| Reason 8 I'm gonna call home. That's why my hands are shaking. That's why there's not a single muscle in my body that isn't tense. That's why I'm wringing my sweaty hands together. That's why I'm trying to pull myself together, as even thinking about it has me falling apart. I want to hate Shaun right now, for persuading me to make the call. For practically dragging me to a phone box and shoving me inside, then leaning on the door so I can't get out until I've called. I'm serious. He's standing against the door. Alright, maybe he didn't *drag* me in here, but I'm dead serious about him not letting me out until I've called. And seeing as I don't feel like spending the rest of my natural life stuck in a phone box, I guess I'd better call. I stare at the coins in my hand, then slowly pick up the phone and start putting the money in the slot, one coin at a time, so slow I'll probably develop arthritis before they're all in there. I almost forget my own phone number, and panic for a second, glancing over my shoulder at Shaun. But he's not facing me. He's got his back against the scratched and glazed door, watching people enter and retreat from the sliding automatic doors of the mall. The numbers come to me one at a time, and I only pray that they're in the right order as I press them in with shaking fingers. This is a mistake. Mom's gonna scream down the phone at me, or Chino's gonna answer and I don't know if I could handle that. Before I have a chance to hang up, the call is answered. "Yeh?" It's Elias. "Elias?" I choke out, even though I know it's him. He sounds as cocky and unreachable as always. It's only been days, but I feel like I haven't seen him in years. I feel like I'll forget him completely soon, it's been so long. "Letty?" he says, sounding disbelieving, like I really *have* been gone for years, "W...where are you?". I can barely hear the worry that's etched into his every word. He's lowered his voice after practically shouting my name. Chino must be around. Oh god, I can't believe I've left my brother with him. "I'm...I'm OK. I'm with...friends. Everything's fine, Elias" I assure him, "You. Are you OK?". I...I should have got Elias to come with me. He's older than me, sure, but when Chino gets going, it doesn't matter how old or big you are, he'll kick you into next week and then some. "I'm fine, Letty. Where *are* you?" he repeats the question, but the pause before his answer and the tone of his lowered voice tells me he's very *not* fine. That Chino's close. That the pressure he exerts is reaching near crushing point where Elias is concerned. "I'm...I'm stayin' someplace while this guy finds Pedro for me. I'm goin'a stay wit him" I answer. I don't want to tell him where I am, incase Chino presses him for information. I wouldn't blame Elias for breaking and telling him where I am, but if he doesn't know, he can't say, can he? "Who, Letty? Who're you with *now*. Where are you *now*?" he insists, his hushed words becoming more urgent. I squeeze my eyes shut as tears gather at my lashes and pool at the corners of my eyes, imagining my brother crouched next to the phone, hearing Chino coming in the front door but so desperate to know that I'm safe that he keeps asking until the very last minute, hanging up right before Chino grabs the phone, then taking whatever punishment Chino deems neccessary. "Elias" I choke out, simultaneously letting out a heaving sob, "Please come with me. Come to Pedro's. Please, don't let Chino hurt you, Elias-" "Letty, tell me where you are. You gotta come home, babygurl. I promise I'll keep you away from Chino. I'll make sure he never touches you again, Letty. Jus' come home so I know you're OK" Elias interrupts, and his husky whispers are becoming more desperate. "I can't" I sob, "Please E-" the phone goes dead. I stare in horror at the machine and see that it's been asking me for more coins, but I haven't noticed. I drop the phone, shaking and crying, backing away from it. Shaun must've heard me, because he stops leaning on the door and steps away from it, not sure what to do. I push it open and stumble against him, face pressed against his chest, tears more than likely making wet stains on his shirt, but I can't help it. Shaun gently wraps warm arms around my shoulders, one hand gingerly placed against my hair. I don't blame him for making me call home. For making me break down. I'm angry at myself. For leaving Elias alone with Chino. I'm alot smaller than both of them, but atleast when I was there, Elias didn't have to deal on his own. Chino's anger was chanelled into more than one place. Elias wasn't the focus of everything that Chino's about. Violence. "Lo siento" Shaun says, rubbing the back of my head, "Lo siento, mi Letty. Please don't cry". It's not his fault. I can't speak to tell him that though. I've got a face full of his jersey but I don't want to pull back. "You want to go home, Let? Angel'll get you a ride home, if you want" Shaun continues, not saying anything about me pressing myself against his injuries, which I'd totally forgotten about until just now. I pull away, because I'm afraid I'm hurting him, and he watches me. The look in his ebony eyes tells me he thinks he's done something wrong to make me pull back. "I can't" I say, pulling myself together and wiping my eyes on the back of my hand very ungracefully, "I can't go back. I...I jus' need to think things through". Shaun nods, still watching me, "You want me to go away? I'll understand if that's what you want. Angel's still inside, if you'd rather stay with him until he finds your cousin". He thinks I'm mad at him. That I blame him for me falling apart all over the footpath here. I can see it, because I know what it looks like. If you're always told you're the blame for anything bad that happens in someone's life, then pretty soon it becomes instinct to apologise. To take the blame and the punishment without trying to defend yourself because you've been told so many times that it's your fault that you've started to believe it. Then comes the self-loathing and your esteem drops somewhere below your ankles. Shaun is so much like Elias, it's like my brother is right here in front of me. "It's not your fault" I say, wiping at my cheeks, trying to clear away the last of my tears, "I just miss my brother, is all". Shaun looks at me still, nods as if to agree, but I can still see it in his eyes. He still believes it's his fault. And I don't think anything I say will remedy that. "You still up for some food?" I force a smile, wiping my hands against my shorts. He's still watching me, trying to guess what my next move will be. Trying to see through the front I'm putting on. He nods slowly, and seeing as he's showing no signs of turning back towards the mall, I move past him and listen for the scuff of his shoes as he follows. It's still hot. The sun dries what's left of my tears. I still feel terrible. I'm still totally messed up and I still really need to think shit through, but right now, what I need isn't really important. What I *want* is something routine to focus on. Like lunch. I can focus on my food and the surroundings and have a break from thinking for once. Back inside the mall where it's not so sticky and hot. Where it's dry and cool. Where Angel is still standing around, having lost the head-banger somehow. And he cocks an eyebrow at me as we make eye contact, before signalling for Skarto and Argento to stay where they are, and heads over. "Something wrong?" he asks with brows raised, as I stop just short of running right into him. My reactions have slowed a little. I'm a bit groggy from crying. My head's all messed up. I can only focus on one thing at a time. Shaun doesn't say anything. Just stands behind me, staring at the floor, looking and feeling guilty. "Nope" I put up a damn good fake smile that seems to have him fooled for a second, "We're gonna get some food". Angel keeps his eyebrow raised, watching for a minute, knowing something's up because my smile doesn't correspond with Shaun's downcast gaze. I'm not focussing on Shaun though. I'm focussing on Angel. And my one track mind is blocking out anything else. "OK" Angel says slowly in that accent that I still haven't placed, "Shaun" he says it so sharply that Shaun looks up, "I'm gettin' word of a rave tonight. You gonna hit it up or wot? I can get yous in, if you want". I look back at Shaun. A rave sounds fucking good to me. Let go and just have a great big mindless party until you collapse. No room for regrets. Only room for fun. I want to go. "Uh" Shaun glances at me and shrugs. Doesn't know what to say because he doesn't want to upset me again. Hell, even if he said no, who's to stop me going? Angel'll still get me in, I'm sure. "C'mon. Show Letty a good time a'fore she goes" Angel says, smiling across at me. I grin back. That's right. Let me have fun. Let me let go. Let me forget the shit and just do what I want for once in my dismal little life. "Not up to me" Shaun shrugs, looking over at me again to be sure he's not upsetting me with his answer and to speak to me directly, "If you wanna go, then go. It's your choice". "Count me in" I grin at Angel, then glance at Shaun. He's not saying anything, just watching, totally blank look on his face. Doesn't look angry or dissappointed or happy. Totally blank. Can't read a damn thing off his face. It's vaguely annoying, but not enough to make me really give a shit. "Come on, Shaun" Angel insists, "It'll be fun, mon ami". I look over at Angel just as those two words leave his mouth. I've heard those words before. Mon ami. They're not Spanish. But they flow with his accent, so that means that's his native language. That's how I tell people's nationality if it's not obvious by looking at them. You can tell it in the way their words flow together. Only problem is, I don't know what language those words belong to. "Where you from, Angel?" I ask, not really caring that he's waiting for Shaun to answer. I just want Angel to take me to this rave and get me pissed so I don't have to think about how I've fucked over my own brother. One track mind. Angel running on repeat. He smiles at me, "The Bronx". I cock an eyebrow and cluck my tongue against the top of my mouth then shake my head to let him know that I ain't buyin' that, "You don't got the accent to be from the Bronx". "I am!" he insists, eyes wide at the implication that he's lying, looking to Shaun for support. I glance at Shaun, and he just nods and shrugs, confirming that yes, Angel is from the Bronx. Back to Angel, my focal point. "Wot's with the 'mon ami' shit then? And I can tell your accent ain't American" I ask, folding my arms and raising my chin, trying to get him to rise to the challenge and tell me where he's from. He gives me a crooked grin and spreads his arms as though I've found out some great secret, "Nothin' gets past you, does it?" I smile back and wait for him to continue, "That's my mongrel French, so please excuse it". "You're French?" I raise an eyebrow but keep my arms folded. He certainly doesn't look it. I always imagined French in those floppy little pancake hats with slick black hair and a black and white striped shirt with a cigarette hanging from their mouth. Very Hollywood, I know, but that's the way things are. "Oui. I am. Well, my parents are" he shrugs, "I've never been there". I'm fascinated. I've never met someone who's French. I always thought French people were really up themselves, y'know? Like, they eat frogs and snails and stuff. And I heard somewhere in France they think that 'hamburger' is a dirty word. Angel certainly ain't like that, though. "Have you got a heaps faggy French name?" I ask with a teasing smile. I notice Angel toss a glance at Shaun, but choose to ignore it. I'm working on a one track mind. Shaun is not part of that. "Lebeau. Diego Lebeau" he says it all Bond style, and I smile wider. It sounds cute, the way it rolls off his tongue. Lebeau. It's nice to hear something that doesn't end in 'z' or 'o'. Hispanic is getting old fast. I wanna go get drunk and dance with this French hottie. "Lebeau. Sounds cute" I scrunch my nose then wink. He sighs and rubs a hand against the back of his neck, "I get shit for it, though. That's why I'm jus' 'Angel'". "Why you get shit for that? It's heaps cute" I answer, a slight frown forming. Tell me who said shit and I'll kick 'em all to hell. Elias says my name sould've been Arnie or Sly, not Letty. "One'a the X-Men got the same last name. The one that throws the cards with the black and red eyes.... the one that wasn't in the movie" Angel says with a slightly embarrassed shrug. "Gambit. It's kinetic energy. He charges them up before he throws them, that's why they explode" I reply right after him, then shrug at his questioning look. Hector's got a five year old brother, Moreno. I was flipping through his comics one time, and that Gambit guy is kinda cute, for a cartoon. Which means the name suits Angel just fine. "When's this rave start then?" I ask to break the silence . He glances at his watch, looks outside through the automatic doors just behind Shaun, then turns his icy blue gaze back to me, "Nine, nine thirty". I nod and look down at my clothes. I damn well ain't wearing this sandy shit. I mutter something about it, and Angel reaches out a hand, lifting my chin, "C'mon. We'll get you somethin' to wear, 'ey?". I grin at him. He's so cool. My one track mind is stuck on Angel and is showing no signs of changing tracks any time soon. I like this one anyway. Angel Lebeau. "Shaun, you comin'?" Angel turns back to Shaun, who I've totally disregarded. Shaun opens his mouth as if to answer, glances at me and my bored expression because I just wanna get going and get some new gear for tonight, then shuts his mouth the shakes his head. "I'll see yous there" he says, and I disregard him completely, linking my arm around Angel's. He glances down at me, then across at Shaun, looking a little confused, really. If I wasn't so consumed in Angel and in *not* thinking about Elias and home, I would've noticed that Shaun looks really lost and alone right now, and I'm not helping any by ignoring him. But I *am* consumed in Angel, so I don't notice. "Uuuh, yeah. Aright. I'll see you tonight, mon ami" Angel says to Shaun after a moment of consideration, then we turn away and leave Shaun there on his own. More To Come.... |