Eugene Hollister "Butch" Strope

My grandmother and my mother did everything they could to keep me and my sister from seeing him in the condition he was in. My father was admitted into the hospital sometime in October with an excruciating pain in his abdomen. I was at school when he left for the hospital still feeling a grudge for the minor argument he and I just before leaving for school. Looking back it was really stupid! Was it really worth it, I mean arguing over a silly Rolling Stone magazine? That was the one day I left for school without saying three simple words that I feel if I had said I wouldn't be in the emotional condition I am in now. By saying "I Love You" could have saved me 9 years of pain and total anguish, and allowed my father to rest in peace, but because I didn't, I am forever tormented by the idea my father died without knowing that I loved him. When finally my sister and I had talked mom and grandma to let us go to the hospital, I was going to make amends and tell him I was sorry and I loved him. Before I was allowed to enter the room, my grandmother warned me to be strong at the sight I was going to see. Whatever I was to do, I was to be strong. No problem I told her. I finally walked into my father's room and bursted into tears. My father had been so heavily sedated for the pain that he could not move or even react to his surroundings. Even as you stood there and held his hand, he could not even squeeze it back or look at you. He was so heavily sedated that he was connected to machines that kept him alive. Tubes, wires, and bandages around his eyes quickly bombarded my strong, solid image of my invincible father. It took only one wave to break the wall and there I stood next to the man who was my rock crying so much and so long that I developed a rash on my cheeks. Now I know the reason why grandma didn't want us there, she figured that my image of my father was going to shatter and he never wanted neither my sister or me to see him that way- she was right. He laid on the bed unresponsive to even my planned "I Love You's" and apologies. Somehow I knew that the dream my father and I had of one day sitting side-by-side in a college computer class was quickly deteriorating.

This initial viewing of my father in the hospital for some people might have considered the hardest thing one might actually have to do. However, sometimes I wonder if it really was the hardest thing. At that time, my father was in the hospital and he had a possibility of coming out as unlikely as it was, but at the final viewing the reality hit and hit hard- my father was never coming home with me again. As I stood over his coffin looking at the rock who had crumbled I realized that no longer would I have him at home to hug or wrestle with in the swimming pool. He had actually left me and the rest of family alone, in effect orphaned. Was it fair? My father spent 18 � years in the Air Force. He had received a number of awards and commendations to be later medically discharged from the military. We had just returned from Spain and he tried to start his life over again by finishing his education. Within 2 years, my dad was dead! The country that he so faithfully defended for just under half his life, turned around and took him again this time without his family. He returned to the dust that he initially came from, before getting anything back from the time he spent. No! Life is not fair.

December 3, 1989, my father was laid to rest at Riverside Veteran's Cemetery. Our pastor from the high desert came down and gave the most heartfelt, sincerest eulogy I have ever heard. I felt from his voice that he too was going to miss my father's eternal smiling face and cheerful personality. Friends of all walks, to include my Civil Air Patrol buddies, came to the funeral and paid their respects. I will never forget them nor will I ever be able to repay them for the compassion they showed to me and my family. Each member of my family had someone to fall to and without them, I believe, that none of us would have ever pulled through.

No matter what happened or what anyone can say to make me feel better, my father died. I am now without a father, but I believe that God wanted his smiling face with him. As a christian group was said in a song about a grandfather dying, " Heaven is going to be a happier place/my [father] is going there/everyone with smiles on their face/and folks that really care." I know that my father is in a better place and I must get on with my life, but it has been, will be, and is hard without having my best friend around.