It's Thanksgiving Day today, but I don't see much to be thankful for. Everyone is so sad. Alex is staying with us, but she's so unhappy. She'll be fine one minute, then in tears the next. Mom tries to help her, but then Mom starts crying too. I haven't seen Nick since before Derek died. He just doesn't come here. He won't leave the island. Mom and Alex went over there early this morning to try to get him to come to dinner tonight, but they said he wouldn't come.
I was going to make my first pumpkin pie all by myself this year, but I didn't feel like it. I told Mom that I don't think I want a Christmas tree this year either. I don't want any decorations. Last year Derek gave me a musical snow globe with the castle inside. You can see the Christmas tree through the window and there are lights all over outside. We put it on the mantle. I don't want to see it - I don't want to touch it. I think I'm afraid to touch it. I know that whenever I look at it or hear it at that I'll imagine Derek inside there playing the piano - trapped. Mom says maybe we'll go away. Maybe Alex will come too, but I don't really want to go anywhere either. I feel really sad, too, but I haven't cried yet. The tears just aren't there. I don't know why. I always cry.
So, instead of having dinner here, like we planned. Mom thought it might be nice if we helped out somewhere. She thought we might feel better if we helped other people who had bigger problems than we do. So we took all the groceries we had stored up and went over to the Salvation Army place in the Tenderloin. It wasn't a very nice place. It was very, very crowded, kind of hot and stinky. Some of the people acted really strange and some were dirty, but there were also quite a few kids. I felt sorry for them. They didn't have any place else to go for dinner. I gave one little girl my barrette to keep her hair out of her face while she ate. For some reason Alex started crying and we had to come home. We ended up eating peanut butter sandwiches for dinner.
I wish I understood what happened. I don't know why Derek had to die. Mom won't really talk about it. She just says it was an accident and that the house burned down, that God wanted Derek, but I've seen the news pictures. She tried to keep the TV off so Alex and I wouldn't see the news, but I saw. It must have been awful to die like that. I tried to ask God why he took Derek that way, but God doesn't answer. Mom says I need to listen harder, but it just doesn't seem right. Just like God taking Daddy and Connor wasn't right. Why does God do bad things that hurt so many people? They let Him off with "God's will." But why is it God's will? I think they don't want to think about it.
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