You were not there and by rights I had planned to be where you were as well and then I never would have known. You were away on a business trip and I sat and kept company with friends in a place I had not been and someone expressed the fact they missed you.. "their lovely......." My blood ran cold. I investigated further and then sat there unable to think straight, unable to properly breathe until I spoke to you. I held off as long as I could and then I rang.
The phone call shattered some delicate part of me. Up until that moment I laboured under the belief that what I felt was mutual. It seems to me that it was not. You raised all sorts of questions in me.. and a battle began to rage within me as to what I should do.
I have never told you how much this hurt me. It was only recently I told you how I saw this as betrayal. I am now not at all surprised you can no longer go on. I must have been the ultimate game... so now I am embarassed and humiliated as well as devastated. The love I believed I shared was instead my love alone. A love you fed on and took and basked in and let open you.. All I ever had was a dream. Even when I began this as a living piece of love, you were betraying me.
I now wonder if you are capable of being true. You seem so much like a child, that seeks the adrenalin rush the cheap and easy thrill... you have never learned the joy of growing and flowing into, opening into something that grows with you..that shelters and calms and delights... that has the ebbs and flows of the tides which reflect our emotions, but has depth and constancy. You are right. You have never had an adult relationship.
I suppose I have been a distraction, and an amusement at least. I feel no shame for loving. I have at least been true to that. I am gutted that what you felt for me was so little.
Committment is not about becoming blind to others. Committment is about choices. It is about having opportunity there and even desire and in saying no today to whatever that is because of what you have. And then again tomorrow saying no again.
We have always been about communication. So I suppose I continue where I have ever been. When I found out about this affair and you told me of your others, a part of me died, by your hand and your faithfulness and the fact you valued so little what I am and what I gave you.
I tried to stay away for a period of time for you and for me and discovered I was weak and that you occupy the greater part of me. The diary I put in here is what I wrote during those days I first cut off contact. Know this, though I love you every day of my life, though there will never be another, I will not weaken from my resolve. I will never again reach out to you. I disappear from your life.
