11/30 - Tues. morning
I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. I even tried to get myself drunk, but all I got was sick. Spent most of the time between 3 & 5 offering up my sacrifice to the porcelain god. Hope I didn't keep everyone awake, but I don't think they got much sleep either. I think Kat slept with Rachel. Those letters shook everyone up too much - gave us all a lot to think about.
After my tirade, I got to thinking. If only I'd said all that to Derek's face, maybe the wall would have crumbled, or maybe he'd have tossed me out on my ear and built it even higher and stronger. At least we would have known where we stood. I guess 3/4 of life is lost chances, ones we overlook or are afraid to take. If I was afraid of upsetting the apple cart, was he? As I reread that letter, I think so. He worried about decisions we might be forced to make & evidently he couldn't see any good that could come from any of them. Did I expect too much of Derek? Did we all? Was he forced his whole life to live up to others' expectations of him? Perhaps, his own expectations of himself were the hardest. All we wanted to see was that master manipulator who was willing to meet Satan head on. That was the man we saw at the very end. No matter how angry or used we might have sometimes felt, he was our rock, our port in a storm. We depended on him to be that and he knew it. But he wasn't a rock, was he? He was a human being with fears and doubts and weaknesses that he could never let us really see. I guess that's why he went to Dr. Goddard and not Rachel.
I have to wonder about Megan, why her? What did she have that I didn't? She wasn't a part of his "family," his team, that's what. He could show her a little of his soul, and not fear that it would lessen her confidence in him. Plus, she was a little dangerous. Was it a case of a moth drawn to dance on the edge of the flame? He said he wished he had told her that he loved her. Was that a regret because she died? Would that have been his "parting gift" to her, like my kiss was to me? Did he know back then? Or would he have begun to push her away, as I suspect he's done before - once they've seen too much of his soul, or gotten too close - to the point where his heart began to feel something more? Did he push Alicia Summers into Hitchcock's arms? That photo - you could see it in her eyes. She was in love with Derek. Did he dawdle so long with Serena that she ended up with Spencer Croft? Was that what he had in mind with his mention of Royce?
Did none of them try? Were they all like me - chicken shit - hoping and waiting,
afraid to confront him for fear of driving him away? Then giving up, when they
realized he would never come round, so they ended up with the best friend. There's
a change. Usually the hero gets the girl and the best friend kisses the horse, but with
Derek, the best friend got the girl and the hero got the Legacy. God forgive me. I
should have let him have it with both barrels. I should have said all that and more to
his face and I should have sealed it with a kiss he never would have forgotten. Even
if he had turned around and walked away, he wouldn't have forgotten.
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