| Things I'm Not Insane Enough To Do |
| 1) Try and buy an ice cream from an ice cream van that is driving down the motorway. |
| 2) Paint a door on a wall with "Fire Exit" painted above it, in a crowded indoor place. |
| 3) Yell out "Hey, You!" in a public place and see how many people respond. |
| 4) Drop to the ground in a public place, claiming I have lost a contact lens. To see how many people will drop down and help me look for it, who will, in turn, disrupt other people just trying to walk past. |
| 5) Act conspicously at an airport. |
| 6) Point a laser pen at a government figure while he is giving a speech. |
| 7) Hit a racist comedian repeatedly with a frying pan, saying "Don't take it seriously, it's only slapstick"; or "Why are you protesting? I don't mean to hurt you, I'm being ironic". |
| 8) Try to knock points off the stock market by spreading rumours around the city. |
| 9) Spray graffiti messages around town saying stuff like "PC Smith is cool"; "Coppers rock!" and "The police are not institutionally racist". |
| 10) Give a begger a gift voucher for an electronics store. |
| 11) Go into a library and creep around behind people, subtly giving away the ending of the book they are reading. |
| 12) Lie down in front of people about to mow their lawn, protesting that it's destruction of the environment, and that plants are living things, too. |
| 13) Throw a sandwich out of a plane in flight to see if it makes a six-foot hole in the ground. |
| 14) Throw a piece of toast from the Empire State building to see if it lands butter side down. |
| 15) Walk into a random church where there is a wedding happening, and announce that the bride is already married. Then, when she turns around, pretend to 'realise' your mistake and say "Oh, sorry, wrong church." |
| 16) Go into a movie theatre, disguise myself as a seat, and let people sit on me. Then, during a tense moment during a horror film, suddenly grab them. |
| 17) Steal the 'M' from a McDonald's restaurant, turn it upside down, and stick it on a Wimpy restaurant. |
| 18) Find a book that has quotes or poems in labelled "Anon". Ring up the publishers of the book, and claim that the quote/poem labelled "Anon" was made by me, and request that any printing of the quote/poem has my name replace the "Anon" tag. |
| 19) Go through a drive-thru on foot. |
| 20) Attempt to sneak into a government building, using a large cardboard box. |
| 21) Phone Lady Victoria Harvey to invite her to the opening of an envelope. |
| 22) Train myself to dodge bullets or deflect bullets with a sword, then go around chopping the arms off gunmen, and advising against landmines. |
| 23) Ride into school on a donkey. |
| 24) Even better, ride into school on an elephant. |
| 25) Name a hill in Wales after Player-Manager. |
| 26) Ride into school on a rickshaw. |
| 27) In the unlikely event of Jesus' second coming, go up to his toilet after he's just had a crap and say "Holy Shit! It's holy shit!" |
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| 28) During school assembly, sneak around, sedating everyone individually. |
| 29) Give Mr. Braakenburg a wah-fer thin mint. |
| 30) Walk into a church, then shout: "The Force is strong with this one..." |
| 31) Leave signs everywhere saying: "WARNING! Dry Paint" |
| 32) Ask out a girl in the middle of a sentance and then pretend nothing happened. |
| 33) Hide in a box in my form room, then when my name is called out in the register, jump out of the box, saying the immortal insincere phrase "Hiya!" Then give the excuse that my horoscope said I had to greet someone with unusual happiness. |
| 34) Hide everything in the Physics room. |
| 35) Or, alternatively, put everything in the Physics room in jelly. |
| 36) Volunteer to give a reading at mass, the suddenly develop the coprolalia from of Tourette's Syndrome. |
| 37) Start a shop for cleaning metal, and atract customers into the shop by having a giant magnet in the store. |
| 38) Grab a blind person and shout "Watch out! You're about to fall into a hole!" |
| 39) Underline titles, not with a line, but with "WATERLOO PLATOON". i.e.: |
| Physics Coursework Thesis: Quarks and Anti-quarks |
| W A T E R L O O P L A T O O N |
| 40) Move house buy posting each individual brick, by mail, to the new address. |
| 41) Phone children's TV show for one of those live phone competitions, which have a coin toss at the start: i.e: SMTV's Eat My Goal. When asked if I want heads or tails, say "I want head." |
| 42) Go into a chat room and start cyber sex with someone, but say really romantic things like "we walked together along a moonlight beach..." and end it with "and I walked you back to your house, gave you a polite kiss and said goodnight and went home." |
| 43) Alternatively, say stuff like "we went out for a meal, the food was awful and the service was worse, we walked off afterwards, barely saying goodbye and i went and had a wank." |