Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes
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When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer
means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground
control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they
would release one lawyer every hour.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig:
after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
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There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
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The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the
judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that
makes a huge difference in my client's defence."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "How many can you afford?"
A2: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A3: Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
A4: Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A5: Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder,and the third to sue the
ladder company.
A6: Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent
failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to
sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur,
two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five
to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle,
one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
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Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
He tells you that he has never told a lie.
A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."
Prison guard is shaving your head.
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How lawyers do it...
Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.
You Might Be a Lawyer if...
you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
your other car is a BMW.
when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
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The scene is a law court. The prosecution counsel faces the female witness and rasps:
'Is it true you committed adultery on the 18th of June in a snowstorm while
riding on the roof of an automobile travelling at ninety miles an hour through Slough
with a one-legged dwarf waving a Union Jack?'
The young woman in the witness box looked straight at the prosecuting counsel and said,
calmly: 'What was the date again?'
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Policeman in witness box: This woman came up to me when I was in plain clothes and tried
to pass off this five pound note, m'lud.'
Judge: 'Counterfeit?'
Policeman in witness box: 'Yes, m'lud, she had two.'
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The judge had just finished telling the prisoner that he was free to go as the
jury had found him not guilty of fraud, so the prisoner asked: 'Does that mean I
can keep the money?'
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The most difficult task a young lawyer ever had was the evening he spent trying to change
a beautiful young lady's will.
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The complicated commercial lawsuit had dragged on for years and years.
'I've had enough of this,' said the managing director of one of the firms involved.
'Let's come to a compromise solution and settle out of court.'
'Impossible!' snorted the City solicitor. 'My firm is determined to fight your case right
down to your last penny.'
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