Love, Hurt, Forgiveness by Sara

FORGIVENESS

I miss him.

It's been a couple of weeks since I told Trip to get out of my quarters and since that time we have barely seen or spoken to each other. I confess that I do miss his friendship and part of me wishes that we had never taken that step to become lovers. Everything is magnified when you enter a relationship, the love and the hurt and although the former is wonderful, the latter tears you apart. Now he is out there in a shuttlepod and I'm sure he jumped at the chance of this mission, so that he could be away from me. Maybe that's what we need, some time and space.

We can't leave things as they are though as our coolness towards each other will be noticed and then questions will be asked. So we need to talk and clear the air and try to return to the friends we used to be. Making my mind up to speak to him when he returns from testing the auto-pilot upgrades, I feel briefly better that, at least in my mind I've moved on and that Trip and I can still be friends... then my blood runs cold as I hear his frantic 'mayday' over the comm and suddenly I realise that I can't bear the thought of losing him.

I know his time is running out and I feel so helpless, so many moons and so little time and I feel grateful that no one knew of our relationship, as I couldn't bear the sympathetic glances. I dutifully sit at my post, as the Captain paces back and forth, my ears straining to hear the faintest signal from him, the smallest indication that the man I love is still alive, that he is safe and I realise then that I can never just have Trip Tucker in my life as a friend.

Several Hours Later

I hesitate as I reach the doors of sickbay, not sure how to explain my presence if the Captain should be there. I shake my head and realise how foolish I am and that I am only visiting an injured friend at the end of my shift. Taking a breath I walk in smiling. He is sitting up on one of the biobeds, Doctor Phlox fussing over him and I'm relieved that apart from the bruises and cuts on his face and the sunburn, he seems fine.

"Some people will do anything for a tan" I say and he glances at me, smiling gently and then winces as the movement causes his battered face to protest. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." He shrugs. "A little sore but I'll live."

We fall into an uncomfortable silence and Phlox sensing something is amiss takes the opportunity to excuse himself, claiming that one of his animals urgently needs attention. I sometimes think that he knows more about us than we know about ourselves and suspect that he is aware that Trip and I are more than friends. As he disappears and we are left alone I shyly look down, unsure what to say.

"Ya would have been proud of me Hosh, I was gettin' t' understand him." he says eagerly and I look at him, "Not sure if..."

"You could have died." I interrupt him and he looks away.

"I could have, but I didn't." He looks back at me, "Would it have mattered t' ya if I had?"

I'm shocked by his words and realise that as far as he knows I still hate him. I sit on the edge of the bed and take his hand, "God Trip, of course it would matter, what makes you think that it I wouldn't?"

"Well I thought ya hated me." He glances at our entwined fingers then back at me, "All the time I was down there I kept thinkin' of all the things I've seen and done since we left home and although some didn't turn out quite how I expected, I don't regret any of 'em... except hurtin' you."

"Trip... I..." my words are cut off as Phlox reappears, "...I'd better let the Doctor tend to those bruises, I'll see you later."

He looks as if he is about to say something but changes his mind and just nods as I leave and go to my quarters. Once there I lay on my bed trying to decide what I want from Trip. I thought I had made my mind up and was content with friendship but after he almost died I realised that I love him and I don't think I could be just his friend, although if that's all he wants from me I'll take it. My thoughts are interrupted by the comm.

"Phlox to Ensign Sato."

"Sato here?"

"I have discharged Commander Tucker and told him to rest in his quarters… that is if you wanted to continue your conversation?"

"I…" I'm not sure what to say.

"I got the impression I had interrupted something rather important, so it's the least I can do." I hear the amusement in his voice.

"Thank you." I smile, even though I know he can't see me and break the connection.

Outside Trip's quarters all the confidence and joy I had felt at Phlox's news begins to leave me and I start to wonder if being there is such a good idea. Before I can change my mind, I ring the chime and after a few moments Trip opens the door, looking much better. Wordlessly he steps aside and I walk in.

He gestures to a chair and I sit, not quite knowing what to say now that we are completely alone. He seems to sense my unease and sits on the couch, opposite me.

"I meant t' thank ya for comin' t' see me earlier." he says shyly, before looking at the floor.

"I just had to make sure for myself that you were okay and…" I decide that one of us has to start this otherwise we'll be going nowhere, "…I wanted to tell you I was sorry."

"What!?" His head snaps up and he looks at me puzzled. "What do you have t' be sorry for?"

"Slapping your face for a start and not believing you." I pause, wondering if I should reopen this wound, "When I heard that you had been rescued I was so happy and relieved. Then a few days later Malcolm said you and Kaitaama were half-naked when they found you and that he could guess what had gone on. I didn't want to believe that you had slept with her, but then I began to wonder why you hadn't told me about what had happened and I thought that Malcolm must have been right."

"Hoshi I won't pretend and tell ya that I wasn't tempted when she kissed me, and maybe I did get a little carried away with the kiss, but that's all it was and I swear t' ya that it never went further than that and as for not tellin' you..." he shrugged, "...I was going t' tell you but there never seemed t' be a right time and then we came across the storm and by that time it was too late and Malcolm had beat me t' it."

I think about what he had said and know that just before the storm he had been busy making the catwalk habitable and realise that we hadn't really seen much of each other at all during that time.

"So where does that leave us?" I ask

"That's up t' you." He looks at me and in that moment I see everything that he is feeling. "I'm sorry for what happened and I never wanted us t' stop seeing each other but if you don't want that and just want us to be friends, then I'll understand, but I do love you Hoshi."

I walk over to the sofa and sit next to him, turning his face to me, so that he can see into my eyes and know that I mean what I say.

I do love you Trip but I can't go back," I see the hurt in his eyes and as he is about to speak to me I place my finger on his lips, "but I do want us to start again."

The joy in his eyes tells me that he wants the same as me and his arms suddenly engulf me. I hear him sigh and his softly spoken 'Thank You' in my ear and then he releases me. We look at each other, smiling and then his smile fades as the mood turns more serious and we move in for a gentle kiss. The kiss starts deepen and I'm just beginning to loose myself in him, when he pulls away.

"As we're startin' again, maybe we should take things slowly." He says although I can see the desire in his eyes and am touched that he feels that I may not want to rush into the physical side of our relationship.

"Is that what you want?" I ask coyly, tracing my finger across his bottom lip.

"I'm too much of a gentleman t' tell a lady what I want." He grins at me, his arms pulling me closer.

"I suppose you'd better show me then." I smile as he moves in for the kiss, pushing me back onto the sofa as he begins to do just that.

Later as I watch him sleep, I think about what this man means to me. He had made love to me on the sofa, with such tenderness, as if he needed to prove to me that he does love me and that I'm the only woman he wants. I smile to myself as I recall how when we had moved to his bed, passion had taken over from tenderness and how he had collapsed sated onto me, whispering his love. Now I look at his face, peaceful in sleep and wonder how I could ever have considered a life without Trip. He may not be perfect and I daresay there will be other times when his eye is drawn to another alien woman but he completes me, and I can't imagine being without him.

THE END