Crimes Against Dignity

Alec Trevelyan (Goldeneye 1995) - He asked James for six minutes, but James decided to be clever and gave him half that. In Bond's defense we should say that he thought his friend would not survive, never suspecting that Alec was playing both sides of the coin. Nevertheless, the subsequent blast disfigured Alec's face quite horribly, taking away some of the dash and replacing it with some villainy. For this James Bond must pay, and he does so quite beautifully when Alec gets the better of him at the top of the extremely large satellite dish. James still has a few tricks up his sleeve, unfortunately, and he committed yet another crime against Alec's dignity by dangling him over the extremely large satellite dish in question by holding on to one of Alec's feet before deigning to drop him.

Alex Bailey (Inspector Morse: Absolute Conviction 1992) - Crime is of the essence here, and where Alex Bailey is concerned, he is positively steeped in larcenous doings. In jail for making free with other people's money, the crimes against Alex do not stop at the prison gate. He receives constant death threats from individuals who envy him his ill begotten wealth, as if anyone could ever fault someone as beleaguered and martyred as he. His own indifference towards his surroundings opens him up to even more foul play, the culprit having reached the highly subjective conclusion that Alex needed to die for laughing at him. As a result, Alex was sent to the hospital, during which transportation the oxygen mask caused a bout of nose bleeding to occur. Apparently, hospital personnel opted to sacrifice his dignity in the interest of his health because they never cleaned the pool of blood for him. Lastly, we are baffled and befuddled by Mrs. Bailey. It was quite distressing to see Alex married to someone who appeared to be a better candidate for his mother.

Andy McNab (Bravo Two Zero 1999) - Poor Andy. He was just a British soldier trying to get to the Syrian border and safety. He was captured just before he got there, and so ensued a heavy barrage of questioning. Some of the more salient highlights for the purposes of this site include his having to eat out of a bowl like a dog as well as having to clean out a privy while under the careful watch of a warbling prison guard who ordered Andy to get nice and dirty. Left with no choice, Andy had to pleasantly carry out the instructions for cleaning himself off afterwards. This is by far one of Sean Bean's best performances. (Author's note: The content of this movie stems from a real life experience, and it was not pretty. Far from trying to mock the travails of the protagonists, I am trying to refer to the events within the context of this site without trying to undermine the mens' integrity. It is NOT the intent to be disrespectful.)

Boromir (Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring 2001) - That hobbit kicked him! All Boromir was trying to do was save his own country from evil. Admitedly, he attempted to use a greater evil than the one that was threatening Gondor, but Frodo should have nevertheless been more sympathetic to the shins of this epic hero. Never mind that the fall engendered by Frodo's vicious attack knocked some sense back into Boromir. It only filled him with guilt and sent him to his death, robbing the the next two movies of Boromir's multifaceted, charming self.

Brendan (Stormy Monday 1988) - Coming soon!

Captain Rich (Flightplan 2005) SAVED! - This Society would like to extend its congratulations to Captain Rich for being the only character to date who has achieved a state of Salvation. Despite the shenanigans occuring on board his flight through the determined efforts of both Kyle Pratt and her supposed persecutor, Captain Rich maintained control of the situation with dignity and grace. Even when events went beyond his control, Captain Rich kept up an air of poise and authority that inspired confidence in the people around him. This carries him through the end of the movie where he retires with his customary nobility to his next flight. Well done, Captain Rich!

Count Vronsky (Anna Karenina 1997) - He came; he saw Anna; and he conquered . . . for a little while. Things began to unravel when Anna got sick, and Karenin whisked by our concered hero as if he was so much fluff. He left Vronksy to contemplate the doorway while the love of his life rolled away in a carriage beside her husband. Vronsky didn't even have the presence of mind to be outraged at the cut direct Karenin had just given him.

Cowboy (The Big Empty 2003) - Properly mysterious, slightly quirky and looking terribly dashing in his black cowboy attire - complete with spurs, wide leather belt, long duster, and hat pulled low over his eyes - Cowboy embodies the entire enigma of the movie. All the inhabitants of Baker, California are properly cowed by that certain sinister and otherworldly quality about him. For all the intimidation that Cowboy seems to illicit in the villagers, the protagonist's repeated failures to be there when Cowboy was leaves viewers in breathless anticipation of his arrival which, when it finally occurs, is all too brief and involves the driving of an insectile RV. Unfortunately Cowboy got lost somewhere in Sheffield . While listening to him speak in that melodious way of his was a pleasure as always, when it came to delivering such typical cowboyisms as "Pahd-ner" and "Giddap," they seemed terribly out of place in a Yorkshire accent. One wonders, from the disgraceful distortion of his neck as Cowboy treats viewers to a hint of his true nature upon signaling his brethren, whether this may be the cause of his linguistic faux-pas.

Dominic O'Brien (The Fifteen Streets 1989) - Dominic underwent a series of undignified situations, where the most unfortunate was "wearing breeches the cut of which would provoke a saint to indignation" (to borrow a phrase from The Triumph of the Scarlet Pimpernel). In addition, his elder brother treated him to such a drubbing that his mother and drowned sister conspired together to successfully spirit away the near-dead Dominic to safety in America. The final straw came when viewers were treated to a rather detailed and intimate view of Dominic cutting his toenails causing many ladies to swoon at such vulgar familiarity. As Beanfan quite rightly states, no one should undergo such a crime, even in the name of reality.

Esau (Jacob 1994) - The Author would like to begin this segment by expressing a deep respect for the subject material of this movie and appreciation for its import and gravity. As with Andy McNab's segment, the following is meant as a clever commentary upon Mr. Bean's performance and does not reflect real views about the figures represented in the movie. On that note, something must be said about the trails and trevails suffered by older siblings through the loving offices of their younger siblings. If nothing else, this story shows that all through time, the Esaus of any family are doomed to lose their stuff to the the Jacobs, be the less fair to look upon, and suffer the displeasure of at least one parent. Being brothers, though, Esau and Jacob did share the lamentable fashions of the time period, a one-shouldered affair that was hardly flattering to anyone's physique.

Farmer Grey (Black Beauty 1994) - While he does indeed acquit himself very nobly and while Black Beauty does not feel the inclination to kick or harm him in any way, Farmer Grey just doesn't get enough screen time. No matter that every segment in Black Beauty's life gets an equal amount of ten minutes devoted to its telling. True Sean Bean fans are nevertheless devasted at the disproportionate amount of horseflesh to Farmer Grey.

Ian Howe (National Treasure 2004) - It may appear as a cut and dry case of good versus evil, but allow us to make an argument for ambiguity. The poor man gets shoved into the role of the bad guy when the good guy, an American, rightly objects to his plan to steal the Declaration of Independence out of a sense of patriotism. The good guy instead steals both the plan and the Declaration. One would think that the former partners would put aside their disagreement and continue to work together since the good guy essentially followed Howe's suggestion, but lamentably they do not. As a final insult, Howe's British descent is thrown in his face when Benjamin Gates sends him under false pretenses to Boston's Old North Church, the infamous starting point of Paul Revere's ride, resulting in Howe's arrest despite the fact that he did not steal the Declaration at all.

Jason Locke (Essex Boys 2000) - He was thoroughly despicable and more likely to conduct a crime than to have one committed against him, but humiliate him they have. The entire movie is nothing more than the disintegration of his control over the events around him. By the end the viewer discovers that Jason was just a pawn, a convenient showpiece that his wife chose to discard at will and that Jason was just too self-centered to see it. This makes one wonder whether Jason was his own destroyer. It was really wrong of him to project an image of competent and self-respecting thief-lord on a vendetta when he really had no idea what was going on.

Neil Byrne (Extremely Dangerous 1999) - The man used to be at the top of the heap. He had a lovely family, wealth beyond compare, and for him, a rewarding job as a governmental spy into organized crime. And somebody took it away from him. Having been framed for the brutal murder of wife and daughter, Byrne was convicted and sent to prison, forced to endure many yards of chains about his person in order to ensure that he does not escape. Well, escape he did in a manner worthy of the Great Houdini himself, give or take the odd muddy hill in the way. Operating incognito to avoid the unwelcome attentions of the police and his enemies, Byrne's innocuous job as a cab driver appears not quite what it's cracked up to be. The poor man found himself on the lookout for propespective fares turned out in full parrot regalia and characters like Mad Tina whose mode of business was somewhat unique. It's just not fair.

Odysseus (Troy 2004) - The President of this Society is infamous for the dislike harbored towards this movie. Indeed, one could spend eons explaining how it failed to live up to the glory of The Iliad, but that is neither here nor there. One was hoping to pin this on the fact that Odysseus was not credited with the idea of the Trojan Horse, which necessitated another viewing of the film and the discovery that Odysseus is in fact shown to have conceived of the Horse. It also portrays this wiliest and most resourceful of Kings as an unfortunate recepient of the wrath of both Achilles and Agamemnon. He was reduced to a mere go between to these two opposing forces. To complete his status as a servant, the two of them had the temerity to die in the wrong place at the wrong time thus leaving Odysseus to clean up their mess for them. The President of this Society stands in awe of Mr. Bean and certain of his fellow actors for skillfully bringing some validity to an otherwise difficult project.

Oliver Mellors (Lady Chatterley 1993) - His life as the gamekeeper at the Chatterley estate was quite simple and uncomplicated before Lady Constance came into the picture. Pushed initially into the romance by her husband, Lady Chatterley found love. There was plenty Mellors put up with for the sake of love including yet another beating, this time by his ex-wife's brother, flowers in his hair, having to push Sir Clifford around in that motorized wheel chair that goes nowhere, and dealing with Mrs. Bolton, the Nurse That Needs to Die. He suffers an even greater indignity at the hands of Sir Clifford when the latter attempted to illustrate the class barrier between them and gave an execrable impression of Mellors's mellifluous vernacular accent. The embarrassment generated by these numerous humilations is eradicated by the look of pure, transcendent joy that lights up his face when he discovers Connie on the boat with him.

Patrick Koster (Don't Say a Word 2001) - Patrick suffered a serious crime at the hands of his erstwhile colleague who doublecrossed him at the crime scene. Substituting the ruby they were after with a bracelet, Patrick's partner in crime got away with the loot and left Patrick to be reeled in by the cops. This was not made any easier to digest by the fact that Patrick's hair appeared to be suffering from a lack of good styling at the time. If that criminal had not been so greedy, both he and Patrick would still be alive now and living in the lap of luxury from the pay off derived from their stolen loot.

Ranuccio Thomasoni (Caravaggio 1986) - As this is a movie that seemed to raise more questions than explanations, it also followed that the crime was equally difficult to decipher. What was going through the mind of this highly sought after street rat when he suddenly found himself under the romantic radar of world class painter Michele de Caravaggio? Those coins that Caravaggio kept throwing to him in the first sitting certainly seemed to serve a double purpose in that they stood as Ranuccio's fee for his services, and they distorted his mouth most horribly. Viewers found themselves wondering just when was it going to end? How many coins can he really fit in there? How much worse was his mouth going to look before it was over? What was the point?

Richard Sharpe (14 Sharpe Episodes 1993-1997) - If we were to list every possible indignity offered to the long-suffering Sharpe by all the officious officers in his career, we would need to create a new site completely. From overstuffed windbags to self important popinjays to twitching, schizophrenic Sergeants to tar-moustached Colonels to meowing Spaniards, Sharpe has weathered it all. Members of the animal kingdom also have their say. Those of the equine race felt it necessary to dump him into the middle of a stream or step on him when he was hiding in one, while in other instances chickens were thrown at him or he was lauching himself at them! The one that takes the cake comes from the Prince of Wales himself who had the unmitigated gall to refer to Sharpe as Dick. Only his close friends Tom Garrard and Maggie Joyce reserve the right to call our dear rogue Dick Sharpe, and Prinny should not have presumed to count himself among their august company. Crimes against Sharpe

Sean Miller (Patriot Games 1992) - The greatest disgrace tendered to this fellow was the cutting of his long, beautiful hair. All those lovely shoulder length locks, shorn off in sacrifice to the demands of army life. Sean (Miller), as well as Tadgh McCabe, also holds the dubious honor of actually committing Crimes Against Dignity. Despite his skilled handling of most other accents, it is upsetting to note that the Irish accent just doesn't come trippingly off the tongue of one Mr. Sean Bean as one can note whenever his voice acquires a brittle edge. Perhaps it was this justification that stood behind the decision to give these two very small speaking parts, which in and of itself leads to yet another crime against their dignity.

Spence (Ronin 1998) - His heart really was in the right place, and all he lacked was a little bit of experience plus a tad of self-confidence and perhaps some guts. Robert DeNiro really should have been more gentle in his attempt to dissuade Spence from the mission instead of yelling at him and intimidating him into backing himself onto a mug of hot coffee. As we are a benevolent Society to our core, Mr. DeNiro need not fear any retaliation against his character's manhandling of our hero. Besides, we recognize the necessity of getting Spence to be quiet once in a while in order to prevent an onset of foot-in-mouth disease.

Tadgh McCabe (The Field 1990) - Tadgh's father was always trying to make a man out of him, never dreaming that Tadgh didn't want what his father wanted for him. To those ends, he maneuvered Tadgh into dancing with a plain, unremarkable individual, forcing him to spin her ever faster until he lost control and sent her tumbling onto the floor in an undignified heap in front of the whole town. He was then served up two beatings, one from his American victim and the second from his father for allowing himself to be bested by the American. No wonder he treated the audience to those priceless glares and sullen glances, especially during the square dance.

In Memoriam		Crimes Against Richard Sharpe		Mr. Bean's Inner Beethoven
	Home		Members	Links