Monday, Dec. 6, 1999 - 1pm
Fr. Thomas visited the other day to bring by a few personal items for Alex. They had found LaBelle's locket, a snow globe, and, of all things, a stuffed toy in the rubble. She nearly broke down when she saw that filthy stuffed tiger. I'm so happy that she's gotten these few little pieces of her past back. He suggested that we go away until the service on Sunday, but we'll ride it out. We all agreed that to go into hiding might fuel the flames. So we'll try to continue as normally as possible. I think Kat has been having it a bit rough at school, but she says she's not a baby and can handle it.
In all likelihood this will be my last Legacy entry for quite some time. I need to back away and get some perspective on my life and to concentrate for a while on my practice. I've let it slide way too much - almost to the point of extinction.
While Fr. Thomas was here we discussed my future with the Legacy. He said he saw no reason why the Ruling Council should not happily grant me a leave of absence. Later, once the new SF House is completed and functioning, my status can be re-evaluated. Until then LA will be taking most of the caseload anyway. They are being given a larger staff and will open an annex over in Berkeley. We'll see - if I do choose to return to the Legacy, it will be on my own terms - perhaps as a consultant, rather than as an active member.
In the meantime, I need to update my education. There are so many strides being made in linking the mind and body - how clinical depression affects heart disease and bone loss, the roll of hormonal surges in panic attacks, aggression, phobias, etc. - all very chemical, rather than psychological. It's all new and I am feeling very behind the times in my own field of medicine. I have to wonder if a "gifted" mind such as Derek's or Kat's or anyone with strong psi-talent, when hit with a hormonal surge of sufficient strength, might produce these effects that we call "demons" - even to the extent of giving them a physical existence. Perhaps they are demons of the mind made real by some physical hormonal/chemical process we don't yet recognize.
Mostly, however, I need more time to be a mom to Kat. We need each other very much at the moment. She's being so closed about all of this. When we visited Nick Saturday, she went up to the house - alone. I wasn't sure she should go by herself, but she insisted. "Mom, I am not a baby!" has become her favorite phrase. In a way, I think she was both searching and saying good-bye to the house, the island, and the man whose presence dominated all.
She's getting into those most difficult years of all. She'll need help with that, and with her "talents". Derek could have been a great help. I sensed a common bond there - an odd one between girl & middle-aged man - in the "Sight" and in the music, but I never went out of my way to encourage a mentor relationship. He was Alex's mentor & he mentored her right into the Legacy. He was a double-edged sword - on one side, all that knowledge and ability - a natural-born teacher - and on the other side, a charming Cagliostro, totally devoted to his cause, who would lure into the Legacy's battle anyone he thought held promise. I think Derek understood my reluctance concerning Kat. He never intruded. I wish I felt there was a way for her to learn about her talent, to marshal it, and yet not be enticed into these dangerous, false worlds.
I'd like to have killed that bastard with the camera - gave her a terrible fright. She's grown up a lot. I started to explain to her that we are only the flavor of the moment, but she actually explained it all to me. In more depth than what I had planned on saying to her. God - I forget that in a few years she'll be in college. Connor would have been in high school now.
I keep thinking about David too. He's been here for us. When that idiot climbed on the roof, he came with the patrol car and used his pull to get one stationed in front of the house for a few days. Perhaps we can explore our relationship more easily without the complications the Legacy always seemed to provide. I like him. I like him a lot. He's been married before - back when he was still in uniform. His wife couldn't stand the pressure of being married to a cop. The split was amicable. She's since remarried to a lawyer and lives near San Diego.
It's funny - he's a lot like Derek in many ways, but that barrier isn't there - that wall of secrecy - those places within that were off limits - that need to control. I sense the same honor, courage, goodness, and loyalty in David Royce. I just noticed - another D.R. But it's without Derek's baggage. He reminds me a bit of Patrick too - same easy laugh - same playful humor once he relaxes. It's almost like he's a cross between Patrick and Derek. I think he could make a good father too. He likes Kat and Kat seems to like him. Maybe he could give us both an anchorage in the real world - a safe harbor. He has a solidity about him that might be just the thing Kat needs. Perhaps, David is what I need. Maybe he's our way to break free of the Legacy's world.
I'm urging Alex to go to Paris. She needs the distance too. She needs the space to grow. Always being at Derek's beckon call stifled her own potential, and that torch she carried for him prevented her from truly seeking another relationship. She would reach out, but always pull back when it threatened to infringe upon her relationship with Derek, such as it was. Now she can free herself of that, but I think it will be much harder to do here. Too many memories. Paris is the "city of love." It could be just what she needs.
I don't know about Nick. He seems to have inherited Derek's walls as well as that ring, which he now wears around his neck. He won't say two words about what he's feeling or planning. There's a lot of anger there, but I don't know which way it will explode when it finally reaches its boiling point. He's angry with Derek, I think, for going it alone. Angry with himself for letting Derek trick him. Angry with the Legacy for keeping their secrets and allowing Derek's reputation to be dragged through the mud. Angry with Alex for not having "seen". Angry with Philip for not being here. I wonder what he's angry with me about? But I also sense an inner strength that's growing, and growing quickly. We may be witnessing a transformation from follower to leader.
I've called Barbara and Ingrid. They seem fine, but then they are Raynes and "one would expect no less". Barbara has her breeding and heritage in which to bury her pain and Ingrid has her faith. I hope that it's enough.
It will be a relief to see Sunday passed and gone. I can't believe it will have only been a month. So much has happened that it seems like an eternity. I wonder - will it be my farewell not only to Derek Rayne, but to the Legacy as well? At this moment, I think so, but time will tell.
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