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You can motivate a woman to take an action or avoid an action by leveraging her values. What are “values”? Values are abstractions which cause attraction or repulsion and therefore drive decisions. They are decision-making criteria. Everyone has values; everyone’s values are a little bit different. They’re a little bit different, because values are built around abstract words—words like “power,” “patriotism,” “economical,” “loving,” etc. And everyone’s sensory and emotional associations with a given abstract word are different. When you say “patriotism,” some people will imagine clubbing Hitler and feeling proud and strong; others will imagine being hit with a beer bottle by some drunken redneck with the Stars and Stripes on his truck’s bumper. Knowing someone’s values means knowing how to hook into that person’s emotions. Let’s consider an example. Gina is planning to buy a car. The salesman asks her, “What are you looking for in a car?” “Quality,” she says. Now, quality could mean anything. At this point, we know only that if Gina believes a car has “quality,” it will be more attractive to her than one without “quality,” all things being equal. The salesman decides to narrow things down a bit. “Yes, quality is crucial. And do you want to drive out of here today driving something really stylish, really fast, really reliable, or really economical? You want it, you got it.” “What kind of person do you think I am? Do you think I would drive something without style? It must have style! It must be a quality car!” For Gina, “style” equals “quality”, which equals “Good Thing”. At this point, the salesman knows to describe all the attributes of the car he wishes to sell her in terms of “style” and “quality,” and will use those words again and again. He certainly won’t describe the car in terms of how reliable or economical it is. He can also press for greater detail, so that he can find out what she values about “style” and “quality,” because values are linked to more important values, and to someone’s beliefs about the way the world works. If the salesman, some weeks later, happens upon Gina at a bar, he will relate the things he says—not just about cars, but about everything imaginable, and everything likely to make her feel good and excited--to style and quality as well. You can elicit the value behind a decision or desire by asking a question like this: What do you like most about X? What do you like most about your job? What’s the most interesting part about moving out here? What made your boyfriend stand out from all the guys who come up to you all the time? Once you figure out the driving value, you can figure out the value driving that value. If you ask Gina what’s important about style, she may well say, “Well, you know—when something is stylish, it’s special.” If you proceed to describe something to Gina as special, that thing will begin to seem even more important than something you’ve described as having style. If you ask her what’s important about something being special, she may say that when something is special, it’s powerful. Or irresistible. And the word she uses to describe the value driving “special” will have more influence for her than does ”special”. The first time you ask someone what’s important about X, she’ll likely say, “I don’t know,” and give you a funny look. People’s values tend to operate beneath conscious awareness. They are lenses and filters— they lead us to screen some information out, make some things seem important, make other things seem trivial. They help us retain the information that matters to us, so that we are not overloaded by all the information available to us. How do use this information? Given the values above, you could say something like the following: “For me, the real question, when it comes to deciding how much you like someone, is—Is this a person of quality? You know, really—Is this a quality person? Because, you know, when you’re really with a quality person, that person’ll have a very real sense of style. Maybe you know what I mean. Some people wouldn’t, and that’s okay, they’re just not for me. Maybe you’re someone who can understand how a quality person, someone with real personal style, someone who’s special, can just make you feel so special, that the whole experience of being with this person is itself very special, and very, very powerful…” The words which hold together our value hierarchies—in Gina’s case, for example, quality, style, special, powerful--are arbitrary, and will vary from person to person. Do these chains of words correspond to anything factual or logical? Nope. But they are an effective model of the way our minds work, and accepting this can get you laid. Review 1. Values are abstractions which attract us or repel us, thereby affecting our decisions about the physical world. 2. Everyone has different sensory associations with a given abstract value. 3. Everyone has values; everyone’s values are different. 4. Feeling that you are in conflict with one of your personal values is painful; feeling that you are in agreement with your values is pleasurable. 5. Values are stacked in hierarchies, like meta-feelings. An important value will override a trivial value. 6. Describe a connection between a choice and your listener’s values, and that choice will become more attractive. For more information on values and the relationship of values to beliefs and perception, read Gut Impact, available from www.sexualkey.com
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