You have just left...I have tried so hard to control and bury the pain of this which we have begun to do - now. Must. I am sobbing uncontrollably. All my control is gone - GONE.
I know you love me. This bullshit that it is not enough is JUST that bullshit. You said these things not with your heart, but with your mind that sees only logic. There is you. For me. For always. FULL STOP. You can justify it to yourself anyway you have to to make it easier for you to do what you feel you MUST do but in your heart you know exactly what I know. I am the one person ever born that can see you, know you and love you for who you are. And love you I do. Still.
And I know you love me. I do not care how long it takes. I wait. For you. I know you are doing what you feel you must, and I am getting out of the way so you can do what you say you want to. Whatever happens there began and was damaged long before you ever knew me. I cannot tell you how to play out that situation. I also cannot sit back and give my all in love just to make that situation bearable. I am not just your friend, but I am someone who loves you.
You have talked about wanting an equal relationship, and yet you seek to have it all ways. It can't work that way. The level of closeness we have is not merely because I am your friend, it is because in love I have torn down my every wall and let you walk close beside me, humbly and terrified that you would turn away when you happened across my flaws.. and when you saw how many layers the simple soul lies behind to protect myself ... Yet you stayed.
I know you will take what you have learned here in us to try and work things out in your life there, and I cannot sit back and watch what is born of our love be applied to somewhere I cannot go... a small lost hurt child with her nose pressed against the glass and hurting... wanting to so much be the one inside with you... knowing the beauty of the simple moments.. knowing the joy of your company. Knowing love.
I have not given up on us. I never will. I believe as I have for a long time - that I belong beside you, with you, now and always. I believe you have been unable to offer even what you might want to becasue there is so much unresolved I once said if I waited all my life for one day it would be worth it. I stand by that.
So it does not end.
We have both reached this point, in love - because of love.You had best get used to thinking of me alone ...because that is how I shall be. Now, there is you. For two years there has been you. And there is you from here on in.
I am watching the clock.... waiting for the moment I know your train pulls away from me. In my mind I see you clearly, as I always will see you. The palms of my hands know every part of you, my lips are still swollen from the pressure of yours...I feel acutely your hands on me...and I forever will feel you move on me... over me... in me... and feel forever the tears that drowned me.... The magic that flows with us....I will always see your face ...hear your voice... feel myself wrapped up in your arms.. and the whole world fades away...and all I know is you...
I write this through tears that obscure life...all I see if blurred. Last night as we made love I shattered - emotion, communication, openess and honesty previously unknown to me. Don't you understand you are the only man that has ever loved me??? That is what hursts so much. I know that.
And you know I love you. And I always will.I am glad we took this time. Stole it. Spent it on each other like millionaires with no tomorrow. Goodbye my love. When you need me I will be there.. you have only to ask. God it hurts. Hurts
I am going to shower and pack and then walk once more around this city. With your ghost. Feling you there one last time.. feeling your hand around mine even though you are already gone. You are everywhere here for me. We did not catch love. It found us, gathered us and bound us. I am eternally bound here with you.
You are the destination of any happiness I seek. You still are. So now I go into stasis like Merlin encased in a column of ice... I stand here my soul frozen here, lost forever in a world I can only dream of. You know this. I know this. We both tell polite lies...telling each the other what we think will make this parting easier....will free the other, Still we seek to do what we do not for ourselves but for the other.
The vaccuum I am walking into terrifies me. I am afraid for myself, for despair thatc reeps through me like ice
