gays.

Jekyll and Hyde is peaceful and kind individual till one day, he just explodes in a violent whirlwind of hatred. He lashes out at everyone, screaming, shouting, cursing. Then, like the last strike of thunder, the storm calms and Jekyll returns to his normal self.

 

Well, that was fun.

Peace,

Brian

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March 5, 2005

" E. pluribus unum" - U.S National Motto.

Never have I felt such intensity for a woman! She uplifts me to the highest point and I think about her constantly. When she smiles, that unearthly, angelic smile, I am in awe. My black queen: exceptionally beautiful and smart.  It seems weird talking about a woman like this but I cannot stop thinking of her. She supercedes ridiculous classifications like "male" or "female" - she is simply beauty incarnate.

Surely, while men possess the physical, none showcase an ability to express their feelings accurately.  Is this why I like her? Are all women like this? Or just her? Why is she so different than anyone else? Whatever the case may be, I've certainly not seen a man - straight or gay- in which I could engage in a lively conversation for hours on end; nor has there been a man that has transcended the primal nature of the "male ego" to land in the peaceful world of benevolence.

My god.  I wish, heck, I pray, I could be with this woman but she'd  probably think of me as a joker if I were to reveal my feelings to her. How could I possibly reconcile my terrible past to her? She is simply so kind and beautiful that I am in heaven every time I am with her.  On the other hand, I am terrified.  Is my attraction to this woman a knee-jerk response to my ostracization from the gay community?  In other words, sort of likened to a woman, who has suffered years of physical and emotional abuse, falls in love with another woman not because of true or genuine physical attraction but because that woman gives her what she could never get out of a man: comfort, support, and love.  I struggle with this question.

Peace,

Brian

February 14, 2005

"firedeathragehate" - Lavan Firestorm, Brightly Burning

For Spring Break, I'll be taking the time to go visit my grandparents in Pennsylvania. I'm very excited. In addition, my mother is in the midst of trying to plan a trip to Disney World to celebrate my upcoming graduation! I'm absolutely ecstatic about it. I went to Disney World when I was around 12 and remember having the time of my life. Hopefully, it'll have the same magic for me now as it did then.

I am in the planning phases in writing an editorial piece on Affirmative Action for the school newspaper. The difficult part of writing it is trying to make it applicable to the target audience. Recently, I wrote another editorial piece on homosexuality in the black community and I realized, to my horror, that I should have attempted to get it published in one of the black newspapers. I think all of the white people who read it were probably like "Huh? What in the world is he talking about?" Ahh well.

This entry feels dumb. Then again, so is Valentine's Day so I guess we're even.

Peace,

Brian

 

January 24, 2004

 

"All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors*."- President George W. Bush, Inaugaral Address

*Except if you live in an African country like Sudan, Liberia, or the Congo.

I submitted an application a editorial column at the Michigan Daily. Unfortunately, I didn't get one last time, so I am not holding my breath that I'll get one this time around. Who knows? Maybe I'll have my own column and ascend to stardom! Yeah, right.

For the first time, in a very long time, I actually met another gay guy from the Internet . . . ok, maybe that was a bit vague, it was actually the facebook! I was a bit apprehensive due to the fact that many gay people on this campus transform themselves into snarling, spittle-dripping demons whenever one asks, "Hi, what's your name?" The metamorphisis from an a person bedecked in the latest fashions from Abercrombie to a hulking, sixteen-foot tall image of Mephistopheles is simply awe-inspiring. At any rate, this young man that I met exceeded all of my expectations, I actually enjoyed talking with him.

I've shaken off the pall of loneliness but it hasn't soothed away the rage that I feel. I often feel embarrassed talking about it. Somehow I think I am just perpetuating the old "angry black man" stereotype, but god, its true, at least for me. I am as angry as they come - I just hide it well! Though, some of my friends swear that I have an "aggressive" personality but that's just a bold-faced lie! Is being angry OK long as you don't act on it? Ok, maybe not, I think I need some anger management classes.

Peace,

Brian

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January 9, 2005

"What the hell good is Brown v. Board of Education if nobody wants it?" - Bill Cosby

This week hallmarks the ending of the Michigan Civil Rights Initiative's drive for petitions; these petitions, are in fact, a way to get rid of Affirmative Action programs in Michigan by proxy. For some time, I've always been a staunch supporter of Affirmative Action, yet, deep down, I felt that my support for it was a knee-jerk reaction to tackle societal injustice with very little rational basis. The biggest problem I have is figuring why blacks consistently score low on standardized exams: ACT, MCAT, LSAT, SAT, GRE, you name it, blacks are on the bottom. It is a question that haunts me and is always on the back of my mind.

I agree with Bill Cosby's speech during the Brown v. Board commencement; something is incredibly wrong, possibly destructive, with black culture itself. Here are a few examples. I used to go to a gay chatroom called "detroitblkm4m" which, of course, was an area on AOL that specifically catered to gay black men meeting other gay black men. I would say that 85% of the men that I talked to in this chatroom assumed I was white; in fact, when we had a "chatroom picnic" an older gentleman approached me, still in shock that I was indeed black. This is telling. First, why should writing "sup? whats ur nummer man?" be indicative of being "authentically" black? Secondly, why is following conventional grammar a sign of being "less" than black or, in many cases, white. There were people who refused to believe that I was black, it got so bad that I had to make a new screen name and purposely write in ebonics to these gay black men to respond to me.

During my high school years, I used to be, without being modest here, a pretty gifted speaker. I was teased so viciously about the way I articulated my words that I remember quitting altogether. There was a time that I didn't raise my hand in the class in fear that my classmates would laugh at me (Even now, I think that my bouts with stuttering and my inability to express myself well in spoken language without falling over words is a direct result of my high school years). Despite the myth, I was not called "white" for the way that I spoke; rather, I was constantly asked "Are you really from Detroit?" My peers could not wrap their head around the concept that someone from Detroit chose to speak proper English.

In the beginning of my second year at Michigan, a black woman actually told me, quite plainly, that I will never be welcomed in the black community at the school because she always saw me sitting by myself or with white students in the Cafeteria. She recommended to me that, in order to be fully accepted, I should make an effort to sit and talk with "my own people." Before this point, I had been treated, in my opinion, pretty poorly by many of the blacks on this campus regardless of my intentions. I joined a black social group and was somewhat disappointed. Each person would get up and regurgitate stories of racism ad nauseum and how Affirmative Action programs are necessary. It quickly became apparent that a being "true" black person on campus hinged on essentially playing the victim as a type of pseudo-culture.

This isn't to say that racism doesn't exist on campus, I've felt my share of it too. During my first year at the University, I wrote on my whiteboard "Math sucks" and when I woke up in the morning, there was an arrow pointing to my message with the words "only a black person would say that" scrawled under it.

Last year, a "friend" of mine who happened to be drunk threw a package of socks at me and said "Here, pick this." The "joke" of course was that this particular package of these socks had the words "100% Cotton" prominently written on it. He, in essence, was telling me to go and pick cotton as if I were a slave below the Mason-Dixon Line.

Earlier this year, I used the word "Negro" in context to something on TV. This was done in a very jokingly manner. A young man replied in a sarcastic voice, "What about the nigger?" The room suddenly became uncomfortably quiet and a white woman corrected him and said "I think he said 'negro.'" I concurred, explaining the term was used as a "racial"classification by Carl Linnaeus. He seemed unapologetic.

There are several more, but I'll stop there. The point is that while racism undoubtedly exist on this campus and America, it still does not justify consistent low test scores by blacks. In other words, if a Jewish family came to America in the 1930's and endured racism, should we then assume that their children will perform poorly on standardized exams because of racism? Similarly, if a black family moved to the roughest area in Detroit, should we then assume that poor exam scores are somehow OK? Of course not. Racism, in itself, does not make a group of individuals perform consistently worse than another group. You cannot blame racism on not going to college or learning how to read or write.

I wholeheartedly support Bill Cosby when he says that Brown v Board of Education is no longer a white problem. It's a black problem. I'll certainly grant that hundreds of years of black disenfranchisement has sort of sent down a ripple of memes that look down disfavorably (or in unattainable awe) of education. Yet, in my mind, we need to stop depending on Jesus thinking he'll be the panecea to make everything better and start taking some responsibility in changing these iron-clad folkways.

While I still believe that Affirmative Action programs are necessary to essentially "save" minorities from this culture, I fear that that a 250 years from now, we'll have blacks still demanding 40 acres and a mule. This has to stop somewhere and given the dissension to Bill Cosby's metaphorical call to arms, it doesn't look like any change will be happening anytime soon.

Being "true" to one's "blackness" shouldn't hinge on whether you've heard of Medea's Family Reunion or seen an episode of 227; nor should it be about lamenting about societal ills and playing the victim. A "true" black (if there ever is such a thing) should be just like a "true" German or "true" Korean. I think McWhorter said it best when he writes that "the black person who chooses to truly embrace school has indeed had to all but leave the culture." I'm hoping that the next generation of Detroit kids who choose to speak proper English won't be teased like I did. Though, to be be honest, I'm not holding my breath.

This feels like random rambling but whatever.

Peace,

Brian

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December 7, 2004

 

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?" - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

You throw in a tambourine, an organ, a few brass cymbals, and a visit from President Clinton and you've completed the stereotypical image of the religious practices of the black community. A group of people, who by all accounts, are seemingly devout followers of Christ.

Here's an admission of sorts: I'm black and I'm atheist.

When I tell other blacks this, some insist on inviting me to a Bible study group while others say "I'll pray for you." My disbelief in a divine creator has nothing to do with me attempting to reject the existence of God; rather, it is my inability to internally validate something in which no empirical evidence supports.

Here's an objective analysis between God and the Invisible Pink Unicorn.

vs

" I was driving from Sacramento to home with just a half tank of gas in my car. That is not nearly enough and since I didn't have any money or credit to buy gas, I decided to pray to the IPU for help. The IPU answered my prayers and I made it home with just enough gas to reach my driveway. The IPU worked in a mysterious way by allowing a big storm to blow a strong southerly wind up the central valley and bring large amounts of rain. This gave me a tail wind which improved my gas mileage enough to reach home. It appears that the storm that gave me such good gas mileage is going to cause wide spread flooding up and down the valley but I suspect that the people who will get flooded out are unbelievers living contrary to the laws of the IPU."

The IPU is just a satire but it illustrates the point with biting wit. The Invisible Pink Unicorn cannot be proven or disproven; similarly, God can neither validated or rejected. I want to believe in a God, for all that is holy, I do, but I need empirical evidence. Someone once told me that God reveals himself to everyone in due time, perhaps I'm just in line.

Peace,

Brian

November 20, 2004

"To transform the emptiness of loneliness, to the fullness of aloneness. Ah, that is the secret of life." - Sunita Khosla

As I stumble from class to class, never have I been so aware of my own loneliness. I feel like a broken record that repeats these emotions ad nauseum; nevertheless, it is a feeling that has simply consumed me. I've beaten this reality to death so I won't harp on it here, I'd just felt like I should mention it - for my sake at least.

I've told my mother some of my feelings and she was very sympathetic toward my plight. She came on Friday evening to visit me and take me to Red Lobster. We talked mostly about life, politics and how terrible the Detroit Public School system is. It was a good day.

Ok, let me turn to something a bit more interesting:

One of things I'm studying in my Molecular Anthropology why the HIV-resistance gene, or CCR5 polymorphism, is not found in non-European populations.While I've came up with my own hypothesis from the readings, I'm curious as to why this gene has never gotten any press. Probably the same reason why no one knows that there are drugs that will help blacks but won't help other "races."

In other words, the slight, nearly imperceptible physiological differences between "races" shatters delicate sensibilities that we're all the same. Even more chilling, I found out that there are actual skeletal differences between races. Can you imagine my shock? I've always been taught that "race" was skin-deep. Not so. Frequently, I found myself uncomfortable during lecture. Why though? I suppose in a way, I don't want to hear that blacks are more adept in sports than whites are inherently more intelligent.

This feels like half-rambling, but whatever.

Peace,

Brian

P.S. Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines is a good game. ;)

 

October 15, 2004

"I'm the darkness, you're the stars

Our love is brighter than the sun.

For eternity, there can only be me,

Only you, my chosen one."

- Nobuo Uematsu, Aria di Mezzo Caraterre

There is something seductive about spilling the contents of one's creativity onto paper. When I look on my desktop, I have dozens upon dozens of half-finished stories that I'll never complete. There is a story that I've conjured that is beyond my grasp: a fantastic story filled with magic and bravery.

My ideas flow and simmer in my mind like a movie yet stubbornly refuse to melt themselves onto a manuscript. I find myself envying those who write fiction! How lucky they are! With all of the words of the English language, the core of me is engulfed in a story that I cannot begin to express

Oftentimes, like tonight, I'd sit outside in the courtyard and gaze upward. The cloudless sky mocks me. Oh, how simple it is to describe the stars as chips of silver strewn against a tapestry of the darkest cerulean! Yet, when it comes to my story, the rivulet of my mind reduces itself to an imperceptible trickle.

Peace,

Brian

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October 14, 2004

"Beauty is that which attracts your soul, and that which loves to give and not to receive. When you meet Beauty, you feel that the hands deep within your inner self are stretched forth to bring her into the domain of your heart. It is the magnificence combined of sorrow and joy; it is the Unseen which you see, and the Vague which you understand, and the Mute which you hear - it is the Holy of Holies that begins in yourself and ends vastly beyond your earthly imagination" - Khalil Gibran, A Tear and a Smile (1914)

Quick Rant: When Rome was alight in roaring flames to in 64 A.D, it is said that Nero pulled out a fiddle and played. He played as everything around him was being consumed in fire. He played admist the backdrop of wails and screams. There is something to be said about this legend, but I'll get back to this in a second.

After coming to this school, I am more than convinced - no, I'm certain - that most gay people are simply evil. These people, these representatives, parade around demanding equality, all the while, they assiduously grind other LGBT's into dust with their boot-heel.

In my experience, expressing genuine kindness to gays rapidly transforms into some kind of tacit "I want you," or worse, "I love you." This assumed flirtation isn't just inappropriate but it is arrogant and presumptuous.

There is an unsaid, but certainly not unfelt sexual tension between between myself and other gay men. The nail-wires of friendship are consistently snipped and scorched to prevent even the possibility of reconciliation. Most of the gay men that I know, won't even talk to me and continue to behave as if my presence is that of an incorporeal revenant.

Well anyway, I often feel like Nero: using my fiddle to feign a sick joyfulness while my entire world burns to ash.

/rant off

Peace,

Brian

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October 7, 2004

"Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated" - George B. Shaw (1856-1950)

There is a running joke in which I claim that "there are I-hate-Brian clubs all around campus." While this is an exaggeration, it doesn't diminish the fact that I find a disproportionate of people do indeed hate me. How do I define hate? I like to use the dictionary's definition which states it as a "intense animosity or hostility." I won't go into specific details; instead, I'd rather tackle the problem in a more broad, general sense.

In the beginning, I felt that the hatred I've endured on this campus was a consequence of me being black. Then, I thought, maybe because I was gay. Fortunately, when I looked deeper, I found this to be false: In my days of playing DragonRealms, I developed a virtual (I use the word "virtual" as a synonym for the Internet) hate group who found my sense of humor and writing style to be offensive and rude. It got to the point where the company that runs DragonRealms took steps to gag me. This proves, I think, that people's dislike of me isn't discriminatory in nature. I'm glad. On the other hand, it forces me to analyze my own behavior to see why people react so harshly toward me. It would be silly for me to blame people directly. So, instead, I'll work from the inside-out:

I grew up in an environment in which the adage, "Honesty is the best policy" wasn't just respected, it was the law that governed the household. If I interrupted a conversation of a neighbor, there were no hints or cues guided by subtle folkways that I should leave, I was told quite bluntly to come back another time. When I was told this, there were no hard-feelings and certainly no bitterness felt.

When I first came to this school, I felt like my mother did a disservice to my character in her parenting. Everyone else seemed to be bedecked in social graces that were beyond my grasp. "You should look at body language more!" one would say in response to my complaining. The whole thing sounded silly to me. I write the following in italics as if they were in flashing, neon lights: People should have honesty and confidence in their own views to say how they feel. If one lacks the minimal amount of courage to stand up for one's beliefs (or, in this case, uncomfortability), then that person will never stand for anything.

Oftentimes, when I meet a person, one my first questions is simply, "How tall are you?" This question invokes a lot of emotion, much of it unnecessary. Sometimes it is disgust. Other times it is curiousity. Most of the time it is laughter. There have been a few brave souls who have said, "That is too private! I will not answer." I look them oddly and usually ask in response, "What is so private about it?" Of course, they can't answer. The inherent problem is that there is nothing private about asking someone how tall one are; in reality, these people simply don't feel obliged to answer. I respect this stance wholeheartedly and do not berate them. My only issue is their intent on using social mores as a scapegoat, or backbone, to legitimize their refusal. Why legitimize?

Well, anyway.

This one, insignificant question dramatically changes their dispositon. When questioned later about their behavior towards me, they will often claim that I was rude and insensitive. My response is usually on the lines of, "I deeply apologize if I have upset you." This only exacerbates the situation. More often than not, these people take my apology as me being even more insensitive. I am accused of being sarcastic and not genuine in my "sorryness." The conflict then hurdles itself to an impasse as any attempts at reconciliation are dampened by cries of "insensitivity."

I'm certainly not claiming the moral high ground here. I freely admit that I care very little of the opinions of my peers. Why should I respect them or their views? Just because they exist? Naa. Where I come from, respect is earned, not given away on a silver platter.As I reread this paragraph, I am somehow convinced that I am indeed the antithesis of bourgeoisie social graces.

I only write this because I'm exhausted. I tire of the dirty looks, the snide remarks, and the questionable infamy that comes from it. This whole discussion has painted a lousy picture. I've not captured how severe the problem is; more importantly, I've yet to mention the honor it is to have had the chance to meet hundreds (literally!) of truly wonderful people on this campus. For every one that shows his/her hatred toward me, there are fifteen others whom I'm on friendly terms with.

It seems petty, almost criminal that I've taken so much time writing about this. I think I'm going to make it up by visiting an old friend.

Peace,

Brian

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October 1, 2004

"It's not the net result that matters, it's the day to day struggles people go through that makes one's life important." -Terra, Final Fantasy III

In Michigan, there is a drive (the second attempt, mind you) to put the Michigan Civil Rights Initiative on the ballot in 2006. Basically, it seeks to amend the state constitution from:

• The state shall not discriminate against any individual or group on the basis of race, sex, color, ethnicity, or national origin in the operation of public employment, public education, or public contracting.

TO:

• The state shall not discriminate against, or grant preferential treatment to, any individual or group on the basis of race, sex, color, ethnicity, or national origin in the operation of public employment, public education, or public contracting.

This initiative works its magic by circumventing the Grutter v. Bollinger decision which states that ". . . school's narrowly tailored use of race in admissions decisions . . . [is a] compelling interest . . . [and] is not prohibited by the Equal Protection Clause. "

Earlier this year, Judge Paula Manderfield in the BAMN v State Board of Canvassers decision, threw out the petitions because MCRI's wording was ambiguous. She claimed that Michigan Civil Rights Initiative, "has made no secret [that] the ultimate goal is . . . to "undo" what the U.S. Supreme Court did in upholding certain protections guaranteed by the Equal Protection Clause." A month or so later, Michigan Court of Appeals landed this ruling which overturned Manderfield's decision. These legal hurdles caused the MCRI to be delayed until 2006.

With me so far?

There is, however, a hidden nuance, a kind of je ne sais quoi that automatically makes the discussion of Affirmative Action "polarizing" or "emotionally charged." Its true! When I read this article in the Michigan Daily in regards to the Michigan Civil Right's Initiative. I sputtered. I hissed. I got angry.

It wasn't the discussion of MCRI that got me angry, it was the fact that author, Carl Cohen, wrote that, "in [his] view, race preference is deeply damaging to the minorities that are preferred." After all, it's his view, so why should I get angry? I guess because I agree with him on a very basic, fundamental level. I'm just too stubborn to admit it.

You, or anyone else for that matter, would be hard-pressed to find any time in history in which minorities, especially blacks, have been looked upon as equals in higher education. If Affirmative Action were to vanish, the unsaid, but certainly not unfelt impression, "You're only here because you're black," would rapidly regress to "You're only here because you're black." (No, I didn't write it twice on accident)

Race-neutral alternatives are interesting. The very definition of race-neutral admissions hinge themselves upon the goal of recruiting minorities without looking at race process (i.e.socioeconomic background, high school, et al.). But here's the paradox: if race-driven admissions is wrong, isn't the race-neutral paradigm just as bad? Stop. Reread that sentence. How is using a proxy for race better, or more moral, than actually looking at race directly? What? What's that? Silence. Yeah, I know, it's a frustrating question.

Peace,

Brian

 

September 25, 2004

"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

I'm excited to report that I got a research position under this guy. I'll be researching the inflammatory responses in asthma sufferers (it's a lot more involved than that, but I think that's an accurate description). This was a good change of pace since I was denied (and unfairly so) an editorial column at the Michigan Daily.

I had a heated debate with a friend over the entire concept of tipping at restauants. He viewpoint was that it was immoral to tip a fixed rate; instead, he asserted, one should always give a percentage which is around 15-20%. I find several problems with this logic.

First, I think, I should preface any arguments by saying that I think tips in themselves are ridiculous. Waiters and waitresses should be paid a salary consummerate to their performance and experience. Tips should be an implied "thank you" or "good job" for exemplary service; they should not be a waiter's bread and butter when it comes to generating income.

The case of the horn:

The dirge-striking argument that a waiter's salary is hinged upon my tipping them doesn't fly nor is it productive. Take, for example, the Ram's Horn in Southfield I would frequent with a friend after going to a movie. In the beginning of the summer, there was a sign at the entrance that said that a 15% gratuity would be added to all bills. I complained bitterly. I ordered a salad and had water. The waitress' gratuity was literally a quarter, a dime, and a few pennies.

A few weeks later, the sign in the Ram's Horn said the automatically added gratuity was 20% (a five percent increase than before). This time I didn't bother complaining. I ordered a hamburger and fries which came up to around 5 bucks. The added gratuity was a smidgeon over a dollar.

Interestingly, the following week, there was no sign anywhere to be found Ram's Horn. Why? I suppose they finally realized that 15-20% of a 5.99 dinner isn't a whole lot. A pity.

The fact that these employers do not pay their employees good wages isn't my fault. Nor should I be expected to make up for their poor salary. It's unfair to both sides. On one hand, you have a waiter who is paid a literal pittance and hopes to be given the rest of her salary based on customer's mood and disposition. Then you have the customer, who is pressured by social folkways and half-baked sob stories to give more than he or she should. Ridiculous.

I will tip if the service is adequate. I'll even tip generously if the service is exemplary. I do feel if the service is horrible, I'm in my right not to tip at all. You can't, however, condition me like a circus monkey to give a tip based upon a fixed percentage regardless of the service quality. I'm either a maverick or an asshole, but damnit, that's how I feel.

Peace,

Brian.

 

 

September 4, 2004

"What argument against social change could be more chillingly effective than the claim that established orders, with some groups on top and others on the bottom, exist as an accurate reflection of the innate and unchangable intellectual capacities of people so ranked?" -Dr. Stephen J. Gould, Mismeasure of Man

I'm back at school and wasted no time in picking up a copy of Herrnstein's The Bell Curve at the library. Admittedly, I am completely fascinated with the concept of race and intelligence. I pored over this book for hours at a time.

As I read this book, I found myself lulled by the almost perfect logic presented by the author. Herrnstein makes an interesting analogy in the text. He suggest that if you have two people, Bob and Bill, one has 90 IQ, and the other has 120 IQ, there isn't much you can infer. On the other hand, if Miss Stanton's classroom has a mean IQ of 90 and Miss Colgate's classroom has a mean IQ of 120 - you can infer something. His argument is set upon the foundation that when a group (rather than the individual) have statistically lower scores, then there is something "wrong" with the group itself.

After reading a sizable portion of the book (this behemoth is over 800 pages!) I can say that it has one big flaw. The Bell Curve assumes that I.Q, or intelligence, is a calcuable, testable, and immutable thing that can be measured with precision. I argue that intelligence is an inherent construct like love or creativity. How can you measure something that is so abstract? So personable?

Yet, despite that one (albeit a big one) flaw, Herrnstein makes a point that I cannot answer. Why do blacks score lower on standardized tests? Quite frankly, perhaps to the chagrin of my mother and others, I'm partial to Herrstein's argument of biological determinism. Biological determinism, in the most basic definition, refers to the argument that "races" have different affinities for intelligence (usually with blacks precipitating toward the bottom). For me, this is convenient. Why bother trying? It is far easier to simply blame your failures on biological determinism. When I do perform well, I can expect the highest accolades since any success on my part is due to a triumphant resolve to overcome a stunted I.Q. (almost like giving a medal to a retarded kid who managed to brush his teeth).

Perhaps if I were to go back in time, I wouldn't have read this book. I regret it. I'm even more cynical of my peers than ever before. I wonder, - seriously wonder -, how many of them think of me stupid or incapable. Though, in all honesty, if I were to know, I'd probably regret that too.

Peace,

Brian

August 31, 2004

 

"When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target."  - George Fisher

Here's an admission of sorts: I've purposely lost over 20 lbs since spring semester. There was a dim thought in the back of my mind that whispered, "If you were just a little skinner, a little leaner, you'll find the person of your dreams." It an alluring fantasy to say the least.

In the seventies, people like Sean Connery and Robert Redford were considered to have healthy, attractive bodies. If these then-youthful actors were to be transported to this age, they'd look like fat slobs compared to the perfectly sculpted bodies presented by the media. Women have been force-fed an almost unattainable image of beauty for decades. I guess it is the men's turn.

So, how did I lose over 20 lbs in a few months? Well, truth be told, I had been working out for over a year prior with virtually no results. Negligible weight loss and muscle gain. I was indeed getting stronger. There was even a point where I simply "capped" out one of the machines (i.e., I was no longer using the machine's weighted assistance, I was lifting my own weight). I completely quit drinking regular pop and severely reduced my intake fruit juices to lower my consumption of simple sugars. Nothing helped.

During lecture in biochemistry, I was intrigued at the catabolic processes of the human body. After class, I would bombard my instructor with lots and lots of questions regarding metabolism, glucose usage, and the body's mechanisms regarding starvation. I was more than intrigued, I was fascinated, and found myself speaking with her constantly about these topics.

I realized that the body burns less calories during rest than during full-consciousness. Using this idea, I wondered: if I were to stop eating late-night snacks, would I lose weight? I hypothesized that eating carbohydrate-rich meals (which I had been doing) before bed probably contributed to my weight gain.

I was right.

During the first month, I shed 15 lbs by refusing to indulge in late-night snacking. In the beginning, it was tough, since I had accustomed myself to always eat at night. This bad habit was honed at the University. The dormitory ritual was to purchase tons of dollar-a-slice pizza at around 11:00 pm and keep pigging out till 3 am. It's no wonder they call it the "freshman 20!" People accuse the University cafeteria service for their weight gain, though in all reality, it is the late-night snacking which permeates campus culture that is to blame.

It's kind of humbling now that I look back on it. I lost all of this weight not by curling barbells, running, or even lifting a finger of exertion. I lost it all by simply changing something incredibly minor in regards to my eating habits.

I might not have attained perfection, but for the time being, its good enough.

Peace,

Brian

 

August 24, 2004

"Obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic, they should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't. Period." - George Carlin, Complaints and Grievances (2001)

These last few weeks have been a trying time for me. Not only has my grandfather passed away but my family has dissolved into chaos. Never have I felt the bitter embrace of loneliness so poignantly. These recent struggles has fueled a fiery desire for me to to do much better in school. I have four objectives: I must graduate, get into graduate school, get a job, and get the hell out of dodge. I have explained my situation to the the Housing department at my school, looks like I'll be back at school Sept. 1st.

Recently, I've been reading some math and chemistry books attempting to make sense of them. I'm having a bit of difficulty. For example, when using the FOIL method, the book explains that a problem like this:

Original Problem: (X + 9) (X + 9)

Foil Method: X2 + 9X + 9X + 81.

Combine like terms: X2 +18X +81

Here's the conundrum: how in the hell does one turn the answer back into the original problem? I mean, how does one turn X2+18X+81 back into (X+9) (X+9)? The book doesn't explain it. Hence my problem with mathematics. The information needed to understand these concepts seems difficult to comphrend and poorly documented. I am also attempting to figure out how to get the x (or the unknown) by itself in more complex algebraic expressions. I hope to actually complete General Chemistry (again) before I graduate. From my calculations (haha), if I were to retake the class and get an A in it, my GPA would rise significantly.

This feels incomplete but I don't feel like writing anymore.

Peace,

Brian

 

"Negro culture inferiority is the consequence of the physical inadequacy of the Negro brain in dealing with abstract concepts. On the other hand, the Negro shows an ability approaching that of the White at mental tasks requiring only memory. That is why the Negro can be trained relatively easily to adapt to many aspects of White culture.His verbal ability and his ability to imitate allow him, when properly motivated, to assume much of the outward appearance of "equality." In a decade of special college-admission quotas for Blacks, many thousands of Blacks have obtained college diplomas -- but only in those disciplines in which a glib tongue and a good memory suffice. There have been virtually no Black graduates in the physical sciences and very few in engineering." - Dr. William J. Pierce

As an online gaming enthusiast, it is a rare occurence that I do not read something that is demeaning toward blacks. Since most of these games that I play (i.e Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne and Savage: The Battle of Newerth) are not moderated or screened, it soon becomes intriguing to see how other people think. This is the place where the word "bitch" is replaced by "nigger" as the ultimate insult.

Over the last few weeks, I've taken it upon myself to read literature presented by White Supremacist websites. I look upon these sites and see the hateful articles and the scorched bodies of my people proudly posted therein; I am left completely speechless by such a display of distilled hatred. For the first time - in a long time - I found myself crying at some of the things that I saw. Not entirely because of their message, but at the inherent wickedness of their intent.

Then, the question comes to me: how many people have I met at my school think this way? The paranoia rapidly sets in: why did he move when I sat down? Why does she seem so nervous around me? Why didn't he apologize when he bumped into me? I try to quiet some of these thoughts, insisting that these are just innocent occurences, but such reasoning does nothing to dissuade what my heart tells me.

The quote at the beginning of this entry invoked such somber feelings within me. I soon began to wonder whether my difficulty with abstract concepts like math is a product of an incomplete schooling, my "inferior" genetic make-up, or a mixture of both. How can I possibly convey the shame that I felt after reading the above quote!

In regards to Affirmative Action, I expect that people will assume that I am a beneficiary and that I do not belong there. To be honest, given how I was brought up, the thoughts of strangers do not weigh heavily in my mind. However, the assertion that blacks receive less diplomas in abstract areas is a bit of a misnomer. First, most graduates receive their diplomas in liberal arts programs like English and Psychology not in Chemistry or Astronomy. Secondly, since blacks comprise a very small population in non-HBC's, it seems that it is statistically favorable that there would be more graduates in liberal arts programs. A genetic link of the aforementioned seems improbable.

Hatred is such an odd thing. We as a society seem to thrive to on demonizing anyone that is different from us. Whether it be Jews, Blacks or even Arabs, it seems that society insists that we label some group as the metaphorical boogeyman to channel our hatred upon. Where does racial hatred begin and will it ever end? Society has shunned the people who dissent to racial harmony; leading to millions of people who smile and nod, yet secretly hate other races with a kind of insidious fervor. I don't think I'll never understand this sickeningly saccharin-coated existence that we live in.

Peace,

Brian

"One good turn deserves another" - English Proverb

Over the last few weeks, I've been afraid to sit down and write. Not a journal entry. Not a story. Not even a poem. Who knows why I'm afraid to write. At any rate, I'm forcing myself to write in this journal.

What to say?

I had an excellent Spring semester getting very good grades in my Biochemistry and English classes. Biochemistry was ridiculously interesting and if it wasn't so damned math-intensive, I'd probably jump at the chance to major in it.

Shortly afterwards, my mother decided to marry a 71 year old man. When I questioned her motives, she turned to me and said, "I don't want to be alone anymore." I was sort of speechless. Loneliness is a bitch, I can surely understand how she feels. We've also moved in with the man as well. It's an odd arrangement as there is a whopping total of nine people in this house. I honestly feel like I am in Jerry Springer or something.

I used to be a big computer game guy, but I've decided to try some console games for a bit. I picked up a copy of Drakengard, Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter, and Excalibur. The last two aren't even playable as the controls are ridiculous. Drakengard, on the other hand, has promise but gameplay is just monotonous (hey, that rhymed).

I also decided I'm going to add in quotes in the beginning instead of the nonsensical headers I was using before. Does anyone know how to add polls to one's website? I'll probably write more in the future, but I'm a bit uninspired at the moment.

Peace,

Brian

June 9, 2004

Ashes: few, small, life

 

 

I've decided to go ahead and delete the most of the entries save a small few. Looking back at a lot of them, I feel a tad embarrassed but mostly humiliated. Some things aren't meant for other people's eyes. I plan to keep this in mind whenever I write future entries

Over the last few days, my aim has been to produce a page of reasonably good fiction. I sort of failed in that task. The creative spark that I used to call my own has been extinguished. Hopefully, I'll find someway to get it back. I'd really like to start writing again. I think it is the only thing I find true happiness in doing.

Currently, I am taking Biochemistry with the infamous Dr. Nolta. It is by far, the hardest class I've ever taken in my life. She throws volumes of information in the course of six days only to be tested on it that Friday. We were expected to master the names, structure, enzymes and applications of many different cycles in a short amount of time. While I put in a considerable amount of time and effort, the score that I achieved was comparatively low. My average performance (at this school) in the sciences makes me wonder if something wrong with me. Do I even belong here?

A friend yesterday, after class, remarked, "It just burns you up when someone hates you, doesn't it?" I just grinned. But you know, I think there is a grain of truth to that observation. On a purely intellectual level, I understand that people will "like" or "dislike" anyone for any reason. This is apart of choice; most importantly, it is inherent to the human condition that we all experience. However, on a deeper level, I cannot grasp how someone can express a hatred or dislike to someone who has shown nothing but kindness. I assume that all people are inherently good; therefore, I try not to assume there is a discriminatory basis for their dislike.

Peace,

Brian

 

April 4, 2004

Reflection: true, analyze, individuality

 

War: fortress, glamorous,depressing

 

I met an old friend of mine near Ulrich's Bookstore. She posed a question to me: is English what I want to do with my life. The answer is a undeniable no. It has been a depressing venture as I gave up Biology. I am not enjoying these literature classes yet I excel at them better than I have in the sciences. My first reaction is to transfer to schools like Ferris State University. or Oakland University; yet, given that I would end up losing credits in the process, the entire plan of transferring schools doesn't look as glamorous.

It's so silly for me to say this, but god, it's so true: I can't do math. It isn't about showcasing a false pessimissm; rather, I assert that it's the truth. The natural sciences, which I learn with enthusiasm, are behind an impenetrable fortress of functions, equations, that teeter off the cliff of uselessness. I can't squeeze four years of high school mathematics in a semester for me to begin to understand as something as simple pre-calculus. I feel completely and embarrassingly short-changed.

Yet I press on. Despite the people who say to me, "Wow, how long have you been here?" or "Shouldn't you be graduating?" I focus on my mother who, at the age of 40, just received her Masters after twenty years of going to school. We're all different. Unfortunately, I lose focus of that when I'm at this school when everyone has these grandiose plans of being an M.D at the age of 23.

In other news, I am so happy to report that a wonderful game I used to play is back online. It's a web-based strategy game called The Reincarnation. This game used to be called Archmage which was unfortunately cancelled. I fell in love with the game as it showcases pure medieval fantasy in a strategy setting.

This feels incomplete, but whatever.

Peace,

Brian

P.S Number 15 on the new Janet CD is just . . . . wow.

March 10, 2004