Unrequited 3 by Sara

The atmosphere in the Armoury is sombre as I deliver the eulogy and I glance over at Trip. He's staring straight ahead, his face pale, his eyes misted with tears. I pray that he can hold it together for at least the next half-hour. Hoshi standing next to him, her own eyes red from tears gently takes his hand and squeezes it. This seems to bring him back to his senses and he glances at her, blinking, a lone tear rolling down his cheek. I finish my words and look at the coffin before me; it seems ironic that Malcolm Reed's mortal remains will be sent into space like the torpedoes he loved so much. A fitting end to one of the finest officers I have ever had the pleasure to serve with. As the coffin edges it's way into the launch tube I look at Trip again. Every part of him is fighting to stay in control. He won't breakdown here, where the crew can see; he's too good an officer for that. He doesn't look at the launch tube door as it's sealed and Malcolm Reed is launched into space. His only reaction is to tighten his grip on Hoshi's hand as he silently says his goodbyes to his lover.

Three Months Later

I sit in my quarters trying to decide what to do about my best friend. Since Malcolm's death, Trip Tucker has become a shadow of his former self. Although he carries out his duties as well as ever, does whatever is asked of him as an Engineer, the person within is wasting away. The crew has noticed and rumours abound about why he is still feeling the loss of a fellow officer so badly. These range from guilt that he should have done more to save his friend to the fact that the two were more than friends. The latter of these is usually dismissed as nonsense by most of the crew, who think of Trip as a ladies man but little do they know how right they are. Only Hoshi and I know the true reason, and as his Captain and his best friend my lips are sealed.

Doctor Phlox has already voiced his concerns that Trip isn't eating or sleeping and that after three months, he should be getting his life back together, but he just seems to be in a downward spiral. I had seen him in Engineering earlier today and the place had seemed like a morgue. I always thought that with his easy going charm, sense of adventure and lust for living Trip was the life and soul of the ship, as much as his beloved engines are her heart. Now her soul is dying and I've noticed that wherever Trip goes his gloom and despair follow. When Malcolm had died he left some letters, one to Trip, one to his family and one to me. The contents of mine surprised me. He asked me, in the event of his death to look after Trip, that he knew I loved him as much as he did and that he hoped in time that Trip and I would have a wonderful future together. I was stunned that he knew how I felt when I thought I had hidden it so well, but then again he had been trained to observe, to see what isn't meant to be seen. I think of the letter and come to a decision.

I ring the chime on Trip's quarters and am not surprised when there is no reply. Sighing, I use my own security override and as the door opens look into the dim quarters. The light from the hallway illuminates the figure sitting on the bed, he is staring into nothing and my heart breaks a little at the sight. He looks so lost, so totally alone and I walk to stand before him. He suddenly notices my presence and looks up at me, his usually bright and mischievous eyes, dull and lifeless.

"I miss him so much." He says before the tears begin to fall.

"I know." I answer as I pull him to his feet and hold him, feeling the sobs wrack his body and my own tears sting my eyes.

He holds onto me tightly as if he feels I'm going to disappear, his face buried into my shoulder as I stroke his hair and whisper words of comfort. Finally the tears begin to subside and I move us to sit back down on the bed, requesting the computer to turn the lighting up a little, his arms still around me.

"Feeling better?" I ask and he shrugs pulling away from me slightly.

"Sorry." He looks embarrassed and rubs at his face. "What can I do for you, Cap'n?"

"Nothing, I came by to see how you were doing?"

"I'm fine."

"Trip?" I give him a look of concern and for a moment his control begins to weaken. He takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, look at me, I should be over this by now, what would Malcolm say."

"He's probably say you were a bloody idiot." I smile as Trip gives a little laugh.

"Probably"

"I was wondering whether you had eaten?"

"I'm not hungry," he pauses, "I'll get something later."

"Trip you have to eat. Everyone is getting worried about you, I'm getting worried about you." My words cause Trip's eyes to mist up.

"I'm tryin', I just can't." his words trail off as he looks at the floor.

"Look, I'll go to the messhall and get us something whilst you have a shower."

He starts to peel off his uniform as I rush down to the messhall. I know that he won't eat a full meal, so I decide to get something light and return to Trip's quarters with two bowls of chicken soup and some French bread. I ring the chime and this time Trip answers. I am stunned when I see him wrapped just in a towel; he has lost weight and looks frail. As I set the food down on a table, he pulls on a pair of sweat pants and a T-shirt, which hang loosely on his body.

"Smells good." He says smiling weakly.

I start to eat and watch him as he slowly does the same. Our dinner conversation is light and I try to avoid talking about Malcolm, instead I tell him of Hoshi's latest battle with the UT and he tells me that he'll have a look to see if he can improve it in any way. I take him up on his offer and say that Hoshi would love him for it. Suddenly his face darkens again and I know his mind has strayed back to the other person who loved him.

"Trip, I know it's hard to carry on when everywhere you go, everything you do reminds you of him." I sigh, "but you have to move on. Malcolm would go mad if he saw you like this, wasting away. He loved you for your zest for life, your spirit but you're letting that die with him." I watch as the tears roll down his cheeks, "It tears me apart to see you like this, Malcolm was a good friend to me and I miss him but I can't help feeling I'm mourning your loss too."

He wraps his arms around himself and shaking his head says repeatedly, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry," my words are a little harsher than I intended and I wince as his head snaps up and he looks at me, a slightly frightened look in his eyes. I soften my voice, "I just want you back to being your self. The Trip Tucker, that we all know, the one Malcolm fell in love with." He lowers his head again and so I try a different tact. "Tell me about him."

"What?" Trip looks at me confused.

"I'd like to know what he was like. I only knew Malcolm Reed the Armoury officer and even when he was off duty with me, I was still his Captain. I want to know what he was really like." I hold my breath, worried that my question will upset Trip further but instead of the tears I feared, he smiles.

"He was great, generous, passionate, considerate." He smiles. "Do you remember when the warp core was a little unstable and I was workin' around the clock to make sure we didn't blow up. I barely had time to sleep let alone eat and so Malcolm would bring food down to me in Engineering." He laughs softly at the memory, the first real laugh I've heard in a long time and I realise that this is what he needs, to be able to talk about Malcolm, not just as a friend or colleague, but as the lover he has lost. "He said at the time that knowin' how I like to eat, it wouldn't be wise to let the Chief Engineer keel over with hunger."

"Sounds like Malcolm." I say laughing with my friend, but Trip hasn't heard me as he continues, it's as if a dam has been breached and he needs to say these things.

"And he would do the sweetest things," his eyes brighten. "When we had been together for six months, I don't know how he did it without the crew catchin' on, but he'd talked the chef into preparin' a special meal for two. When I didn't show up for dinner, he brought it down to Engineering and we ate it there. When my people questioned what the occasion was, he told them that he'd been stood up and not wantin' to waste the food and knowin' that I was stuck in Engineering he'd share it with me. I almost choked when he was bemoaning the fact that some 'blonde' had stood him up."

I let him talk for the next hour and it feel good to see my friend laugh again, as he recounts stories about their life together, things I never knew and for the first time I realise the depth of love they had for each other. Suddenly realising how late it is I stand to leave.

"I'd better go, it's getting late." He stands with me and looks uncomfortable for awhile.

"Yeah." He then embraces me and as he pulls away kisses my cheek, "Thanks for stoppin' by." I'm stunned for a moment and then walk towards the door. Just as I'm about to leave, he speaks, "Um. Jon." his voice trails off.

"Yeah?" He looks embarrassed and starts to fidget slightly.

"Um.. would you stay with me tonight?" he asks avoiding my gaze.

"What?"

"Um.. would you." he sighs and looks at me, my heart breaking at the anguish I see in his eyes. "Since Malcolm. I can't sleep, I just need to know someone is there, just for one night, so that I can sleep." He looks away, "I'm sorry, you'd better go." He turns to his bed and I make my decision.

"Just don't snore," I say as I strip out of my uniform, "or steal all the blankets."

"Thank you." He says, tears glistening in his eyes.

We climb into bed and I spoon up behind him, holding him close and it's not long before I hear his breathing change and he's asleep. Something suddenly catches my eye, at the end of the bed stands Malcolm Reed, he nods and mouths the words 'thank you' and smiles. I blink and he's gone, a trick of the light, my imagination, I hope not, I'd like to believe that the kind of love these two men shared is timeless and can reach beyond the grave. As I begin to succumb to sleep myself, I think of Malcolm's letter to me and make a vow that I will do whatever it takes to make Trip happy.