Wings
by Isa Akane B.
__________
I'm afraid.
I, Raziel, first born of Kain's lieutenants, Lord of the Razielhim, am afraid. Of wings. My wings. They should have never appeared. That's the rule, no evolution before Kain evolved himself.
But I didn't choose it. It happened so quickly, Kain didn't even notice them. But he hasn't noticed anything about me, these weeks. He uses to say I'm different from my "brothers". He won't be disappointed, this time! If he only looks at me...
I miss him. Miss his caring arms and hands. I've always been his favorite lieutenant. Maybe that's because I was the first he made. He has always been there for me. He was there to comfort me in my first years in this new life, to take my anguish away. He had always taken me in his arms, then, when I cried my heart out for no reason. Sometimes we sat and he took me in his arms and rocked me like a baby, telling me he understood how I felt. Other times I just sat on the cold marble at his feet and rested my head on his thigh as he silently stroked my hair. The contact was enough to calm my soul. He was like a father comforting his young son. Somehow, that's what I was.
Then my anguish changed. This time I knew where it came from. He had taken other lieutenants and told me they would be a new company for me. I got scared, afraid of losing what we had, that devotion I had for him, that caring he had for me. With them around I didn't dare laying my head on his lap anymore, didn't dare asking for a hug. I hated them, first, but I couldn't do anything. Kain would have disapproved if I had tried to get rid of them. And I didn't want to disappoint him. He saw the change in my heart before I even understood it myself. I was jealous. And I loved him. That's when our relationship changed.
He came to me one night as I was brooding near the Human Citadel, where I thought nobody would look for me, nobody would think I was there. Nobody but Kain. He always knew where to find me. I was relieved as I felt his strong arms circling my waist and his cool breath on my neck. He told me that I didn't need to worry, that I had always been his favorite and will always be. I turned in his embrace and he kissed my lips. He had never done this before and I'm sure I had a very strange and very surprised look on my face because I heard him chuckling. Then he leaned and kissed me again. He was no longer a caring father. It was the kiss of a lover.
We've spent so many years together after this... Many things changed but our love never weakened. I watched him become something different, a more powerful being than before. Humans think he's ugly, monstrous. I think he's beautiful, perfect. I studied every transformation in his body, afraid of suffering from the same changes myself. But he was always there to comfort and reassure me when it happened, something he didn't do for my brothers. I had to be the comforting one for them, as I had finally learned to like them. But all I had to offer them was words. Kain offered me his love.
But this time it has been very different. He wasn't there for me. He has been distant, these weeks, as if something bothered him. When I asked, he just said it was nothing important. He had that look on his face like when he senses something is going to happen. Maybe he knew what was going to happen to me and was concerned.
Then I grew wings. In other circumstances I would have been proud of them. I feel more powerful with them. I quickly learned how to use them. But no, I shouldn't worry. Kain will be proud of them, too. I've discovered that they're very sensitive, and I just can't wait to feel his hands caressing them. I'd like to feel him burying his face in them as he used do with my hair. They're almost as soft.
I miss him. I miss these moments of pure bliss when I feel secured in his arms. I still don't understand why he's so distant now, as if he wanted to forget what we are to each other. Maybe he just wants to keep me away from something dangerous he thinks could happen. But what could happen to me when his hands are on me?
I trust him.
I need him. But I shouldn't worry anymore. He's waiting for me to enter the throne room. I can see him, now, sitting between the broken pillars. Just a few steps and I'll be kneeling in front of him, displaying my new gift, waiting for him to inspect it. And everything will be as before.
But still... I'm afraid.
_________________
Read Wings 2, Kain's thoughts just before ripping Raziel's wings
© Isa Akane B. , 2001