23 July 1993 - Friday morning
I've been letting my emotions get the better of me. Sir Edmund's memo put me in a bad mood and Maggie's game did little to help. I ended up making a real "bokkelul" of myself about the fax machine and that damned package. I don't think anyone's escaped my childish pique. Sometimes I wish I had the sort of temper that just blew up and got it over. No, too much self-control for that unless I'm pushed to extremes. So, instead I snipe - nasty, little barbs about petty things aimed at whomever happens to be handy. All I do is debase myself with that sort of foolishness. Apologies and thanks are in order.
I must handle Nick more carefully. How can he respect someone who throws temper tantrums like a spoiled child? No, a steadiness is needed there - he is the soldier, I am the officer. I must think along those lines.
I still sense something. I'll call it resentment for lack of a better word. He's been co-operative enough, when it pleases him. He's always polite and civil with me, but draws a sort of vague line to let me know that he's not at my beck and call. But now there's something else - an anxiety I've not felt before. It's almost like a pent up volcano threatening to erupt. Should I take the gloves off and begin to push him - perhaps force the volcano to explode? Should we have it out in the open? How should I do it? Should I simply let him know that he's not a houseguest? Should I do it in such a way as to undercut his pride - let him know that the bail money was not a "gift"? Let him know that he owes me? That would be the easy way to uncork the bottle, but I fear it would lead to wounds that might not be mended. I'm very good at that when I wish or when my mouth outpaces my brain.
I don't know how to proceed. What if I push too hard? I need to think. In the meantime - get a grip on it, Rayne! Maggie's just being Maggie, which you knew she would, and Sir Edmund pricked your ego - that's all. How dare he see through your clever plan! Scheisse! You're not the only one on the planet with a high IQ. It's not as though my pride hasn't been cut down to size before - way down to size, in fact.
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