Midnight Confessions

Sydney Alexis

I/III

Kathryn:

For seven years, this ship has been on a course for the Alpha Quadrant. Seven years of rationing food and energy, lost crew members, destroyed shuttles, confrontations and conflict with alien races, hurt feelings, and an overwhelming sense of being totally lost.

Granted, we now had monthly contact with the Federation, but that only seemed to make things worse. Letters from home made some homesick. Maquis members grew worried of what awaited them once we reached Earth. Most of all, I grew fearful of the microscope that I would be place under. Surely every personal log I ever made would be combed over. Starfleet would wonder how I survived the loneliness of command without going mad. I suppose on some levels I had though I had played my part so well. I acted like the pillar of strength, the symbol of Starfleet, the beckon that encouraged them to work forward towards home. In truth, I was exhausted. Time off was not a real option. Shore leave was few and far between.

I suppose that is why I did what had to be done. I separated the part of me that was Kathryn and let that side only appear when I was alone. I kept it neatly tucked away in the depths of my soul, hidden behind protocol. Protocol. I had come to use that word as a crutch to avoid feeling anything. I couldn't afford to feel simply because it would compromise my judgement. Some would say that it was irrational, and point out that this trip could very well last seventy years. However, I have an unshakable fear that, if I should finally open myself up to someone, I would be forced to order him to his death. So, I did what any other person would do and turned to the holodeck.

Even after a few months with Michael, I began to see that he was just as hollow as his matrix. The words that he spoke, the actions that he took were nothing more then mathematical equations programmed into the computer to act as responses. Human emotions, the very basis of love, is what was lacking. The day I realized that was a low point indeed. I had been fooling myself into false happiness. Of course, my infatuation with another person also helped to quench my feelings for Michael. Feelings...a simple word to wrap up everything I felt in a nice little package. He, unlike Michael, is flesh and blood, but spoken for as well as being a subordinate.

I never fully saw him that light until a few months ago. Granted, I had heard rumors about him, but I never believed them. I suppose it was a long term building of moments that led up to it. Fleeting memories that seemed insignificant at the time: a small joke to break the tension, a well meant set-up to pair off the Commander and I, but it was the tiny gestures that really caught my attention. While the majority of the crew only treated me as their Captain at all times, Tom managed to separate the captain from Kathryn. He could read me, most of the time: A smile encouraged him on, a wave of the hand and he stopped, but it was the small gestures that truly hooked me. I still recall the sympathetic look in his eyes when he came to my office and asked if there was any aspect of the Fair Haven program I wanted to save. In that small moment, in the privacy of my ready room, he managed to salvage what was left of my dignity. And just as he came in, he left without a harsh word or wise crack.

Of course, every person isn't without their faults. Tom is impulsive. While always well meaning, he does have a tendency to step out of line every so often. It's in those instances that I am the most heartbroken. It's so damned hard to yell at him for conduct unbecoming when his crystal blue eyes are staring back at me.

I suppose that he would just say that I was the captain acting accordingly not Kathryn. He was able to separate my two personalities, but, somehow, I can't. I know that that sounds irrational, but it's true. Every day I shared a shift with him was like an eternity. Siting in my command chair, my mind transfixed on him. When the silence of the bridge got to be too much, or when the sound of his voice threatened to pull me into those thoughts, I would retreat into my ready room, thankful that none of the bridge crew were Betazed. From there, I would complete on paperwork, go over scans, work on new propulsion designed, and half-pray that Voyager would fall under attack. Anything to get my mind off of him. I sighed. When did I get so adolescent about him? Of course, protocol made sure that dreams...very vivid dreams...were the only way that I could have him. Every detail, every scene was exquisite torture. I would always subconsciously flush as my mind meandered through situations. But, no matter how I thought about him, I always returned to my quarters alone. Regardless of protocol, he was already spoken for. Then, today, it happened. The impossible came true.

Tom:

I've never really believed in love at first sight. Hell, the first time I saw her..her uniform clean and crisp, her hair drawn up into that bun, the way she spoke to me...I thought of her as a typical Starfleet captain. It wasn't until I got to know her and vice versa that I grew to like her.

Kathryn and I became friends overtime. At times, I pushed the limits, but, somehow, we managed to balance our professional relationship with out friendship. So, yes, when I was sentenced to thirty days I was upset, but I knew it upset her just as much. Ever the Starfleet captain. Those thirty days left me with nothing but time to think. Though I was supposed to be thinking about my crime, I really thought about her. The pain reflected in her eyes as she removed that pip. The first smile that she gave me. The way her demeanor changed around me after I proved my talents at piloting. Her tiny figure leaning over the pool table to line up the last shot. The expression of pure delight as she sipped her first cup of coffee in the morning. The way she would stand behind me with her hand on my shoulder. I analyzed every detail, hoping to find some hint that she felt the same way. My thoughts only managed to drag up more unanswered questions. Two months after my time in the brig, my main questions were answered by mistake.

The mistake wasn't totally mine, We had just let too much silence pass between us. The romance started to fade, and I was too wrapped up to notice she and my best 'friend' were spending a great deal of time together. Too wrapped up...it was the excuse my mind gave me. Yes, I was pouring myself into work, but I was also tending to spend more time in the holodeck, playing pool with her. I didn't notice B'Elanna was slipping away. So, after the long awaited confrontation, I did what I always did; I went to a bar and got drunk. Unfortunately, I start to talk too much of the truth when I do. I never imagined that she would show up. I also never imagined that I would confess so much to her.

Kathryn:

The tension in the room as they entered the staff meeting this morning was incredible. B'Elanna's face was calm, but her eyes were filled with anger. Tom's left cheek was turning from shades of red to a deep purple color. He was visibly upset, but took his seat without a word. I normally would have chided them for their tardiness, but one look at his face...the pain hidden beneath the surface... was enough to stop me.

That evening, I stumbled into him while walking through Fair Haven. He was in Sullivan's talking to Michael. A half-filled bottle of whiskey on the counter-top, and an empty one beside it, he sat, slumped over the bar. His speech was slurred, angry. The mark on his face had grown worse over the day, yet he refused to receive medical attention. Michael smiled at me as I entered. He was a bit upset to see me still in uniform; the universal symbol that I was still on duty.

"Katie, good to see you."

"Nice to see you too, Michael. Would you mind if I talked to Tom for a moment?"

"�Course not," he said, walking towards the door. "Just be sure to lock up when you're done."

I nodded slowly and made my way towards the bar. "If you are here to drag me to sickbay you can forget it," he said, not looking up from his empty glass.

"I wasn't going to suggest that. I just came to talk."

"I think I've done enough talking for one day. It's what got me into trouble in the first place. Look, Captain, you don't have to play the peacemaker. B'Elanna and I will avoid each other. Of that I am sure."

"I'm not here to play peacemaker, Tom. I came to talk to a friend..or listen."

Sitting down a the bar beside him, I placed my hand on his shoulder, offering a small smile. I was hoping that this could all be resolved this evening, but, by the look on his face, it would take a bit more time.

"It was a mistake, nothing more. I shouldn't have said a word. It was the heat of the moment...I...I just wanted to make her hurt for what she had done...wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling..."

"I stopped off at Harry's to see if he wanted to play pool in Sandrine's with me. When I got to the hallway outside his quarters, I heard muffled screams, the sounds of objects being thrown across the room...I got worried, so I entered the override codes. I found him and B'Elanna half dressed, kissing. She started to yell at me, posturing, asking how dare I barge in like I owned the place. She said I was a voyeur. That Harry was more of a man than I was..that he treated her like a woman should be treated. I just stood there and listened to her yell at me, unable to believe what was happening. Imagine that; Tom Paris speechless. You know, Harry just stood there....he just stood there and watched the whole thing...

"This morning, I was in riding the lift up to the bridge when it stopped on deck two. She climbed in, glaring at me that whole time.

�Come on, Tom. I'm waiting for at least one remark. What's a'matter cat got your tongue?" No smart words to say? That's a first. Of course, that is the only thing that you can do well..make people laugh. Though it is usually at your own expense.'

"I felt my anger starting to grow. The more I tried to remain calm, the more she taunted me. I finally started to yell. I said everything I knew would upset her. I questioned her honor, hell, I even called her a slut. She just glared at me. Her eyes glazing over with a mixed look of hurt and anger, until she hit me. At least I got some reaction out of her."

"Oh, Tom. I had no idea."

"She betrayed me. I loved her and she betrayed me. I guess I was stupid to think that any woman could ever love me. I'm just the buffer, the rebound guy. The sooner I accept that, the less I will get hurt."

His words stung. Though his act of self-loathing was hurtful even to my ears, what he said seemed to disturb me more than they should. I felt my eyes starting to tear. Such pain was in his eyes."

"Tom, that isn't true, and you know it."

"Do I? Isn't it true, Captain. Ever since we have been trapped in the Delta Quadrant, I felt drawn towards her. I fell in love with her, but it seemed to take forever to convince her that I was what she wanted. Once she was finally fighting her demons, she turns to Harry. Harry, of all people, I never thought that my best friend...," he voice broke off.

I felt words tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I suppose the dark feeling in the air was contagious.

"You know, I can recall when I was growing up as a child, my mother telling me that there is someone out their for everyone, and all the others that we fall in love with are nothing more than teachers. They train you to understand what love is so that, when it does come, you recognize it. I had thought that Mark was that person. He was so sweet, funny, charming, but weak. Incredibly weak. I suppose deep down I knew that he wouldn't wait for me, but using the first contact that I get with Earth for years to send me a Dear John letter..."

He looked up from his newly emptied glass of whiskey. His eyes were dark. The expression on his face was unsettling.

"Excuse me if I sound cynical, Captain, but, I think your mother was just feeding you tales. There isn't someone for everyone. Just for the ones that the Fates favor."

"Perhaps so," I said, finally.

"Do you regret being trapped here?" He asked, finally.

"Hindsight being 20/20, yes. The choice I made wasn't fair to everyone. However, I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had. It's just..."

I let my voice trailed off, still in shock that I was speaking so candidly. Based on the amount of liquor he had consumed, I should think he would not remember this conversation in the morning, but I was fearful that he would. I was letting my mask slip. I began to feel out of control. Protocol was slipping, but I was too numb from pain to care. His words were ringing true. They made me realize just how lonely I had grown over the years.

"Just what?" He asked. This time, his eyes scanned me. I was aware of his gaze, and was trying hard to maintain what little composure I had left.

"It's nothing."

"Oh no. It's your turn to confess, Kathryn."

"So its Kathryn now, it is? That's subordination, Lieutenant."

"What are you going to do? Throw me in the brig again?" He laughed.

"No. The bridge isn't the same without you," I said, truthfully.

"Oh, I'm touched. Now, stop evading the question. Just what?"

"You don't give up, do you?" I laughed. It was nervous laughter, distant.

He nodded his head slowly, and turned to face me. The look in his eyes was serious.

"It's just that I am so tired of being the Captain. I can't remember what it's like to just be Kathryn."

"Then why not turn the ship of the Chakotay for awhile?"

"It's deeper than just that. Sure, I take a few days off. I spend a few days resting, in the holodecks, reading over long neglected literature. Then what? I return to being captain."

From the expression on his face, he wasn't following the vague line that I was trying to draw.

"Holodeck characters are just that...hollow. They are pre-programmed with responses of how to react to certain situations. As sweet and funny as Michael is, he doesn't have everything that I need. Granted, he can hold me if I ask him to, and his embrace is warm, but it lacks the warmth you feel when someone loves you. It goes past the body to the spiritual...God, that sounded silly," I laughed, suddenly realizing that I was pouring my heart out to Tom Paris of all people. I closed my eyes, waiting for a quick joke at my own expense. Instead, he just smiled at me.

"I never realized how alone you were, and me babbling on about my love life...I'm sorry, Captain. I had no idea."

"Back to Captain already, huh?" I joked. He flashed a brief smile at me before that look of concern returned.

"Surely there is someone aboard..."

"Yes, there is, but he's a subordinate," I said, lowering my eyes. I was suddenly too ashamed to meet his.

"Captain, with all due respect, this is the Delta Quadrant. Not every rule has to be followed to the letter."

"True, but I am the highest ranking officer here. I have to uphold the decorum, the regulations. If I grow lax just to enjoy myself, than I am showing the crew that they can do the same."

"You're making it sound as if the ship is going to fall into chaos if you fall in love, Captain. It won't. As much as you hate it, people need someone to talk to, to hold them, to make love to them every once and awhile. I know you might see it as a weakness to need someone, but I don't. So this man you have a crush on is a subordinate. Everyone on this ship is one to you. Seventy years is a long time. Maybe you should let the rules slide a bit."

There was a long pause after he spoke. I suppose I was stunned into silence. Everything he said made sense, and yet I was still scare to say a word. Fear...fear was all that remained me from telling him...A grin crossed his features, slowly.

"You know what I am saying is true. In fact, you've gone over it a thousand times before. So what's holding you back but fear? Why don't you just tell him?"

I felt a lump in the back of my throat. I was trying desperately to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. I closed my eyes shut, trying hard not to let emotion win. Why couldn't he just be his normal self? Why couldn't he just make some wise crack and clear the air. God, when did it get so hot in here?

"I can't tell him," I finally whispered.

"Why not?"

My emotions finally won over. The tears welling in my eyes began to fall. I suddenly became aware of his hand on my cheek. It was warm...it felt so good. He was inches from me. I could feel the vapor on my face. My heart began to race. I could smell him... a sweet mixture of soap, whiskey, and his own scent. His lips brushed up against mine.

"Because I'm in love with a man whose heart belongs to someone else," she said, just above a whisper.

"He thought it did, but he was wrong," he whispered into my ear. His nose nuzzled my neck, his hands in my hair.

"What makes you think your the subordinate?" I said, coyly. He started to laugh.

"You didn't pull away, did you?" He asked, kissing me before I could utter another word.

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