Damn you, Derek Rayne! You arrogant son-of-a-bitch! I've been crying for weeks
and today, after that letter of yours, I ended up on the floor of the shower, sobbing
till I couldn't breathe. More tears from me going down the drain than water from the
spigot. Then all of a sudden the tears were gone - I was cried out & pure,
unmitigated rage took its place.
You Dutch bastard! How dare you pretend to know what I wanted... to presume
that I wanted a family more than I wanted field work. If I was capable at my job,
that should have been my decision, not yours. You locked yourself inside that
damned shell of yours because you were my teacher and precept... any other
behavior would have been inappropriate? Hog slop! My decision! I was well
beyond the age of majority when we met... not some teenaged freshman with a
crush. Why couldn't you have tried... just tried to see if it could have worked
between us? But no! - God almighty Derek Rayne had to make all these "kind,
honorable" decisions FOR me. Now you even dare to match make! You're still trying
to tell me what to do - school, degree, teach, travel, learn more about my "sight". I
already know about my "sight," thank you very much. Find someone? I did find
someone! You paternalistic, male, chauvinist son-of-a-bitch.
Then you opened up... finally let me see a tiny bit into your heart... you had the gall
to give me the "parting gift" of a kiss... just because it was safe. You were saying
good-bye, so it was OK to tell "dear" Alex, "Oh, by the way, I cared for you
deeply." You write that letter to me & that goddamned poem about your freekin' destiny.
"Oh... if only Fate had decreed!" You're dead and you're safe. I think you went out of
your way to lay not a guilt trip, but a grief trip on me.
Bull shit! It was OK because you planned all along to walk into that
damned house & commit suicidal martyrdom. Why? Damn you! You chose to stay.
I feel it in my bones. The explosives were on a timer. You could have come out, but
you chose to die with that God forsaken house. I hate you for it. God help me - I'll
hate you till the day I die for what might have been, but YOU never gave the chance
to be.
