Self-help Books, by Mike Crowl from the Dunedin Star Midweeker, Dunedin, New Zealand

Columns by Mike Crowl, from the Dunedin Star Midweeker, Dunedin, New Zealand

SELF-HELP BOOKS

by Mike Crowl

When I read those self-help How-To books something curious happens. I agree all along the line with what the author says, but as for doing something about the problem, a lazy streak takes over and mumbles...some other time.
Only some How-To books, of course, demand a change in our lifestyle or character. The majority are in the How To Boil an egg and more, or How To repair electrical fuses and flexible cords safely, mode.
NZ Books in Print shows only 24 titles starting with How To. But the Dunedin Public Library's computer lists some 4000! Plainly there's a great deal of interest in teaching yourself How To do something - or at least a great deal of recognition by publishers that How To titles sell.
The variety is cosmic. How To be a space scientist in your own home, or How To Colonize. How To abandon ship, How To be an alien, and (really useful), How To count like a Martian. If physicists continue to redefine time and space and tell us that someday we'll start going backwards, it may be useful to read, How To avoid the future.
As a male I can learn How To be a real man, or a family man, or a gifted parent, or How To be king, or How To be popular with my pet. (For people with dogs, that should be How To be pupular.)
A modern woman can read How To be an assertive, not aggressive woman: a total guide to self-assertiveness in life, in love and on the job. Or else she can learn How To be chic, fabulous and live forever.
On the other hand she, or her husband, can learn How To clean everything (a book I think would have a very short life in all but the most particular households.) It may be better to read How To decorate a dump.
While we're on domesticity, we can learn How To cook a wolf - useful if we're travelling in North America - or How to deep-freeze a mammoth. (Something we may need if Nobel prizewinning scientists continue to produce genetic material from dead insects.) It may then be useful to read How To tell a proton from a crouton.
Gardeners, you can learn How To enjoy your weeds, How To make a cloud, a holepunch, (to make rain in the aforesaid cloud, no doubt), or How To make snop snappers and other fine things.
Motorists, you can learn How To be a motorist (!), How To avoid automobile accidents, and even How To get off speeding tickets.
In case someone has borrowed that book first, you may have to read How To hold up a bank, or alternatively, How To rob a bank without violence.
After that it may be worth reading How To survive your life, or if that's not so difficult, How To survive Christmas. At the worst, try How To eat a hotdog on the Main St of Thames.
If reading itself is a problem, you can tackle How To read a book. And if that's approaching the matter too broadly, try How To read a page. (If the worst comes to the worst, and neither of those is where you need to begin, there's always How To See.)
The scope is enormous: I can learn How To juggle, How To Spy, How To be poor, How To conquer Hitler - it seems a bit late for that - or How To banish cellulite forever. I can even learn How To be a Pom, which should useful with my in-laws.
Do you like to look on the negative side of life? Read How To make yourself miserable for the rest of the century. And if all this learning is too much for you, try How To do nothing with nobody all by yourself.

P S - All titles in this column are bona fide.

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