funmonos

Fun Monolouges

Excuse me. Is this the bridal registry? Oh, well, I'm here to register....for gifts. This is a really big step for me, I'm really very excited. when is the happy event? OH, oh you mean wedding date. Oh, no, see I'm not getting married. I'll probably never get married, but, I need things and I think registering is a good way for me to learn to recieve.
Yes, I know that this is the Bridal Registry, and that you only register brides. Quite frankly I find that a bit discriminatory. I mean, I am here to register and I really just don't want any hassle. No, no don't get the manager. Look, for months now I've been buying gifts for all of my friends who've been getting married. It's an epidemic. There's been a slew of weddings not to mention showers lately and I've been invited to everyone and brought a gift to every event.
It's not that I begrude them their happiness. Really. I'm a very supportive person. It's just that, lately, it seems like somethings been a little out of whack, you know? Like a little off-balance, and yesterday while I was attaching tiny silver bells to a spice rack for my friends Howie and Wendy, this voice inside my head, it just started screaming at me. It said, "YOU SCHMUCK. Why do you keep buying presents for people who've already found everything they've ever wanted? Or words to that effect. I don't remember exactly, but I do recall that the voice sounded resentful. And I had to agree with it. I mean, isn't it enough that they were lucky and found each other? that they fell in love and made a committment? that they'll be splitting the rent and filing jointly? My God, they've found someone who'll give them a foot massage whenever they want. They've already won the sweepstakes, why do they get the doorprizes too? Why do they get to register for things like, like, like a cookie jar shaped like a giant eggplant? Or a set of "really good knives"? They're becoming a two-income family for Christ's sake, why can't they buy their own knives?
Now then. I need things. I am not getting married and I need things. I need better towels....matching luggage....a pasta machine....and sterling silver candlesticks. For years my grandmother promised me hers when I got married. Well guess what. I didn't get marired and last month they went to my cousin Marcy who did. Why? Why do you only get priceless family heirlooms when you wed. It's no damn fair. Candlesticks. Put me down for two pairs. Augh, come on, just do it. You registered Ann, Deena, Becky, Jane, and Cindy I insist on registering too.
I know I'm single. I confront that fact every day of my life. It's fine. I like it. But I'm not staying single without the same material goods as my married friends. My ship is coming in if I have to tow it myself.
Do you really want to know when the happy event is? It's a week from Saturday. That's the day I'm throwing a shower for myself and officially announcing a life of singlehood.
And the beauty of it is, I won't have to return anything if it doesn't work out.

Non-Bridled Passion from A, My Name is Still Alice by Kate Shien
I competed in S.T.A.N.J. Competition 2002 and New Jersy State Thespian Festival Competition 2002 with this as a Comedy Monolouge. I placed fourth in the State for Comedy Monolouges. I also went to Hunterdon County Teen Arts for Theatre 2002 and was invited to State Teen Arts for Theatre 2002. I was also invited to perform this monolouge at the Board of Education dinner and was commended at a meeting of the high school Board Meeting. Wow, busy year. (Hehe, talk about ego-inducing)

I had it again. For weeks now I've had this exact dream. I'm throwing a cocktail party for Yma Sumac, that singer from Peru. Now this is odd because I don't know Yma sumac and even if I did, I don't know why I'd be throwing her any kind of party. So anyway, Yma Sumac and I are standing in the living room of this apartment I have in New Jersey. It't a nice apartment, a little on the small side for entertaining. I've put some plates with onion dip and Fritos around the room, and I've set up a bar; Scotch, Gin, Bartles & James. Other guests are expected to arrive at any minute but I can't seem to remember who any of them are going to be.
The doorbell rings! My first guest. I go to the door and open it to find Ava Gardner, the movie star. "Etta, darling, how wonderful of you to have asked me." Ava Gardner says as she saunters into the room. Now believe me, I've never met Ava Gardner, but in the dream, she and all of the other guests seem to know me quite well. However, non of them know each other, so I introduce them. "Miss Ava Gardner, I'd like you to meet Miss Yma Sumac." "Charmed" says Miss Sumac. "Delighted" says Miss Gardner. "Ah, but Etta, darling, let us not be so formal, por favor. Introduce each guest by their first name only so we may all quickly become, how shall I say it, Amigos!" So I re-introduce the two ladies. "Yma, Ava" I say.