It's lunch and it's yucky - just gross. Mom was in a hurry this morning so she just gave me lunch money instead of fixing it. I told her I'd rather have a tuna sandwich than the stuff the cafeteria has on Mondays. They call it Pasta Surprise. It's a surprise all right and we never can find the pasta. I think it just turns to mush and they sprinkle some junk on it and hope no one will notice. It does have a use though. It makes great glue. So I'll just skip it and write instead.
I went to Angel Island with Mom and Alex on Sat. I went up to the house by myself. Mom wasn't sure I should go alone, but I had to. I wanted to listen to the way the house feels. I don't know how to explain it. I felt bad stuff - scary stuff - I heard an awful sound, like everybody in the world screamed all at once.
I don't know why Alex hasn't "seen" something - maybe she's too scared, or just isn't saying. I tried to "see" what happened, but I don't know how to make it work good enough yet. I will someday. I thought I'd feel what I felt when Mom and I went to the place where Daddy had the wreck. I could feel a little piece of Daddy there and Connor too. There isn't really a word for it. I guess I could feel their surprise and fear, but it wasn't the same as what you feel when you feel it from someone alive. It was more like an echo that you don't hear with your ears, but I was pretty little then. But at the house, I couldn't feel Derek at all. I was disappointed, I thought I would and that maybe I'd know what they aren't telling me. He must be dead. They wouldn't have a funeral if he wasn't and everybody wouldn't be so sad.
Everyone's so broken - Nick and Alex are like these big, black holes. I expected Philip to come, but he hasn't yet, but Mom says that priest guy that came Fri. told her that Philip would come for the funeral on Sunday.
I don't understand why everybody is saying such awful things about Derek. Derek wouldn't do anything like what they are saying. They are the bad people. One guy tried to take a picture of me in my bedroom when I was getting ready for bed. I was so scared and Mom and Alex were real mad. They called the police and Mr. Royce came. Mom likes him. If I hadn't promised not to, I'd start casting spells again. Everyone who said something bad about Derek - I'd make them choke on their own tongues or maybe only talk backwards. I could do it, too. But a promise is a promise.
I know what I will do though. I am going to make sure that Nick stays to become precept. I'll make Alex stay to help him until I'm old enough and know enough. Then one day, Nick can become Ruling Precept and I'll be precept on Angel Island and I'll make them take it all back. By this cross that Derek gave me, I swear.
It's funny. I feel him when I touch the cross, but I don't know what I'm feeling. It's different than anything I've ever felt before. It's almost like I can feel the cross breathe or I feel a heartbeat in it. It's really weird. I'm not sure I like it, but it's Derek's talisment. I don't think that's right - talisman? How am I ever going to get all these things I feel sorted out and know what they mean? I'm not sure Alex ever has. I wonder if Derek did. He said to go see Ingrid, but I need to do it without Mom or Alex. I wonder if nun's like her can talk on the phone. Maybe I'll tell Mom lunch was so good today that I want to buy lunch tomorrow too. Today's money and tomorrow's ought to be enough call Ingrid. Somehow I need to ask Mom or Alex the name of her convent tonight and not have them catch on. I'll have to think on that.
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