Wings 2
by Isa Akane B.
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I knew this was going to happen. I knew that they would all evolve differently at one time or another. They're all watching me as I change, trying to imagine what they will look like when the same thing will happen to them. But I'm older. They can't know they're already following their own path in evolution, but I do.
And it has started. I knew Raziel was changing before he even realized it. I didn't tell him anything, I didn't want to disturb him with that knowledge. I just didn't know what his gift would be. I was both excited and anxious. I wanted to see him becoming more powerful, closer to perfection. My perfect little Raziel. The perfect lieutenant, the perfect son. The perfect lover. So much devoted to me.
But as I heard the rumor about his new evolution I became afraid. Afraid of loosing him. And maybe afraid of loosing Nosgoth. They said he has grown wings, large wings allowing him to fly. That's all the information I received, then. I haven't seen him for a while, now. Actually, as hard as it was for me, I've been avoiding him for a while. I didn't want to see him, didn't want him to look at my troubled face. What would he think if he knew my present feelings? I love him and I don't want to hurt him. I can't let him know...
With his wings he can get independent and powerful enough to try to overthrow me and become the ruler of Nosgoth. But would he even try to overthrow me, or would he keep on following me, obeying my orders? I can't take that risk. At least that's what I would say to the others to justify what I will do. To hide the terrible secret I've learnt. They must not know it, not even Raziel. The news of his wings only surprised me first and I tried to imagine what he would look like with them. Then I had that terrible dream where I saw what he was to become next. A blue skinned winged being. So much like Janos, but so different at the same time. I can't let this happen. Not again.
Now that he's standing before me, I understand why his brothers had been so excited when they talked about Raziel's wings. Fools. They think they'll be gifted like him soon, too, but I know they won't. I have been imagining what he will look like with his wings but I wasn't prepared to that sight. I couldn't help but gasp as he carefully spread his new gift. He's so beautiful. I'm proud of you, my dear Raziel. You look so powerful like this, with your large wings opened. As I caress them I can see he's wincing. If his brothers see that they'll think it's because these wings are very sensitive, and I'm sure they are. But I know there's something else. I can feel he's worried, and even afraid. I've felt his uncertainty as he entered the room. And just as I touch the fragile membranes he doesn't trust me anymore. He can't know what is going to happen, though. But he knows something's wrong. He's right, he can't trust me anymore. At least for now.
I know what I must do. I had feared I'd have to do this, but now that he's in front of me I know I have no other choice. I can't show my pain to my lieutenants, I'll pretend to be merciless, cold and angry. And I'm angry, because I have to do this to him, because Fate decided it would end like this for him as this beautiful being. A terrible end, not the one he deserves. I can't allow his brothers to know how sad all this is making me feel. But it's the only thing to do to save us both. And save Nosgoth. I just hope I'll survive without him by my side, without his care, his love, remembering me I've been alive and had such feelings a very long time ago. I know I'll have to live with remorse for a long time. Unless it makes me mad enough to even forget it, forget my feelings for Raziel. Maybe that would be the best thing to hope for.
I can't turn back, now. I've already taken my decision.
I'm so sorry, my sweet Raziel.
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© Isa Akane B. , 2001 - 2002