Several weeks ago I was told by my wife that "she has feels no love for me and is just empty inside."  Although devastated and feeling nausea, I controlled my feelings and tried to assure her that I loved her deeply and always would. I also apologized from the bottom of my heart if I was responsible in any way.
Since then, other than prompting from me, I am seldom acknowledged unless it relates to issues involving our children's activities.

<large snip of material outlining family circumstances which have been difficult.>

My questions are:

• Are chemical changes in my wife's body preventing us from working through this?
• Can menopause contribute to such a painful situation?
• Should I speak with her doctor?
• What is the feeling 'NOTHING' ?
• Can someone offer advice?

        You listed so much stress and challenges in your lives prior to this that there must also be an element of just plain burnout and shell shock and depression which can also cause a very flat feeling. It has been said that menopause (remember the phrase "change of life?") is the time to work on unfinished business and that the lid comes off of long buried issues. You might want to read Gail Sheehy's later book "New Passages: Mapping Your life Across Time" to get some reflections about the 'flaming fifties." She says it is the time go from the  pits to the peaks, along with a meaning crisis and a mortality crisis before going on to the "serene sixties." (Caution about her hormone advice as her facts are outdated and inaccurate.) 

        Also there is a book called "Transformations Through Menopause" by Marian McCain that describes one woman's feelings about the cocoon she found herself wanting to retreat into during this time. So this is a common experience when women start talking about it. We also have a story called the "Men-o-Pause Cave" on this site which also talks about this journey that a woman needs to take alone, by herself at this time. 

        Part of the problem is that menopause has been looked at primarily as a medical problem and the mystery of it is no longer in common knowledge among women. This leads to a lot of fear, hurt and confusion about not being prepared for many of the changes in store at this important transition time of our lives.  Particularly when there is the current superwoman ideal still floating out there. We change and we are different  and yet we have so few guidelines ourselves that we almost have to make it up as we go along. Most of us come to this newsgroup lost and alone about our new feelings and our new bodies, looking for answers too. 

        A very important and defining biological chemistry is shutting down and there are many almost predictable changes that occur while this is going on. It is easy to get seduced into taking drugs at this time to even out the process and if things are very serious or depression becomes something that good counseling does not help, this may be a viable choice for a while. But menopause is a transition time that can be as rocky as puberty and the better course seems to be to try to find a way to capture it, feel it for what it needs to teach, surrender and make peace with the changes, find support and broaden one's life cosmology to accept these important changes as one works through the transition. The other side which can take months or more likely years is a deeper sense of self, a renewed exuberance, this thing called post-menopausal zest and new love and a new orientation for everything in one's life. Don't forget there is also a very vague male "menopause" going on as well. Gail Sheehy's book discusses that as well. 

        Can your wife get on a computer and share her story in her own words? There will be many women who can relate to her and she can find a good forum to discuss the many ways women have been trying to find their way through this passage. Many will recommend drugs, especially by private email, or other products they have to sell menopausal women. Check them out very carefully. Be sure you are getting the best facts. Everything is pretty experimental at this time and much of what is sold out there is exploitative and worthless. Giving money to someone else for some "miracle"  type product, laden with personal testimony lots of exclamation marks and few facts, makes them feel good, but most likely will only provide a short term placebo for any one else. We have heard them all come and go. 

        There is a lot of money to be made selling "cures" to the baby boomer menopausal women so I suggest common sense in this area. There are no simple answers. There are no drugs that do not have side effects. And there are no one-size-fits-all answers here. A lot of your situation comes out of the experiences of your last five years as you describe and the status of your family and the children you still have to raise.  Your decisions will be personal and finally only yours own to make. No one can really know or predict what needs to happen in your life. 

        But if there is anything to take from this post in trying to reply to your difficult questions, it is withdrawal and the need to cocoon is very common in almost any setting during menopause, in a relationship or not. It comes with menopause and it may well come with midlife. As women grow more independent, men are finally acknowledging their own dependencies and it takes a while to get in synch again. We often use the analogy of a modem, where it takes a bit of screeching before parallel connections are made. 

        Let us know how else we can help you. 

shelly

When she says she feels no love for you or feels *nothing*, perhaps what she is really saying is that she feels nothing for herself because she hasn't taken the time to have feelings for herself and is therefore punishing the one who she really loves (you). I'm saying this because sometimes when I am unhappy with myself, I take it out on my husband, who I love so dearly. I lash out at him simply because I know how much he loves me, and sometimes I don't feel like I am worthy of that love, so I try to destroy that love. If I don't approve of myself, then why should he? Fortunately for me, these bouts don't last long, and they don't happen often, in fact, not at all anymore since I have learned to love myself. But I do remember a time when it seemed that I was hell-bent on destroying our marriage because I was so unhappy with what I was doing with my own life. I also felt empty inside, but I finally realized that I was the one creating that emptiness inside of me, because I was not being true to myself. 

It has been talked about on this ng before, that most women spend their lives putting everyone else ahead of themselves and then if they have any time left, which is seldom, then they might use it for themselves.  Menopause is a time for reflecting, and many women begin to realize that they are doing nothing for themselves and everything for everyone else. She begins to feel  that she is no longer so young anymore, and that life truly is rather short, and that maybe she has done none of the things that she would liked to have done for herself. I am only speculating here, but it sounds like your wife has certainly bent over backwards to please others in her family and has continuously put others ahead of herself and even you. She knows this, believe me, she knows this. Now she just needs some space. 

It sounds as though you truly do love and adore her, and that could be part of the problem. I don't mean that you shouldn't love her, what I mean is that perhaps she feels that such love is putting demands on her, which is exactly what she doesn't need right now. She just needs time to realize that she has some feelings for herself and to get her priorities straightened out. My advice is for you to back off, and give her the space she needs to do that. Let her feel whatever she wants to feel, but the important thing is that you allow her to have those feelings, and for you not to judge her feelings or take them personally.  Let her just *feel* and be herself and  to know that her feelings are okay. Encourage her to spend time doing things just for herself, and she will get those feelings sorted out. You said you used to do everything together, well now, just let her be with herself. I don't mean leave her, I mean just give her the space to get to know herself. 

She is not your other half, and she is not an extension of you, she is a complete and individual being on her own and so are you. Develop some interests of your own that don't include her, and pursue them with a vitality and encourage her to do the same. Let her know that it is okay if she doesn't want to spend time with you. If she doesn't have time for herself, then why should she have time for you? Show her that you understand her feelings, instead of acting hurt and mistreated which only puts more pressure on her. Let off the pressure and be your own person, and you will be much more attractive to her. I might be completely off track, but you sound a bit clingy and dependent to me. Please don't take that as a personal attack, because I certainly don't mean it that way. But maybe if you showed a bit more independence, and encouraged her to do the same, she might not feel so much stress, which is something that she surely does not need at this difficult time in her life. 

I wish you and her all the luck and happiness in the world, because you both sound as though you certainly deserve it. You sound like a very caring and sensitive fellow to me, and I would bet that your wife loves you as much as you do her. Just give her the chance to feel her own feelings, and I'll bet you'll be surprised. 

Good luck to you, 
Lorna

Lorna is entirely accurate in her comment regarding giving your wife some space.  The last thing your wife can think about right now is supporting you in any manner.  I would think that she *does* care/love you but is so drained that if loving you means putting out any energy, mental or physical, then you become another 'dependent'.  I loved the times when my husband would be away on business.....it was one less thing I had to think about, and that was a luxury.  Lorna's suggestions are gold.  Do something for yourself, away from home, so that your wife may recoup her inner resources.  Be prepared to hang in there, it will take a while.  Eighteen months ago my mother returned to our homeland on a Sunday, my husband's mother died the following Thursday, and our friend began a gradual recovery from non- Hodgkin's disease and didn't need the same level of support.  I stood in the living room and wondered how I would fill my hours.  I had forgotten all about me.  'Me' was a luxury.  We are only now reclaiming ourselves and of course we are quite different people, each having gone through 'the dark night of the soul'.   There is hope, and your relationship can come through this better and stronger for the experience, but you must be patient and willing to reinvent yourselves. 

My advice - get a hot tub!  No kidding, it's like taking a long road trip together.  Talking is easier, you are relaxed, and there is a different focus, you are sharing the same space, without having to 'do anything' and water is very healing.  If you live, or walk near a body of water you know this. 

.......and lastly, encourage your wife to play around on the computer.  Join this group as has been suggested.  Does she like Harvey Keitel, Sigourney Weaver?...... chocolate, concord grapes, champagne,?. ...she will be under our spell in no time....*LOL* 

Best of luck to you both, and best wishes for the season, 
Cheers, Sheryl

I am separated, and had a number of male friends and my life was quite happy and busy and I had time for them all. It turned out that when I virtually collapsed from my many severe symptoms and had to withdraw from an active lifestyle, I found out who really cared about me. My former husband would come over when I was feeling low, even though he is ill himself with MS, and just be there for me or help with housework and cooking. A couple of the men I'd cared the most for and admired for years turned out to be the most uncomprehending and callous toward my physical problems, and stopped calling.  The rest have remained out of the way and occasionally supportive and loving, so they are still OK in my book. For me, being left alone unless I want company is the greatest gift a man can give now. I used to love constant attention and doing things for people - naturally it is a shock to them when I drop out, but when I explain why, it's nice to be believed. 

What a woman wants and needs most when her body is changing so drastically is kindness, that's all. That means no insisting on sex when she doesn't feel well, no criticizing that she isn't doing all she can to get better - when we know that rest is the number one thing she must do.  It means no childish accusations that she doesn't care about your needs; it means just giving her the space to go through her changes, sometimes asking if she is OK or needs anything. Surely she's given and given all her life and can have a brief rest period. I tried in so many ways to explain in detail that I was drained and had *nothing* to give anyone including myself - it seems only someone who has suffered similar problems (MS, IBD, depression) can comprehend and not feel personally hurt. It's not a personal attack on a loved one when we withdraw! It is a crisis of identity and it will in time pass. But the woman's opinion of the man might be affected if he adds to her stress at this time. 

First, she was adored and sheltered by my father all her married life,  never had to work outside the home, ate a healthy diet and exercised daily, decades before anyone else did, had many outside interests besides the house and kids, and when she had a few symptoms at age 50 she assumed she was pregnant. 

But I recall her crying jags, and moody spells, the year she was 49 - and our father coming to us and explaining she was going through the change of life, and it was a normal thing, and we must be understanding. He did not stand in the way of anything she wanted to do. He let her travel across the country to spend three months with our older married sister while he took care of us three younger children by himself while holding down his job in army intelligence, taking us swimming and bowling and teaching us the joys of classical music.  He didn't grumble that she wasn't there to do the cooking, cleaning, and pet his head. She also took a long trip back to her hometown with her brother - totally indulged herself. Thus, she did in a way "sail through" menopause. NO ONE was coming down hard on her. NO ONE expected her to cook for them, or do anything she didn't want to. Some men deserve particular accolades - my father was a prince of a man, the likees of which I've never seen again. 

To this day my mother, though she can't remember her menopause, adores my late father so much she will not marry the childhood sweetheart who loved her since she was 13, who phones her every week and could give her a farm which she's always wanted.  She says, "No one can ever replace your father."