*******

      Jodi grew up as the oldest of 6 children. She received lots of hugs, and heard "I love you" often. Her mother made certain that the children went to Sunday School and church on a regular basis. She was their Sunday School teacher, room-mother for school parties, and Camp Fire group leader. On Saturday afternoons she often invited neighborhood children inside for Biblical flannel-graph stories.
      Her father loved his children dearly, though as they grew older, it became increasingly difficult for him to express this. He taught them how to "Indian wrestle:" he took them on rowboat rides down the river; he built snow families with them in the winters; and loved hiding eggs on Easter morning.
      He worked hard to support his family, sometimes working two and even three jobs at a time. It was only natural as the children grew older that they were expected to help with the responsibilities of a large family: caring for younger children and helping to keep the house clean.
      The perfect family? Jodi thought so. Even as an adult living in the same small community as her family, she depended greatly on the close-knit unity that outsiders told her she was fortunate to be a part of.
      But there was something wrong with this picture. When she was at home with her two children - the doors closed, the curtains drawn, and no one else around - she became depressed, suicidal and abusive. She was unable to cope with the stress of raising her children alone. As the years crept by, she gained more and more weight, spent more time being depressed and became less and less able to function. Sometimes she spent months just sitting on the couch staring into space or crying. Somehow, her children seemed to grow up around her.

*******

      Maggie was not as fortunate as Jodi had been while growing up. Her parents were very young when she was born, and by the time her mother was 19, she had two young children at home and found herself in an unhappy marriage. Her husband drank too much, they fought often, and she found herself unable to cope with the everyday stresses in her life.
      The little girl was not allowed to play for mother could not deal with the mess or noise that children make. By the time she was 2 years old, Maggie was spending hours sitting quietly on the sofa or in a corner sucking her thumb. Even then she realized, in her own childish way, that mother would be happier if the little girl wasn't there at all. So she sat not moving, not making any noise, her eyes often closed, for this was the closest she could get to not existing, and thus making life better for mother.

*******

      While growing up, Brenda heard constantly how much she was like her mother. And Brenda knew it was true. They both liked to talk a lot, and they both liked to be the center of attention. Brenda was overweight just like her mother, and they both felt the sting of criticism from other people. Even Brenda's mother knew how much alike they were and she considered her little girl to be her best friend, often confiding her own hurts and fears in the child. Even though Brenda had other brothers and sisters, she always knew that she was her mother's favorite child. Her brothers and sisters knew it too and they felt a lot of resentment towards Brenda
      As the years went by and the children began growing up, her sisters often confronted her, accusing her of always taking their mother's side in family disputes. Brenda didn't like always being at odds with her sisters, but she knew just how fragile their mother really was, how misunderstood she was. Brenda had long since appointed herself as her mother's "guardian," taking it upon herself to stand between her mother and the rest of the world in an effort to protect the older woman. As the years went by, she became more and more alienated from her siblings and even her father. But, it didn't matter. Her sole purpose in life was to make her mother's life easier, and if it meant not having any other relationships with other people herself� well, that was a price she was willing to pay.

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      Jo grew up believing that her only purpose on earth was for other people's sexual gratification. From the time she was a very small girl, her body was used by adults, including a church member who abused her in the church sanctuary. The experiences varied from intimate touches to very bizarre and perverted forms of abuse.
      By the time Jo was 17 she was anorexic, in trouble at school, and abusing alcohol. She hid behind the leather jacket that she wore and a tough fa�ade. She was a survivor, and she'd fight anybody who got in her way. She didn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - or did she?

*******

      At the age of 8, an occult group in her neighborhood forced Jenni into actively participating in satanic worship and various ceremonies. Sexual orgies included men, women, other children and animals. She was forced to drink blood, and participate in the sacrificing of other children. Any hesitancy on her part would have meant her own death or those of the younger sisters that she was trying so hard to protect. Her will to survive kept her alive at the cost of many repeatedly horrifying experiences - the abuse so traumatic that she completely blocked this time period from her memory for years.
      Now as an adult woman, she is just beginning to remember these experiences. She suffers from nightmares, guilt, rage and sorrow. When her mind can no longer work on processing the emotions involved, her body remembers the torture and physical sensations that she was forced to endure as a child.
      Jenni's strong will to survive keeps her from succeeding at suicide despite numerous attempts, but she fears that she will be forever haunted by pictures of death and anguish. She fears that talking about the ritual abuse will expose her to more suffering at the hands of similar occultists. And she fears that she will never be able to have normal relationships with her friends and family because of the traumatic events of her childhood.

*******

      On the surface these five young women seem to have only a little in common. They did not know each other growing up. Their life experiences varied greatly, and each learned to cope with her life in her own way.
      In truth, they shared a great deal. They shared the same home, the same parents, the same brother and sisters. But, they didn't begin meeting one another until Jodi was 32 years old.
      For her the depression and confusion had led from one therapist to another, from one medication to another, from one hospital to another. Until finally the right therapist and the right diagnosis - Multiple Personality Disorder.

*******

      Yes, I am Megan. I am also Jodi, Maggie, Brenda, Jenni and Jo. There are many more names and many more personalities, many more painful and traumatic experiences. It has taken years of learning to communicate within to begin piecing the memories together. In the beginning, each personality only knew life as he or she had experienced it. They were completely unaware of the others who lived inside. Each personality had their own way of relating to the world around them, and each had completely different relationships with friends and family members. Indeed, some of the personalities were just as unaware of family members as the family was of them.

      My reason for sharing myself in this way is two-fold. First, I believe that if having to keep secrets can make a person sick, then letting go of those secrets can help the same person get well. Secondly, it is my fervent hope and prayer that by sharing my experiences with others, it will shed knowledge where there is misunderstanding, acceptance where there is fear, and hope where there is none.

      I also want to take this opportunity to clarify my relationship with my family. I want it understood that while it's true that I was abused as a child, it is also true that very little of the physical abuse I experienced came from within my home. My parents honestly did the best that they knew how to do, and I love them for this. Without them I would not have received the spiritual training that I did, and I truly believe that I survived my life because I gave it to Jesus at such a young age. Many people may ask how I can believe in a God that would allow such horrific things to happen to a child. My response is, "How can I not believe?" For it is surely through His grace that I did survive. As the well-known poem says, "it is when I look back on the worst times in my life that I see only one set of footprints, because it is then that He carried me."

      Brenda wrote the poem that you read at the top of this page titled "Rest In Peace," in December of 1987. This poem reveals the conflict between some of the personalities and the struggle that most experienced for their individual independence. Following is a poem written by Megan less than 2� years later that represents the healing and recovery that was taking place at that time. The poem was written for Elizabeth, a two-year-old that had never received the comfort and nurturing that every frightened child deserves.

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Elizabeth

Sweet child
     so frightened in the night.
Will you allow me to lift you
     and hold you tight?
You begin to relax as we sway to the song
      that I hum in your ear.
A kiss on the forehead
      and you snuggle near.
Together we carefully
      lay on your bed,
as I gently place
     your sleepy head.
Two protective arms
      create a nest,
as I feel the fall and rise
      of your little chest.
Soft, blonde hair curling around
      your little face,
lashes brushing your cheek -
      the most delicate lace.
Thank you, Elizabeth,
      for allowing me this moment
of hope and comfort
      that is heaven sent.
megan 3/90

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Praise be to the Lord, for He has heard my cry for Mercy!
     Psalm 28:6

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Please check back here often as I have lots of information
to upload and will be doing so a little at a time.

MPD -
Who and Why?

What Can I Expect?

DID/MPD... What's In A Name?

Personality Types

 

 

 

 

 

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