Unrequited 4 by Sara

I walk along the corridor to my best friend's quarters to see if he's got time for some breakfast. It's been five months since the tragic death of his lover and my Armoury officer and he's slowly clawed his way back from the brink of despair. It's not been easy; Trip has always worn his heart on his sleeve and feels things so deeply. It used to amuse me, when I could laugh at the agony he put himself through when he felt he had upset someone. The incident when he had read T'Pol private letter was a prime example. Most people would just have kept quiet, but Trip can't do that, he had to tell her and accept the consequences. Now that trait of his isn't so funny when I can see the pain it's caused him and I love him too much to see him in pain.

My musings are interrupted as I walk around the corner and see him outside his quarters with my Communications officer. They appear to be sharing a tender moment and I stop in my tracks as I watch her rest her hand on his shoulder and gently kiss him on the cheek and his response of engulfing her in a hug, whispering something in her ear. They slowly part and she takes his hand, squeezing it slightly and smiles at him. I find myself frozen my heart shattering as Hoshi walks towards me.

"Morning Captain." She says, smiling as she passes me.

"Morning." I mumbled my eyes fixed on the man standing a few feet away. When Hoshi is out of earshot I walk towards Trip, "Well you seem to be over Malcolm."

I regret the words the minute they are out of my mouth as I see the stunned look on his face, but the most shocking thing is the look of hurt in his pale blue eyes and something else, the disappointment I see there. I open my mouth to apologise but he just turns and walks away.

"Shit!" I mumble to the empty corridor.

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"Hoshi, can I have a word." I ask as I walk onto the bridge and, assuming she is following me, head to my ready room so that we can talk in private. I need to find out whether Trip and Hoshi are in a relationship, my mind screaming that it should be me. Malcolm knew I loved Trip, he'd given his blessing for me to have Trip, to love him, give him everything, body and soul, but I never thought that Hoshi would take what should be mine.

"What can I do for you Captain?"

I turn to face her bringing my mind back to the task at hand.

"Take a seat, I just wanted to ask you something?" I watch as she sits down, and I find myself hesitating. "I just wondered if there was anything you wanted to tell me?"

"About?" she looks puzzled and smiles innocently at me, causing my jealous anger to bubble up again.

"You and Trip?"

"Me and Trip?"

"Ensign, I saw you this morning outside his quarters, remember."

She suddenly realises what I'm talking about and starts to laugh. "You are kidding me, right?" Looking at my face she sees the seriousness of my question and stands, pacing the small room, her arms folded, "I don't believe this." She turns suddenly and I see anger there, "You think I'm sleeping with him, because of what you saw this morning."

"Well, it looked." I trail off, shrugging, suddenly feeling stupid.

"And you call yourself his friend." She suddenly seems to remember whom she is talking to. "Permission to speak freely, sir."

"Well I think you've already started doing that." I reply trying to regain control of this conversation and seeing the anger in her eyes.

"You bastard." Her words shock me, in all the years I've known Hoshi Sato I have never known her get really angry, like she is now. "You witness two friends in a tender moment and straight away assume that they must be having sex, anyone would think you were jealous."

"What was I supposed to think?" I find I am raising my voice, trying to defend my actions.

"Nothing." She pauses, taking a deep breath and regains her composure and 'my' Hoshi is back, "Captain, do you know what the significance of today is?"

I try to think, but nothing springs to mind, "No."

"It would have been the second anniversary of Trip and Malcolm getting together." She pauses as I collapse into my seat, "I was checking to see if he was okay."

"Oh God, what have I done." I rub my hands over my face, remembering the look in Trip's eyes, I look up at Hoshi, "I accused him of being over Malcolm."

"Well I suggest that you talk to him."

"I will." I look sheepishly at her, "I'm sorry Hoshi, I jumped to conclusions when I shouldn't have and I apologise."

"Accepted." She walks to the door; "You must love him very much." She smiles as I blush.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

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Engineering is a hive of activity when I get down there and I look around for my Chief Engineer. Not finding him, I see Lieutenant Hess who tells me he's working on a circuitry problem in one of the Jeffries tubes and had said he would be some time. Part of me is relieved that I can put off this confrontation, but I know that I need to sort this out now. With Hess' help, I track him down.

"I'm sorry." I say once Hess has left and we're alone in the cramp Jeffries tube. He glances in my direction briefly and then resumes his work. "I didn't know, I'm sorry."

"And that's s'posed to make things better?"

"Yes.no. I don't know." I pause, frustrated at having to have this conversation here, "Look Trip I was out of line and I apologise." I fidget trying to get comfortable; "Can we go somewhere to talk."

"Can't it wait, I am kinda busy, wouldn't want my Cap'n jumping t' conclusion and thinking I was slackin' off."

"Commander." My tone is harsh and he glares at me as he puts his tools down and indicates for me to precede him out of the confined space and Engineering.

We go to his quarters, neither of us speaking but as soon as the door closes he turns.

"So sir, what d'ya want t' talk about?"

"I wanted to apologise for what I said to you this morning. I didn't know about today and I just assumed.. it was wrong of me and I'm sorry I hurt you." I look at him expecting him to shout at me or even hit me but all I see is disappointment. He slowly sits down on his bed, sighing.

"Malcolm used to t' say never assume, it always makes an ass out of u and me."

"Yeah we'll he was right, I do feel like a real ass at the moment and I am sorry." I sit on the only chair in his quarters and he looks at me, as if he's trying to decide something.

"When he died, he left me a letter. In it he told me that he loved me and he wished that we could have grown old together, ending our days sittin' on a porch, two old coots arguing over our exploits in deep space." He smiles briefly at the image. "He also told me that you were in love with me." His eyes bore into me and I feel like a deer caught in headlights, "Was he right?"

"I.um." I'm stunned and sound like an idiot.

"Cat got your tongue Cap'n?"

"No. I mean..," I take a deep breath, and answer him. "Yes, he was right. I do love you and my reaction today was because I was jealous. I thought you and Hoshi were."

"You thought I was fuckin' Hoshi and got jealous because I wasn't fuckin' you." Trip is furious and I can't say I blame him.

"Yes." I say quietly.

"What? Didn't quite catch that."

"I said YES!" I shout back, "I was jealous, I've been in love with you virtually since the day we met but you never saw it, never saw me as anything but a friend. At first I thought it was because you were straight but then you and Malcolm became lovers and I realised that if I had been braver and asked you."

"That you and me would have got t'gether."

"Yes." I pause and watch him shake his head, summoning up all my courage I ask him the one question that I need the answer to. "Do you love me?"

He looks at me and I realise that I'm holding my breath, waiting for the answer that will either make my dreams come true or destroy a friendship. He stands and walks around the small room turning his back to me. I watch his shoulders sag as he sighs heavily. I desperately want to comfort him, touch him, and show him that I can and do love him as much as Malcolm did but I have to wait. Wait until he gives me some kind of signal, so I sit and hope and pray. He turns slowly and I see the misery in his eyes and my heart breaks a little at the thought that I had caused it, that maybe it's too soon that I should have waited.

"Jon," he says quietly, "I do love you, as a best friend, as a brother, you've always been there for me, through the good and the bad but." he pauses and I see the tears in his eyes "I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry."

As the meaning of his words penetrate my brain and I realise what he is saying I feel my heart shatter. I had for so long hoped that he would want me and felt that Malcolm would have wanted it too, but neither of us considered what Trip wanted. I stand up slowly, desperately holding onto the little self-respect I have left and leave his quarters. As I blindly walk through the hallways, I realise that no matter how much you want or need something sometimes it's never meant to be.

EPILOGUE

I watch him across the messhall chatting and laughing with Hoshi and feel relieved that he is getting his life back together. Suddenly he looks over in my direction and smiles. He says something to Hoshi and she nods, picking up her drink and leaving the room. Trip picks up his own beverage and walks towards me.

"Hi Cap'n thought you'd like some company." His smile says it all as he sits across from me. He's not angry or upset with my confession of a week ago, even though neither of us has mentioned it since.

"What Hoshi get a better offer?" I joke and then wince at what I had said. Trip doesn't seem to notice.

"Nah just told her I wanted t' spend some time with my best friend." He looks at me cautiously, "No harm in that is there?"

"None at all, as long as we know where we stand."

He nods his understanding and I realise that I can live with my love for him unrequited but I could never live without his friendship.

THE END