Crimes Against Richard Sharpe


(Source: Beanfan's Archives)


The series of undignified situations that Richard Sharpe must endure are far too numerous and significant to lump together in just one short description. The Crimes Against Richard Sharpe Chapter of the Sean Bean Salvation Society is devoted completely to the recounting and denunciation of the crimes sustained by Sharpe. Each description is organized by episode. There is also the small matter of the undignified Shako to be dealt with.



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Sharpe Episodes

1. Season One:  Sharpe's Rifles   Sharpe's Eagle

2. Season Two:  Sharpe's Company   Sharpe's Enemy   Sharpe's Honour

3. Season Three:  Sharpe's Gold   Sharpe's Battle   Sharpe's Sword

4. Season Four:  Sharpe's Regiment   Sharpe's Siege   Sharpe's Mission

5. Season Five:  Sharpe's Revenge   Sharpe's Justice   Sharpe's Waterloo

The First Season

Sharpe's Rifles (1993) - Sharpe did a good service for Wellington in saving his life, and that worthy turned around and promised him what would for all intents and purposes turn out to be a bad one. We are of course speaking of the field commission that set Sharpe apart from both private soldiers and fellow officers as a result of his lowly birth. The born gentlemen showed their disapproval through assigning him menial tasks while on march or shamefully tripping him from behind as he entered Wellington 's office. The Chosen Men dared to think that they could dictate to him what should be done, thinking that his lowly origins disqualified him as a receptacle for their respect. Patrick Harper even went so far as to brawl with his erstwhile Lieutenant, putting in a few hits that went way below the belt and beyond decency's sake. To top it all off, Sharpe had to walk around in a monk's robe, the hood of which garment refused to stay off his face and made him look very silly.

Shako Violations:  1 -- though we can make an exception in this case as he was standing far in the background and was consequently unnoticeable in his headgear


Sharpe's Eagle (1993) - An unfortunate product of Sharpe’s having started in the ranks is his relatively low affluence in comparison to that of his fellow officers, a fact which Lieutenants Gibbons and Berry happily pounced at the chance to rub in his face.  While those two puppies postured about, Sharpe was left to deal with the results of their incompetence and the cowardice of Sir Henry Simmerson.  Finally, Harper was at it again.  With the best of intentions this time, Harper attempted to shave an unwilling Sharpe in order to make him presentable when Major Hogan came around.  In the ensuing struggle to keep the shaving cream from adorning his face, Sharpe received a heaping mouthful of the stuff in his nose.

Shako Violations: 1

The Second Season

Sharpe's Company (1994) - With the arrival of the new Colonel and the properly blue blooded Captain Rhymer, Sharpe found his precarious Captain’s gazette was no longer valid.  The former commander of the Light Company found himself demoted to carrying out such menial and mind-numbing tasks as parading the Regimental wives and guarding the baggage trains, hardly the preferred action of someone who had single-handedly saved Wellesly’s life in Assaye and preserved his own skin by slithering through a chimney in Denmark (for more information, see Sharpe’s Triumph and Sharpe’s Prey by Bernard Cornwell).  His task was made even more insufferable by the interference of one twitching, schizophrenic sergeant by the name of Obadiah Hakeswill, who set about undermining the happy lives of the Chosen Men in a most slimy and blood pressure raising sort of way immediately upon his arrival.

Shako Violations: 3


Sharpe's Enemy (1994) - The now traitorous Hakeswill put Sharpe through hell in this episode what with killing Teresa and forcing the erstwhile Lady Farthingdale to disrobe for our hero.  This same courtesan-turned-nobility also took it into her head to bash Sharpe on the head and tantalize him into adultery when he nobly sallied forth to save her.  The Lady’s distinguished and officious officer of a husband accordingly attempted to shove his nose where it did not belong and teach Sharpe how to do his job as if the latter required such instruction.  Finally, in a terrific display of rocket science, Captain Gilliland managed to aim those same missiles at Sharpe more than was completely good for the heroic Major’s health.

Shako Violations: 1


Sharpe's Honour (1994) - To be charged with drunken rape by an adulterous woman he had never met is an impossible occurrence that Sharpe should be used to attracting by now, but one would have liked to see Major Mendora offer his challenge to a duel in a much more convincing manner.  He should have tried harder to look like he had slapped Sharpe across the face, his respect to Sean Bean not withstanding.  Sharpe further suffered the incompetent Lieutenant Trumper-Jones for a lawyer in his framed set-up of a trial.  Corrupt nuns lobbed various foodstuffs and victuals at him, including eggs, lettuce, and dead chickens, as he was delivering the Marquesa from their thieving hands at the convent, one of them going so far as to rush at him with a meat cleaver.  Freeing himself from their not so gentle ministrations, he fled on horse, which equine creature felt fit to stumble and dump Sharpe and the Marquesa in freezing cold water.

Shako Violations: 0

The Third Season

Sharpe's Gold (1995) - Here we meet the infamous Meowing Spaniard.  By this, we mean El Casco, a partisan leader with slight Aztec origins, the customs of which religion were rather barbaric to watch.  Other than having to watch his lady being cozened to in the tongue of a completely different animal, Sharpe also suffered the antics of the snotty Provost, Lieutenant Ayers, at whom Sharpe aimed his rifle in order to stop the hanging of his man.  The Provost-General saw to it that Sharpe suffered a stinging rebuke at the hands of General Wellington, who compounded the injury against the much insulted Major by making him apologize to Ayers.  Ayers spent the rest of the episode rubbing Sharpe’s face in the fact that he had had a better education, yet he showed no sign of learning to stay away from Sharpe’s more intransigent moods.  The waters were muddied even more by the arrival of what the good Major Sharpe dubbed “those bloody, ignorant, female fools.”  They present themselves in the persons of Mrs. Nugent and her daughter who are futilely searching for Captain Nugent.  Miss Nugent showed a shocking sense of improper acting and poorly overdone expression of grief opposite Mr. Bean’s first-rate performance, and the Society commiserates with all persons Irish who were forced to cringe through her repeated references to “Dada.”

Shako Violations: 0


Sharpe's Battle (1995) - We have another Officious Officer in this movie, a romantic fool who goes by the name Kiely, and fancies himself the next Achilles.  Again the Wife of the Officious Officer was throwing herself at the erstwhile Sharpe, in a tent scene where the lighting was not very complementary to Sharpe’s face, making it look shockingly twisted and deformed.  We also meet the great Wagon-Master General, the “effusive” Colonel Runciman, who very sincerely offered the backhanded compliment that Sharpe wasn’t “as stupid as he looks.”  Although the number of Shako Violations in this movie tie with Sharpe’s Company for the most at a total of three, these transgressions were of so long a duration, that they merited a mention among the other crimes in this movie.  If one were to calculate the amount of time in which a Shako Violation occurred versus the rest of the movie, one would find that Sharpe spent at least 30% of the movie, if not more, under the undignified shape of a Shako.

Shako Violations: 3 – see above


Sharpe's Sword (1995) - Hakeswill used to boast that he could not be killed, an observation that is more apropos to Sharpe as we find out in this episode where he nearly died in pursuit of Colonel Leroux.  Other than that one fearful instance, the crimes against Sharpe’s dignity take a most humorous turn.  This includes his having to endure Monroe ’s unschooled massacre of a bagpipe upon entering that worthy’s tent and then sitting on another one of those instruments that had been lying about, conveniently, on the chair opposite Monroe ’s desk.  Sharpe escaped this tonal torture chamber of terror, only to find himself standing smack dab in the middle of a premarital spat between Harper and Ramona with a pile of dirty laundry that they erroneously expected him to wash.  Luckily, Lass stepped in to save our – and her – hero’s dignity both in the matter of the laundry and in that of the bullet in his belly.  She could not unfortunately save Sharpe from becoming laundry himself.  While we are assured that it was very good for him, Sharpe (and Sean Bean) could not possibly have relished a cold water bath in what appeared to be the middle of fall.  Likewise, we suspect that Harper (and Daragh O’Malley) felt it was just grand.

Shako Violations: 1

The Fourth Season

Sharpe's Regiment (1996) - Sharpe was on important business in London, attempting to solve the Great Mystery of the Missing Military Regiment when the Prince of Wales decided to nose in on the action, literally.  No doubt, Sharpe tried harder and harder to blend in with his chair as Prinny outlined his and Sharpe’s heroic actions at Talevera to retrieve the Eagle, “every detail etched” in his brain, the repeated references to Sharpe as “Dick” only adding to the discomfort.  In pursuit of the Missing Military Regiment, Sharpe attempted to enlist Prinny’s help, but was shot down by Lord Fenner.  Attempting to find solace for this setback in the highly unphotogenic manhandling of Maggie Joyce, a drunken Sharpe was accosted by murderous miscreants who turned out to belong to the Missing Military Regiment after all. This gave him the brilliant idea that enlisting in the army all over again was the way to go about it.  Naturally, this leads to a whole bevy of Crimes, military life being what it is, but Sharpe was to find that life was unusually foul at Foulness.  His undercover work included much mucking about in mud, obnoxious and vocally assertive officers who thought they were quite something, Sir Henry Simmerson, and getting slashed across the face with a cane.  A desperate bid to escape the Foul Island of Death - one involving large amounts of mud, of course – also resulted in an Equine Crime in which the horse perpetrator actually stepped on Sean Bean in an unplanned moment of horsey inspiration.  Had this creature been a human, he would have been charged with Attempted Homicide and Vehicular Assault.

Total Headgear Violations: 11

Shako Violations: 9

Conscript “Chef’s” Hat Violations: 2


Sharpe's Siege (1996) - . . . or Attack of the Unworthy Females.  In this episode we see a surfeit of women who believe they merit Sharpe’s special attention.  The first is the hateful Jane who is bad enough to account for three, if not four, bad apples in and of herself.  Viewers watch on in horror as the two of them are joined in Holy Matrimony.  We pause to ask ourselves why a wedding not shown in Cornwell’s books made it to the screen, while the more palatable marriage to Theresa, described so lovingly in the books, was never depicted in the movies at all.  Whatever the case may be, Sharpe did not get a chance to enjoy the results of this travesty because he was immediately sent on a mission under the bumptious Colonel Bampfylde and the treacherous Marquis de Maquerre.  Here he meets Maquerre’s extremely histrionic and highly emotionally charged sister.  In a weak moment of compassion, Sharpe broke down and provided Catherine with a means to cure her mother.  In return, she attempted to show Sharpe her appreciation by offering herself to him in characteristic largess of drama.  One believes his resultant churlish rejection stems from a sense of self-preservation and neither from any chivalrous notions to protect her virtue nor for any monetary gain.

Shako Violations: 0


Sharpe's Mission (1996) - In this first episode that does not take any guidance from a novel by Bernard Cornwell, the Society found that Sharpe took on a more lighthearted tone.  He seemed quite playful in Wellington ’s camp, and even Ramona’s sour mood could not dampen his cheerful spirits.  Having said that, Sharpe felt that wetness was certainly called for when he discovered how shamefully he had maligned William Wordsworth and decided to plop his face into the conveniently close bowl on the washstand.  His efforts were in vain, for Jane had already gravitated to the intriguing Mr. Shellington, self-declared artist and poet, in order to fulfill her culture fetish.  She had the temerity, much to Sharpe’s horror, to invite the said Shellington and a nearby Colonel Brand to dinner, an actual social engagement!  Faced with the prospect of having his wife turn coats over a glass of sherry, Sharpe took immediate preventative action and did the best thing in his power: he assigned Harris to the task of keeping her where she belonged. Harris took to the assignment like a duck to water, quickly reaching an accord with Jane behind Sharpe's back as to his relative harmlessness. Harris went so far as to use the metaphor of the moth to the flame to assure the lady in question that Sharpe "is really not all that hot," which knowing Harris, was darn well meant to go both ways.

Shako Violations: 0

The Fifth Season **

Sharpe's Revenge (1997) - Peace was declared, the war was over, and Sharpe’s world disintegrated by little pieces.  Before victory was even a minute old, Colonel Wigram insulted Sharpe to within an inch of his life in a deliberate attempt to provoke a duel, which action earned the gallant colonel a sharp hit on both ends of the spectrum.  The fall-out from this little experience only heaped the grief on Sharpe’s shoulders as first, Jane left for England without him in the company of all his money and a widow to spend it with, and second, the combined majesty of the British and French governments bore down on him for stealing Napoleon’s treasure with which to console himself.  Wrongly blamed for Ducos’s crime and faced with the possibility of being shot, Sharpe felt that his best option was to speak with the one witness to these terrible misdeeds.  Instead of finding Colonel Maillot, Sharpe encountered that officer’s sister, who tried her very best to put him out of commission.  Despite the overwhelming odds against him, Sharpe lived on to help Lucille around the farm and chase chickens for his dinner, thereby cementing the bonds of love between the two of them.

Shako Violations: 0


Sharpe's Justice (1997) - Who do those workers think they are, claiming that Sharpe has betrayed them just because he was one of them and had managed to make something of himself out of his own hard work, dogged determination, and perseverance?  Just what was that insolent puppy George Wickham (perhaps the same unsavory individual from Pride and Prejudice?) thinking when he dared to challenge a killing machine like Sharpe to a duel?  What on earth possessed Lady Anne Camoynes to bring up Sharpe’s lack of training in the social arts?  How dare Jane Sharpe nee Gibbons, the daughter of a crofter and the niece of a confirmed coward, recognized throughout England for being a renowned adulteress, how dare that creature liken Sharpe to a vicious animal and an uncouth brute?  Where does Lord Rossendale’s mistress think she gets off, telling her husband something so base as "Your mother was a whore, you were born in the gutter and that is where you still belong!"  By the way, what led Hagman to believe that he would look distinguished in whiskers?  And where was Harris?

Shako Violations: 0


Sharpe's Waterloo (1997) - This then is the Attack of the Unworthy Men.  To wit, one Prince of Orange, heir to the throne of the Netherlands , graduate of Oxford and Eton , man about town, and all around selfish, conceited idiot.  Whom Wellington thought to benefit by placing Sharpe on the Prince’s staff is anyone’s guess, but this lapse in judgment on the part of the Duke left Sharpe in a most exasperating position.  The second unworthy foe, is of course Lord Rossendale, who shamefully wet his pants on being confronted by a vengeful Sharpe.  One would like to see an antagonist with more self-possession set against Sharpe.  Undercurrents of food indignities run through this installment as Sharpe, so engrossed in reading his map, allows food to fly through his lips, and Harper attempts to feed him some French meat of questionable species grilled in a cuirassier’s breastplate.

Shako Violations: 2




** In the interest of thoroughness, as Head Librarian, the Lady of the Bluff, begs leave to point out that these episode also contain a series of crimes against the dignity of one Wesley Windham-Pryce.  Those familiar with the Buffy/Angel universe will recognize the sweet countenance of the beloved Wesley within the adulterous visage of one Lord Rossendale.  Welsey and John are of course characters brought skillfully to life by Alexis Denisoff.  The Lady of the Bluff has been researching this subject most extensively within the library vaults, and she has come to the conclusion that the nineteenth century hairdo sported by Lord Rossendale is a grave affront to Wesley’s pride. **

Photo: The Sharpe Appreciation Society

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