This is a collection of some of the hard to find, funny quotes on the Net

  My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes. ---Ronald Reagan, Said during a radio microphone test, 1984

Whoever said the hand is faster than the eye never tried to roll them down an incline. ----Unknown

It's Doctor Evil. I didn't go to Evil Medical School for 6 years to be called Mister.   ---Dr. Evil from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the War Room  --- Dr. Strangelove  (if you've never seen it, rent it today)

My name is Inego Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
-The Princess Bride

We are no longer the knights who say 'Ni.' We are now the knights who say 'Ikki Ikki Ikki Ikki, P'tang Zoopdah blohlfdsjfdslkjn. (Ni!)
-Monty Python's The Quest for the Holy Grail

§ CALVIN - I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.

HOBBES - What's misunderstood about you?                             

CALVIN - Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

---from Calvin and Hobbes

Loop, Endless
see Endless Loop.

---Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

-Man shoots neighbor with machete-
The Miami Herald, July 3

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.   ---bumper sticker

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

You want Sympathy? You better look in the dictionary between  S*&^ and Syphilis.  ---Daymon Wayans from Major Payne

Black Holes are where God divided by Zero. ---unknown

 "What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to
 do the unnecessary." -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

  "With every passing hour, our solar system comes forty-three thousand
 miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still
 there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as
 progress. " -- Ransom K. Ferm

  "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and
 years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the
 worst movies in the history of the world. " -- Dave Barry

  "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
 I hate plants. " -- A. Whitney Brown

  "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
 rearranging their prejudices. " -- William James

  "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
 in it--and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
 stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but
 also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. " -- Mark Twain

  "There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the
 streets? " -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

  "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
 infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering
 if there are men on base. " -- Dave Barry

  Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: "No matter how great your triumphs or
 how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. "

  "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. "
 -- Emo Phillips

  "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
 mistake when you make it again. " -- F. P. Jones

  "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
 the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
 disinclination to do so. " -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

  "When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
 woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics
 or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?'" -- Quentin Crisp

  "I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
 tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with
 being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told
 that I am! " -- Monty Python

  "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. " --
 George Carlin

  "Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
 revolution inevitable. " -- John F. Kennedy

 "Life may have no meaning.  Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
 I disapprove. " -- Ashleigh Brilliant

  "My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. " --
  Ashleigh Brilliant

  "Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
 Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of
 the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside
 of his coffin. " -- David Letterman

  "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but
 phone calls taper off. " -- Johnny Carson

  "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
 the wrong answers. " -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

  "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
 expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
 unit. "
 -- In the August 1993 issue (page 9) of PS magazine, the Army's magazine
 of preventive maintenance

  "Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
 " -- Old Farmer's Almanac

  "The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. " --
 Plutarch

  "The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. " --
 Salvador Dali

  "Sacred cows make the best hamburger. " -- Mark Twain

  "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'
 Then a
 voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" -- Charlie
 Brown,  "Peanuts" [Charles Schulz]

  Calvin: "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
 realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. "
 Hobbes:
 "Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? "

Excuse me sir.  Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep
the PC on the QT, because if it leaks to the VC, he could end up
MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP.
 
                   -- Robin Williams in "Good Morning, Vietnam"

More funny---->

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