The shock has spread through me like a numbing wave. You too know my wall and what I throw up to hide behind in quiet living death... My voice is tangled deep; deep within me and I cannot find the frayed start of it. Here only is my voice. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten something I had learned a long long time ago - something I should have remembered. People leave me. If I love them too fiercely, too deeply, their sudden absence can chill one to the bone. I too have been frozen solid into a block of ice, while I efficiently power through all that expected of me. No joy.
The phone rings... tears leak down my cheeks and I don't bother to wipe them away. Those on the other end of the phone cannot see them, noone hears them in my voice. I stumbled blindly into the bathroom, and stared in horror at my reflection. It is so funny.. I am so used to taking care of everyone, except me that I do not know what advice to give myself. I cannot get past the fact that I love you bodya nd soul forever and I gave that much. I have no reserve to retreat to. Just a life that doesn't want me and people who seek to punish me for not being perfect.
This month has passed in a blur....loveless days since you took your love away from me. Each lonely night and empty day seems to hack anotehr piece of me away Soon I will be so small noone will see me at all. I do not sleep... when my body slumps totally exhausted for a moment or two I wake screaming inside... I stare into a mirror and there is nothing in the reflection. I have ceased to exist.
I pace the streets invisible... I have constant reminders of my own mortality and I am too aware of how precious time is and how fleeting. Sometimes life snips the edges off your good intentions and leaves you with no second chance to say what really matters. I actively try to stop myself thinking about you, but the thoughts are always here, gathered in the air around me crackling like heat lightening through the darkness of this night of my soul. And the love.
