To My Darling Tracy,
It has taken me four years to be able to reply to your letter and to he honest, I still don`t know where to start!! But I feel as though I owe you an explanation, so here goes.........
Michael was soexcited when we found out you were pregnant and all he kept saying was "I hope it`s a boy" I think you would have got fed up with in in the end, cos he would have been down to you all the time, and for everytime Lisa/Mark bought him a saints shirt and Col;in the Man U shirt, he would`ve bought him the Liverpool one (haha)
As you know we were all in deep shock when he had his accident and was at the hospital day and night. I really thought he was going to pull through and never for a moment did I realise how serious it was (or didI-and was just hoping!!!) When you went into labour a week later, we all knew how serious it had become, I know this was a really hard time for you because when wew should have all been there for you, we wasn`t. We were with Michael.
It was so hard for me to come over and see you in the labour ward and to have to pretend Mike was ok!! but th?e last thing we wanted, was for you to be hysterical when you were about to give birth!! Perhaps we should`ve told you, I`m sorry for that. The day Mitchell was born we were told there was no hope for Mike, he was brain dead!! We had to wait a further three days for the tests to confirm this. I was hoping and praying you would not have Mitchell on this day, because like you, I know as one dies another is born. I did not want to have a reminder of this everytime I looked at your baby, I`m ashamed to admit I was hoping you would not have a boy, now though I realise it would not have made any difference whether he was a boy or a girl. When Nan told me you had given birth, I tried honestly to be happy for you and Colin, but I was gutted, I felt like my whole insides had been ripped out. I to had mixed emotions to deal with, everyone was comingup to the hospital to see you, buying baby clothes and toys, and all I wanted to do was scream. I felt so jealous of you and Colin, your nice little family was just begining and mine was ending!! I knew I was going to have to come and see you, but I just couldn`t, not on that day. On the Saturday our worse fears were confirmed, and we donated Michael`s organs before his life support was switched off finally.
On the Sunday I came round to see you and Mitchell, I remember taking the biggest breath of my life before we walked into your mum`s house, my heart was beating so fast, I thought I would pass out. I could see Mitchell`s carrycot out of the corner of my eye, with him in there, but my legs would not lwet me walk over to him, I wanted to see him- but I didn`t as well. I tried everything to avoid him. I remember sitting down in the dining area, my eyes darting everywhere around the room, avoiding everyone, including you and Mitchell. I felt as though all eyes were on me, waiting for my reaction. My eyes were brimming with tears, then I caught your eyes, you were crying too, you came over and hugged me, it was a very akward moment for both of us. I forced myself to get up and walked over to his carrycot, it seemed ages before I reached there, I took a quick glance, said he was lovely, then made a hasty retreat. I cried and cried when I got back to the car, I know Nan was crying too, as were all of you. I was hurt and angry at loosing Mike, why should you have a new baby, when I had just lost my baby. YOu were hurt and angry, because your happy occasion had been ruined by such awful circumstances. Janet (your mum) was hurt and angry because she was obviouslyy felt for me, but this was her first grandchild, the same for Nan- her first great grandchild, but she had just losther grandson and was also hurting for me.
Anyway, we have come through so much since then!! The proudest moment for me was being asked to be godmother to Mitchell!! Even though that was another hard day for me, again I`m sorry for crying and ruining your special day. Then your wedding- my proudest day since, to see Katie as your bridesmaid. You looked an absolute princess that day, but again I cried!! I suppose we are going to have to get use to that now, these sort of days are goping to affect me, but I also know they affect you too-I`ve told you before I think you should have been my daughter, as we are so alike in everyway. We understand each other and know exactly how the other one is feeling. Instead of Mitchell being a constant reminder of Mike`s death, he is a constant reminder of Mike`s spirit!! I`m sure that Mike is inside of him!! they are so alike!! I can`t help feeling a special bond with him, he is now four years old and what alot of pleasure he has given us. he has the same cheeky smile as Mike and has the same antics. His favourite toy is the Turtles, which is the same as what Mike`s was when he was four. He is an absolute credit to you and I am proud to be his godmother, to top it all we have a second edition to your family, Little Leah who is a little treasure too. I love you so much Trace, you know that and I`m always here for you, whatever!!
Love Auntie Jayne xxxx
Big kiss to you from Mike, where ever he is x |
