Evil Lord John has been around for a very long time. A very, very, very long time. He predates time itself. He is immortal. Older than the Earth, and older than space. Evil Lord John knows all of the answers to all of life's questions, but just beacuse he's evil, he's not going to tell anyone. Anyways, I will give only a brief history of Evil Lord John, as if I were to do a full history, your computer would surely explode.
Evil Lord John was born at a young age. There was not a lot around him at the time. So he just danced a lot. The immense heat caused by Evil Lord John's wicked moves created a woman, by the name of Catharine (although she often got very drunk and told people she was called Cthulhu). Anyways, they got on well, and soon, there was a surge of awesome power and passion, which is now referred to as scientists as "The Big Bang." After a couple of hundred billion years, there was a civilised race of animals. Namely, giraffes. Evil Lord John rode the giraffes daily, and eventually, Catherine got annoyed with his spending time with these marvelous creatures. She dumped him, and buggered off somewhere. She left a sign up, saying "Do not disturb, or all life on the planet shall cease to exist."
Lord John made a lot of enemies (including this really hypocritical fellow by the name of Yhwh), but he also made a few friends. One such friend was Lucifer. A really enlightened fellow him. John and Lucifer would have some rather interesting conversations, and would sit up at night sipping Chlachdryken and sharing opinions of what the best way to eat live babies in front of their mothers was. All of a sudden, this Yhwh fellow started spreading all sorts of atrocious lies about Lucifer, saying he was the King of Babylon, and about how he'd been kicked out of his holiday park- Haven. "I've never even been to Babylon, mate!" Lucifer said to people who believed Yhwh, but, alas, Yhwh had a lot of friends. Most of his friends were annoying pricks, as well. But let's not get into this.
Another of John's friends was this fellow by the name of Satan. Satan worked for Yhwh, but wasn't really a big fan of his work. "I remember making fun of Satan about working for Yhwh," reminisces John, "and he'd say, 'You know, John, that guy's one pain in the scrote. He tells me to do all of this stuff. Kill this, blow up that, infest that fellow's undies with locusts. In the end, everyone blames me. It's shocking'. I suggested that he quit, but he needed the money, y'know?" Satan eventually told Yhwh to 'go and fuck himself', and went to Iceland. He got a job stacking shelves. Last we heard, he's still there. John and Satan lost touch after a while.
"Satan was always talking about these great plans and stuff. I'll give credit where it's due- he had some good ideas. He had this cool idea of creating this huge place in the middle of the Earth, where people would go and be molested with cattleprods for all eternity. But he never had the bloody gumption to get it all done. I blame Nintendo- Satan just had a really bad attention span because of that damned thing." Indeed, Nintendo has been an inhibitor of truly evil deeds since it's creation.
A couple of thousand years ago, Yhwh had this party, and Evil Lord John had an invitation. Yhwh had a bit too much of the Chlachdryken, and started going on rants. John remembers this party with much regret; "Yhwh got a little too drunk. After a few hours, he was running around, cursing up a storm, and proclaimed that he 'invented the hippo'. We ignored him at first, but after a while, he started shouting about how he created the Haven and the Earth, and all sorts of other strange things. He then said he felt bad about his life, and decided to have a kid. I kind of felt sorry for him at the time, so I toned down the evil slightly by saying 'Yhwh, if you have a kid I'll nail the bastard to a fucking tree'."
In the next few hundred years, things were pretty good for Lord John. People were shagging like no man's business and not killing each other. Which left more people for him to kill. Then the story of Yehowshua, or as John calls him, 'Tree-Boy', became widespread, and people decided that it would be best if they didn't bone each other, and instead, killed each other for Yehowshua and Yhwh. This did not please the John. After an age of looking at this, he was angry and bitter, and his views of how he would finally destroy the world got darker and more twisted. Until he thought about forcing men to make love to blenders. Then he went back a bit and tried to get that image out of his mind.
During this time, however, John decided it would be best if he attempted to get some jobs, to keep himself busy. He wrote a load of really bad plays, and felt kind of bad about them. He gave them to this fellow, named Shakespear, to look at. "Bill ripped me off," says John. "A pox on him! However, I am kind of proud that I've made every single child in the English speaking language suffer miserably. That's the kind of thing you want on your resumé, right there."
After a while, he got bored. He decided to go back to Cathrine. He was shocked to find that she had facial hair, that had turned into dreadlocks. Not only that, but lack of sunlight had caused her face to turn green. John, fearing his sanity, ran away. "I didn't 'run away' exactly," says John. "You see, I went back to my ex to find that she hadn't been laid in a few million years, and she was horny as fuck. And I may be immortal, but I have standards. And green woman with dreadlock beards are borderline. I'm still thinking about it."
In the 1900's, Evil Lord John made a few pornographic movies under the alias 'Long John Lloyd'. He's been the star of such films as "The Cunt of Monté Christo," "The Cunt of Monty Python," "The Sperminator," "The Latex, The Robes, and The Wardrobe", and the classic "Red Knobs and Love Sticks". He decided to enroll in a public school in a dull place nobody cares about, in order to study society and quietly observe the psychology of the human mind. After going through 11 years of said school, he got bored, and decided to work on his plots for World Domination, and the demise of mankind, along with yours truly, Noble Knight Karamunga.
The official press release for the recruitment of Karamunga as his partner in the deeds of pure evil came as a shock to many. To quote said press release;
Yes, Karamunga is experienced. Yes, he smells funny. Yes, he has a very small peewee. Yes, he has a nasty habit of taking too much Chlachdryken, taking off his shirt, holding it sideways and announcing that he is, in fact, a flagpole. But aside from these (and many other) imperfections, I, Evil Lord John, feel that he will be an invaluable asset to my plans, not just because of his verbosity, but because of his ability to use lots of words. That, and he's got pictures of me in a dress. I threatened to show the pictures of him in a dress to people. It didn't work- he gave the pictures out. Bastard.
When he's not in his lair torturing the souls of the damned, Lord John is most likely partaking in rituals with Karamunga, or running over rabbits and then jumping on their heads- he's just that fucking evil.