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Jokes About Computers
Hacker syndrome
by Tad Deriso
There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to
their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why
they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me.
Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even
you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke
cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts,
or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at,
but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.
There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of
organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by
pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all
live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".
Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers,
not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it
so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them,
though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are
worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD.
All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an
IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them
off of it.
There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the
one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems
is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one
is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers,
and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI,
CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to
mention all the ones in between.
The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and
anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a
freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one
day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would
take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because
of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was
almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He
decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers
at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main
disk did not boot.
While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He
had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down
to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the
MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly
routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone.
After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started
working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.
Part Two:
Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true
Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about
operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True
Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the
true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation
printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of
Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in
California.
What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated
room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in
rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do
not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of
wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool
of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below
freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in.
When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind,
you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the
North Pole.
Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids,
little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their
own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts
while playing Pac-Man, or Joust.
All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer
high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D
boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems
capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky
enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer.
If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop
them.
Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use
computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation
Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.
Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they
know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker
(Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and
say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for
days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it
was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad
name.
Part Three:
All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance
on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings
they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along
would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on
the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must
be a dream.
Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a
morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to
him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the
Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts,
thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric.
Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more
exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial
intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the
ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the
world of technological advancements.
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