1999, ENTRY 3
YOU
...broke through the neutral state I was attempting to bury myself within. If I did not love I could not be touched, nor could I ever be hurt again. I became terrifying to others so as NOT to be terrified myself. I decided I would simply never love.. It is sometimes best to be safely dead, I told myself. I lied to myself it seems.
I closed down all emotions except anger and ambition. Until you. And then you kissed me. AND touched me. I will never go back from you, even though sometimes I wonder if that is not what I should have done..*s* but the time I may have done that is long gone. I cannot go away from you - ever.
There is nothing left of the private part of me that I have not given you. You have it all. I have gifted all of me to you. You are not at all what I expected.... you are a constant surprise and delight. You are what I have been waiting for all this time. A man with the strength and courage to speak the truth to me anyways. You my love, are far stronger than I am.
YOU ARE
And when I find you and you find me ...
it is as if suddenly time is no more,
rubbed out by your quiet words and gentle humour,
and the futility, the smallness, the meaningless irritations, ...
they are suddenly no more.
How good you are my darling...
sometimes
I sit and I am unaware the hours slip by;
I am unaware I am waiting for you.
Dismembered hours of waiting,
me - unlucid
with the pending thought of seeing you....
talking to you...
listening to you breathe....
hearing you laugh....