1999 Entry 2
My darling,
I should have known, but the eyes and ears of my heart are stoppered up... and I did not wish to know. I thought I was safely dead, that nothing could happen to me. How acutely I taste again the heady joy, knowing you want to be around me... to see me... to talk to me. Giddy delirious joy... I never once asked myself why it should mean anything to me, and yet it did... ( it does to this very moment in time...) It ALWAYS shall.
I remember so well your hands.... which hold all of my life which I have so blithely given to you. Your hands are gentle with everything. You are so calm you unfuss me. I become quiet when you handle me. You are the song in my heart all day, every day. I think of you from the moment of my waking, and I wake from dreams of you... you are interwoven into my very being.
I think of you all the time; I cannot escape from the thought of you. I have never been so obsessed. There is something about you; strength and yet undeniable gentleness...
Can there be a place in time and space for us, somewhere, somehow? Were we doomed even as we began? Are we fooling ourselves?
I AM
Australian
Twice Divorced
Catholic
Tied
Committed to care
Children
Work that ties
Elemental risk
Live on an edge
Flaunting convention
YOU ARE
Scottish
Long Term Committed
Protestant
Tied
Tied by caring
Children
Work committments
Safe
Steady sure
Conventional
I refuse to believe Fate cannot be dragged screaming by the hair if necessary to meet our needs and desires. I will not make simple things complex, or complicated things simple. I am your mistress and I relish that.... oh would that we had more opportunity... and we SHALL have... we shall *s*!! I am content to see what happens... for now.
I know I am not normal. I am in many ways all wrong inside for so many places life should be for others.... I am perceived as inhuman, ice through_and_through., a barrier between me and all the rest of humanity... except you. You are the only man I have ever looked to talk to.. openly I want you.... need you, crave you.. It has been so easy for me to work when I have been dead inside. It is not so easy any more.