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XIX. The Female Sexual Ramp While individuals all have different chains of values, women tend to have particular values when it comes to sex—and yep, they’re different from those of men. Always remember that in the back of their minds, most women are considering the possibility of things like pregnancy and longterm mating. Women are playing for much higher stakes than men, and so tend to be more selective and more emotional. Women, as suggested earlier, tend to have a more elaborate decision-making process. It’s not just a matter of getting turned on, it’s a matter of feeling comfortable about being turned on, and feeling comfortable about acting on their desires. The pattern, for women, tends to be something like this: 1)focus; 2)intrigue/curiosity; 3)connection; 4)sexual desire; 5)trust of the guy desired, or comfort about acting on desire. Focus is the process of mentally separating you from everyone else, and so concentrating on you. She focuses on you because you seem to differ from others in some way. You’re handsome, or witty, or stylish, or successful, or charming, or rude, or domineering, or arrogant, or seductive, etc. Intrigue is the process of thinking and wondering about that person she’s classified as “different”—you. When you intrigue her, she starts wondering how you compare to those she knows, and how you can fit into her life. Instinctively, she wants you to seem different from others, and yet to reveal values which are progressively more similar to her own. Connection is that mysterious personal electricity sometimes called rapport—the sense that you and she “have the same view,” “are on the same wavelength,” “feel close”. It’s a feeling that you and she understand each other, have the same goals, and wish each other well—and typically, the sense that the relationship may deepen. It should be noted that women tend to respond strongly to notions such as “fate” and “destiny,” and they tend to believe that emotional connections are products of fate and destiny. If we want to take a Freudian tack, we may note that, yes, men have their sex organs outside the body and can direct their ejaculate and urine, and that women’s sex organs are concealed, internal, and not things they can aim at leisure; moreover, women are at the mercy of menstrual cycles and, when it comes to pregnancy, the luck of the draw. Perhaps because of this, women often have a deep respect for the mysterious and the not-obviously-rational; frequently believe that sudden emotions and unforeseen events easily overpower logic, plans, and willpower; and tend toward emotional fatalism—the sense that things such as sexual encounters just happen, or are just meant to be. Women often like being swept off their feet, i.e., finding themselves responding so strongly that conscious choice seems not to be involved. Women often feel that emotional connections, particularly sexual connections, are fated. Sexual desire is lust, plus the real possibility of acting on this lust. At this point a woman is physically aroused, considering possibilities, and weighing consequences. Of course, a woman may well be in this state prior to all of the others we’ve listed, but in order to maximize the odds that she’ll go along with what her body wants and have sex with you, we suggest you first lay the emotional groundwork she needs to feel comfortable about having sex. Laying this groundwork means dealing with the emotional stuff in steps 1 and 2—intrigue and connection, respectively. Trust is in some sense about the future—about what she expects will happen after she has sex with you. If she feels you’ll hurt her—whether by not calling her, calling her too often, telling the whole town about your fling, or interfering in her existing relationship—she likely won’t act on her desire. At this point, obviously, you must provide the sense that she can trust you to make her feel good, and afterward, make her feel good about having had sex with you. Once you get through step 4, you should just keep cycling through steps 2, 3, and 4, while spending the most energy on step 3, intensifying her sexual arousal. Remember, all of the emotional states above are, by definition, abstractions, and therefore you can induce these emotional states by describing them. Talk about what it’s like when you feel connected; describe what your friend Tessa feels when she experiences trust. As it happens, the sequence given above isn’t accurate for all women—some women are made uncomfortable by the idea of emotional connection, or think sex and emotional connection are mutually exclusive— and of course, those women, conveniently, are often quite responsive to physical, direct approaches. Still, something like the sequence given above is fairly standard, and can usually be relied on. Later in the book you’ll find a chapter on different types of women, with their respective recommended approaches.
Talk first about safe, unthreatening emotional states, such as "comfort," "relaxation," and "learning". Only after inducing comfortable emotions should you move on to more emotionally-charged topics, such as "connection" and "sexuality". Over time, you can become more and more sexually suggestive. You should leave direct sexual proposition to the end, if broached at all; it's best to couch your sexual suggestions in terms of erotic metaphors and stories about other people's sexual experiences and comments, so that your listener doesn't feel she's being put on the spot--and continue to feed her stories and amplify her arousal until she takes action. Tell the stories as if you don't realize you, and the stories, are arousing her.
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