The Unsteady Heart

Sydney Alexis

Third Person:

Captain's personal log, supplemental:

"Three weeks have past since that night in Sullivan's. Ever since than, I have been avoiding Tom. I'm not completely convinced that he remembers everything that I said or that kiss we shared, but I am simply too embarrassed to admit it. It was a moment of weakness when what is right and logical was replaced by what felt good. I gave in, drunk by the moment, the air, the incredibly soft look in his eyes.

"For his part, Tom seems content on giving me some space. Perhaps he doesn't remember what transpired. I hope he doesn't.

"He has been quite as of late. His smiles seem forced, vacant. His eyes have a lackluster appearance. Even his stories seem to have taken on darker overtones, when he does tell any at all. I suppose that I could just associate all of those with B'Elanna and his constant bickering, but that too has faded.

"I spend most of my shift in my ready room. Seeing him is just too painful. I curse myself for being so weak, but part of me loved that night. For a few hours, I was free. I spoke my mind, saying whatever I wanted without filtering my words. His face lit up when I finally smiled at him, and the feel of being in warm arms again... was overwhelming. We danced well into the wee hours of the morning, not caring of the time. In those moments, I was just Kathryn. I felt alive, truly alive for the first time in ages. But reality intruded, and our time together grew to a premature end. He kissed me one last time, and I returned to my quarters, alone...again.

"Computer, end recording, date, and save."

The computer beeped with its instructions. Captain Janeway sat back in her seat. A single phrase, Tom's words from that night, lingered in the back of her mind...'The ship won't fall into chaos just because the captain finds love.'

A chime at her door drew her out of her thoughts.

"Come."

Seven strolled into the room, datapad in hand. The captain smiled at her.

"Seven. More paperwork for me to pour over?"

Janeway rose from her chair and moved towards the replicator. "Coffee?"

"No. I do not require liquid supplements at this time. Thank you."

Janeway's mind began to meander over what Seven could possibly want to speak to her dealing with a personal nature. Coffee cup in hand, she joined Seven on the sofa. A smile crossed her features as she noticed the younger woman's perfect sitting posture.

"As they say, I am all ears."

"The doctor seems to think that it is time that I try to perfect my social skills once again."

Seven's voice was filled with hesitation. Her tone was even, but full of dread. Janeway recognized that tone. She used it every time the doctor demanded that she show up for a physical.

"Oh?" She said, taking another sip of coffee.

"He believes that it is time I tried dating again."

"I see," she said, trying not to smile at the look on her friend's face.

"And just who is the lucky beau this time?"

"The doctor said that he would 'set me up with some nice fellow.'"

"I see, and you are worried who he has picked?"

"No. I deactivated the Doctor's program and accessed his romance subroutines. He is planning on asking Ensign Kim to accompany me to Lieutenant Paris's beach resort program."

"I take it you are not pleased with the Doctor's choice," Janeway asked, a bemused expression on her face.

"No. I believe Ensign Kim will make an...acceptable date."

"Then what is the problem?"

"When I was joined to the collective, I was just a child. While I do recall memories of other drones, I am unsure of appropriate dress for this situation. The Doctor suggested that I ask someone on this crew that I trusted and had similar taste to my own for assistance. You were the first person that I thought of."

"Well, Seven, I am flattered. When is this date?"

"Tomorrow evening."

"I see. Perhaps we could work on this after my shift is over. 1500 hours. I will meet you in the holodeck."

"The holodeck?"

"Trust me." She said, a smile spreading across her features.

"Thank you, Captain," Seven said, rising from the sofa.

"Anytime."

Seven walked quickly towards the door. 'Seven on a date with Harry. Poor thing won't survive long. Oh well, the Doctor knows best.' Janeway thought to herself.

"Seven, just one more thing."

"Yes?" Her brow raising.

"Be gentle with Harry," she said, trying hard to mask her laughter.

"Yes, Captain."

With that, Seven left the room. As soon as the doors to her ready room closed, Captain Janeway slid back into her sofa. For the first time in weeks, she began to laugh, lightly at first, but it soon filled the room.

Kathryn:

After viewing seventy four models for dresses and appropriate beach wear, Seven finally managed to find a dress that was "Efficient." I never knew that Borg's had such picky tastes. I made my way down the hall towards my quarters to find Tom waiting outside. Taking a deep breath, I made my way down the corridor.

"Something I can help you with, Tom?"

"Well, yes, Captain."

I keyed in the code and entered my quarters with Tom behind me.

"Computer, lights 75%."

I turned towards him, smiling. "Have a seat. I'll be right with you."

Walking into the bedroom, I called back to him, "Order anything you want from the replicator." I slipped out of my uniform and into an old dress, and returned to the main room. He greeted me with a warm smile.

"I came here to talk to you about this date the Doc set Harry up on."

"Oh?"

"Harry seems to think that he won't be safe alone with her. Something about her being able to severely injure him..."

I laughed the image my mind conjured, very aware that she could. I also knew that the outfit she chose would get some sort of reaction out of him.

"So what do you suggest, Tom?"

"Well, he asked me if I would mind doubling with him. He said that Seven agreed to it. She said it would be an 'intriguing to watch how other couple react to each other.'"

"And you want me to go with you?"

"You make it sound like its the coming of the apocalypse."

He stood and crossed the room. He was inches from me again. A beaming smile spread across his face. His eyes hopeful for the first time in weeks. I laugh at his joke, glad that my Tom is back. My Tom? When did he become mine.

Tom:

She is standing inches from me. Breathtaking is the only word that I could use to describe her. I know she's uncomfortable with the idea, but Seven and Harry would be there. I smile at her, watching her eyes cloud with a thousand emotions. She doesn't know what she wants. I bet she's even going over protocol about dating subordinates in her mind. I know that she remembers that night. I know I do. That rose scent that she wears wafted towards me, assaulting my senses. Her lips were so soft as I kissed her. I never expected her to return the kiss, but she did. She relaxed into my arms. We even danced for the better part of the night. The look on her eyes when she left that holodeck was as plain as the look they wear now...longing.

A long pause passes. I know what she is thinking; a slick way to duck out of this. I smile at her again. Stepping towards her, I wrap my arms around her tiny waist and kiss her deeply. I'm surprised to feel her kiss me back.

"Pick me up at 1700 hours."

My heart starts to beat even faster. She agreed! Her eyes begin to twinkle. I know that I should leave, but I can't seem to move. My mind is transfixed on her.

Her hand glides along my cheek. Her thumb stopping to caress the soft tissue of my lips. I smiled at her again, too stunned to speak. She's kissing me again. My lips, my neck, nipping on my ear. I grow steadily aware of my proximity to her. In the back of my mind I know I should leave before I do something stupid to screw things up, but she smells so good...

"Good night, Tom," she whispered into my ear.

Kathryn:

I've gone through everything in my closet a dozen times and still don't know what to wear. I need something reserved, classy, but not so much so. I don't want to seem uptight. Inwardly I groan for getting myself into this situation. Glancing down at the chronometer, I see that I have ten minutes before he will be here. I start to think about the outfits that Seven and I looked at the day before, and recall one that wasn't too revealing.

"Computer, access the holodeck program Seven beta-22. Show selections twelve through twenty."

The computer chirped with acknowledgment and replayed the selections. "Replicate number seventeen." Again, the computer chirped with recognition. A black one piece and a sarong appeared in the tiny compartment of the replicator. I padded back into the bedroom and dressed with a few minutes to spare. I regarded the image that greeted me in the mirror. Compared to Seven of Nine, I was no match. That outfit she picked out would surely catch both men's attention. Mine was modest in comparison. A black one piece that clung to my form just tight enough. The neckline was a bit low for my taste, but I didn't think to change it. The sarong, in great contrast to the black background, was full of vivid red, oranges, and yellows. It was tied at the side and fell just below my knees. My hair hung loosely at my shoulders, and leather sandals adorned my feet.

Before I could contemplate ways of backing out of this night, the door chimed. I moved towards it with hesitation, full well knowing who was waiting on the other side. I keyed in the code to unlock my door and it slid open to reveal Tom. He had a brimming smile plastered across his face that seemed to grow when he saw me. He was wearing a typical Hawaiian style shirt. It had a solid red background with bright yellow hibiscus flowers forming a ring around the shirt. He wore loose, baggy, tan colored shorts that fell just past the knees and leather sandals as well. In his hand, was a bouquet of native flowers. They were forgotten as he stood in the doorway, staring at me.

There was a long pause before he spoke. "You...you look...amazing, Captain."

I laughed at him. I managed to make him speechless...again.

"I think it's safe to call me Kathryn; Captain seems a bit out of place under the circumstances."

Tom:

I find that all I can do is stare. She looks incredible. I never realized how perfect her figure was until this moment. Meeting her eyes is next to impossible. I fear she will read the thoughts my mind is casting up. I finally remember the flowers that I had replicated moments before and had spent hours picking out of the database. I hand them to her, and she smiles at me. An earnest smile of surprise. She kisses me softly on the cheek and invites me in.

"Unless I am mistaken, we still have half an hour before we have to meet Harry and Seven," she said, finally breaking the silence.

I watch her cross the room, placing the flowers in a small vase on her desk. Just watching her move..Her face grows serious for a moment.

"I think that we should talk about what happened the other night," she starts. My heart drops. I had been expecting this for some time, but I was hoping it wouldn't come. I follow her towards to sofa, and take a seat near her. She is smiling at me, perhaps it is a good sign. My stomach is in knots as I run through the possible scenarios through my mind.

"That night I think we both said some things that weren't totally appropriate. You were drunk and hurting..."

She paused, her voice trailed off. I was not expecting what happened next; Kathryn took my hand in hers. I finally looked up to meet her eyes. They were covered with a thin sheen of tears. She closed them, allowing them to fall. I had never seen her like this. Raw emotion was surging through her. She started to speak again, her voice trembling.

"I said so many things that night that I shouldn't have. I was just so caught up in the moment..."

"It's okay," I said, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

I pulled her close to me, surprised that she didn't fight. She relaxed into my arms, just as she did that night. In a tiny voice she finished her thought.

"Part of me doesn't regret that I said them, but the other part is so terrified."

"I knew the shirt was a bit much," I said, eliciting a small laugh from her.

She stiffened against me, straightening her back. Her composure returned, she gave me a slight smile. "Now that I have sufficiently wet down your shoulder, perhaps we should make our way to the holodeck."

I smiled at her. Kathryn always struck me as such a courageous woman. Intelligent, funny, and incredibly strong. I never imagined she would let anyone, let alone myself, see her softer side.

I stood, offering her my hand, and led her towards the holodeck.

Kathryn:

When we arrived at the holodeck, Seven and Harry were sitting at a table near the calypso band that was playing. Steel drums filled the room with a soft Caribbean melody. Harry was speaking while Seven nodded her head occasionally. I had to smile at Harry as we entered. He obviously looked relieved and worried at the same time.

He stood as we approached the table while Tom helped me into my chair. I watched Harry's expression; it was priceless.

"I take it that Tom didn't mention who has date was this evening," I said in as even a tone as I could.

"No, Ma'am."

"Kathryn was gracious enough to agree to my invitation," Tom said, a sly grin crossing his face.

"Captain, may I inquire as to why you agreed to attend this event with Lieutenant Paris?"

I straightened in my seat. Somehow, Seven knew just the questions to ask to make things awkward. A dozen excuses ran through my mind.

"Well, when he first asked me, I wasn't going to attend, but he sort of smooth talked me into it," I said, taking a sip of wine.

"The Doctor informed me that men tend to ask woman out that they are sexually attracted to. Are you attracted to the Captain, Lieutenant Paris?"

I watched Tom's face crimson. He set his drink down on the table, and turned his attention towards me. I knew I should interceded, but asking her to speak with the doctor tomorrow would be out of the question. Half the ship would hear about it in a matter of hours. I also was very aware that I couldn't lie to Seven all that easily. Thus, talking to her about things privately in the morning was out as well.

"I'm afraid that I have to plead the fifth, Seven," he said, finally.

"The fifth?" She asked, raising her brow.

"Back on Earth, the people of the United State's Constitution's fifth amendment stated that a person had the right to plead the fifth amendment to keep from incriminating himself."

"I see. So you feel that your emotions towards the captain could get you into trouble."

"Sometimes people don't think about the reasons they do things, they just do," he said, finally.

"To do so is illogical, impractical, and reckless," she said in reply.

"Ensign Kim, do you regret ending your romantic relationship with Lieutenant Torres?" Seven asked.

It was Harry's turn to grow red with embarrassment. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. I reached over and touched her wrist gently.

"Gentlemen, could you excuse Seven and I for a moment?"

Tom:

Harry and I sat and watched Seven and Kathryn as they moved away from the table. Once they were out of earshot, Harry turned towards me.

"So, are you going to answer her question?"

"What question?" I asked, a grin spreading across my features.

"Do you have a thing for the captain?"

"I don't see how that is any of your business. Besides, you don't see me asking about every little detail that happened between you and B'Elanna."

"Oh come on. You said you didn't want to know."

"It's hard not to know what is going on when I'm the one that had to patch you up most of the time. 'Tom, I need your help again. I just can't have more injuries added to my medical record,'" I said, faking Harry's voice.

"Ha, ha, Tom. Now, don't try to duck out of the question. Do you have feelings for the captain?"

I straightened in my chair. My eyes drawn towards the two figures standing in the shadows of the archway a few feet away. Kathryn's short auburn hair seemed to glow in the artificial sunlight the holodeck created. Her hands and face were so animated as she tried to explain proper decorum to the stoic, scandally clad woman in front of her. I could almost see Seven as a child when it came to her humanity with Kathryn and the Doctor as her guides. She was unaware of the situation she had created. I sighed as Harry repeated his question, knowing I couldn't slip out of answering it this time.

"Yeah, Harry, I do."

Kathryn:

I glance over at the table where Tom and Harry are sitting. Tom is gazing over at us. A wide smile crosses his features. I begin to wonder what he is thinking. From him, I turn my attention to Harry. He seems to have a shocked look on his face, and is talking quickly while gesturing with his hands.

I return to the table, unable to read Harry's face. He seems less at ease than he did before, but Tom's smile just spreads.

"Would you like to dance?" Tom said, offering me his hand.

"I'd love to."

He pulled me into the center of the dance floor, calling for a change of music. An ancient Earth tune filled the room. A dark timbred woman's voice filled the room. The melancholy melody was haunting, empty, longing. It was almost heartbreaking to listen to.

Tom drew me closer to him. As his hands snaked around my waist, I wrapped my arms around his and placed my head on his chest. I could hear his racing heartbeat, smell his spicy aftershave. I closed my eyes to relish the moment, lost in a sea of pure senses. It felt so good to have warm arms wrap around my body. Becoming less aware of my surrounds, I centered my thoughts on him. He gave me a small kiss on the top of my head.

"Kathryn, I think the music stopped," Tom whispered into my ear.

I ignored his words, nestling myself closer to him. He pulled me away, slowly I meet his gaze. His eyes were soft. I recognized the look they reflected...longing.

"I should get you home," he said, sighing.

"Not just yet."

I stepped back, finally gazing at the room. Harry and Seven were no where in sight. The holographic band was packing up their instruments. Turning towards the ocean, I could see the sun was just starting to set. The sky was ablaze with shades of deep magenta, red, and violet. The crystal blue water moved along the white sand of the beach, sliding in and out with the movement of the waves.

Tom:

I watch her looking out at the ocean. The setting sun caught the highlights in her hair. The balance between her soft ivory color of her skin and the delicate rosey hue of her lips is striking. Taking her hand, I guide her towards the water. We walk, barefoot, along the beach. She is holding my hand, not pulling away, as if it was second nature to the both of us. Stopping suddenly, she turns towards me. An odd expression crossed her feature. Fearful I am reading her wrong, I stand still.

Without a word, she closes the distance between us, drawing me into a kiss. My hands instinctively go to her waist, my lips move to her neck. She doesn't stop me. I marvel at the softness of her skin..the fullness of her breasts. Her breaking grows shallow.

"Computer, initiate privacy lock, authorization Janeway, gamma-delta 887."

"Are you sure that you want this?"

She kissed me in response. Her tongue gently separating my lips and teeth, and joining mine in suggestive moment. I'd never experienced anything like it. A simple kiss almost made my loose what coherent thoughts I had left.

"Yes," she whispered.

It was all the confirmation I needed. I turned from kissing her lips to her neck while my hands roved over her body. Moving slowly, methodically, I reached her shoulder. Leaving butterfly kisses in my wake, I guided the straps of her bathing suit down. My hands followed every curve of her figure as they guided the water fabric down. Kathryn moaned slightly as my hands brushed up against her breasts.

Her nimble fingers found their way to the buttons on my shirt. In movements that seemed exceedingly slow, she finally glided her hands up my chest to my shoulders, guiding my sleeves off my shoulders. Kathryn's hands fall to the button on my shorts and hesitate for a moment.

Kathryn:

My heart begins to beat threefold what it did while we danced. I am overcome with him. The scent of him... his eyes have a voracious sheen covering them that he makes no effort to hide, the warm vapor of his breath against my body just before he kisses me. I can feel him responding to my touch. I'm torn between wanted to tell him to stop or simply cry. It feels wonderful to be in the arms of a man again. Warm flesh against my own, he moans with desire.

Giving into my own need, I ease the zipper of his shorts down. Marveling at the light bronze of his skin against the sunlight, the well sculpted muscles that his uniform hid.

Gently, he lowers me into the sand of the beach. I feel the waves lapping up against my feet. He joins me at my side. His gaze is wide, his smile deepens as he moves towards my lips again. His kiss is slow and seductive. A symphony of movements that leave me gasping for breath. Relentless, he returns to his previous path. Finally moving to capture my left breast. I moan loudly, unable to control myself. His tongue draws circles around my nipple, drawing it erect from the sensation. His hand falls to my other, mimicking the movement of his mouth. He returns to my chest, kissing down to my navel. His tongue dips into it, but his time there is brief. He dips lower moving towards my thighs. He kisses the soft flesh. Tom motions are intense and maddening. I am on the verge of crying out when he turned his attention elsewhere.

He moved from beside me to on top of me, returning to my lips. I can feel him pressing against my thigh. The dull throbbing in my body grows wild into an ache. I moved my hands down from their perch on his shoulders to the small of his back. Without a word, he understands my cue.

Tom:

"Tom...," her husky voice moaned into my ear. I merely smile at her. Just the sound of her voice...

Time seems to slow down, become meaningless. I am aware of only her. Even in the dark shadows of the last light, the sight before her is stunning. She looks like an angel.

Kathryn is repeating my name over and over again free of any inhibitions. A light sheen of perspiration is forming over her body, making her taste like salt and roses.

My hands find hers on the sand and our fingers intertwine. I feel her body growing tighter around me again, and allow myself to come with her. She cries out with the release.

I pull her into my arms, finally aware of how exhausted I am. I kiss her softly on the forehead, and whisper what I had longed to say for years, "I love you, Kathryn."

Kathryn:

My eyes begin to tear again. Did I hear him correctly? His hand is around my waist, his breathing ragged.

"I love you too, Tom," I whisper.

We lay on the beach, the water rising slowly over our bodies until I feel his breathing even. Confidant that he is asleep, I beam us to my quarters. For once, I am not returning alone.

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