On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each
other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -  Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Stephen
Wright

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
everything on Me. And let there be lawyers so people don't blame everything
on Satan.'" -John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got  millions of pals out
there.  Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni

"Luge strategy?  Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane:  Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who
do." -Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's
reading." -Emo Philips

"Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is." -
Lenny Clarke

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -
the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.  I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake that,
you're in." -Rich Jeni

"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive
scrotum!'" -Jeff Green

"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I
saw my president get head." - Elon Gold

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
- Kevin James

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-Rich Jeni

    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink
    I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think
    about the workers in the brewery and all of their
    hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
    might be out of work and their dreams would be
    shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I
    drink this beer and let their dreams come true than
    be selfish and worry about my liver."
                  -- Jack Handy

    I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
    wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
    going to feel all day.
                 --Frank Sinatra

    An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to
    spend time with his fools.
                    --Ernest Hemingway

    A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the
    decency to thank her.
                    --W.C. Fields

    When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
    reading.
                    --Henny Youngman

   24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
   Coincidence?  I think not!
                    --Stephen Wright


   When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we
   fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
   When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo,
   let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
                    -- Brian O'Rourke

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
                    --Benjamin Franklin

   Without question, the greatest invention in the
   history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
   wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel
   does not go nearly as well with pizza.
                    --Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 400 B.C.!

I wouldn't mind dying - it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.                 --R. Geis

Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.     --Alfonso The Wise

I would never lie. I willingly participated in campaign of misinformation.                              --David Duchovny (Fox Mulder) The X-Files

Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly.   --Woody Allen

Today I broke my record for consecutive days I've been alive.

I'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.   ---Andrea Pusillo

Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to kill a fly with a sledge hammer.                            ---Major Holdridge

History is a set of lies agreed upon.   ---Napoleon Bonaparte

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.  --- Mark Twain

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.   ---Martin Luther King

It was involuntary. They sank my boat.  ---John F. Kennedy
when asked how he became a Navy hero

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.---Mark Twain

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.   --Robbin Williams

I do not fear an army of lions, if they are led by a lamb. I do fear an army of sheep, if they are led by a lion.   ---Alexander the Great

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my... I could be eating a slow learner

During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?   ---P. J. O'Rourke

I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.   ---John Wayne

Nobody goes there anymore...it's too crowded!   ---Yogi Berra

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.   ---in a Belgrade hotel elevator

When passender of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.                                        ---in an Tokyo car rental firm

Harmful or fatal if swallowed.   ---warning label on a piano. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.                   ---Dave Barry

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.  ---Charles Schultz

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.