XVI. Erotic Metaphor So how do you get a woman thinking about sex and feeling sexually aroused? You use metaphors—figures of speech, analogies, images—which suggest some of the mechanics of a sexual act. Long ago, I knew a girl who enjoyed writing poetry. She once wrote a poem which she said was about the two of us—our Relationship, as it were. She showed the poem to her creative writing class, but was annoyed by her classmates’ reaction; she claimed that they completely misunderstood it. Her poem described being in love, and the extraordinary joy and emotional connection and self-surrender which came from the sensuous, extended act of drinking an infinite, gushing salty river. Her classmates thought the poem was about oral sex. She thought the poem was about love. Actually, I almost never said anything to her, and our Relationship pretty much consisted of her giving me blow jobs. She was convinced her poem had everything to do with passion and nothing to do with fellatio. From her perspective, she may have been perfectly correct. Just as her classmates were equally correct. And just as, through the Proof by Enjoyable Analogy, any meaning you wish can be molded from the raw clay of a given event…but back to the topic of Erotic Metaphor. As we were saying, to insert the shaft of a hard erotic charge into the moist hidden softness of Catherine’s emotional interior, all you need do is use metaphorical descriptions which resemble sexual acts. For example, you can talk about something in a way that suggests penile insertion, by using words and phrases like this: Penetrate, enter, come inside, fill a void It’s great when a feeling… of happiness… penetrates…all the way…inside you. My friend Natasha says she loves it, when she can feel excitement…a huge… intense…jolt of excitement…like a lightning bolt… enter… the deepest parts… of her… soul. I wonder if you know what it’s like, when a feeling is so powerful, that it seems to come right inside you…opening… and then filling… completely…a void inside you…that you didn’t realize was now open. You can suggest vaginal lubrication and access, or penile erection: Sometimes, something feels so right that…you know…your heart…the deepest part of you…just begins to warm…and as it warms…it just melts.. and then.. in a moment of grace… spreads wide… opens completely...to feel that which is most beautiful {POINT TO YOURSELF} begin to slide all the way inside…your heart. An emotion can be so powerful that it’s like something solid… something permanent, something whose weight you can hold in your hand … taste in your mouth… and then take inside yourself… and you know this feeling…is going to last…and last…and last…and the longer it lasts…the harder and more solid…and more enduring it becomes…and the deeper it goes inside you…the more it comes…to feel… a part of who you are. You can suggest oral sex: My friend Cynthia says that sometimes, someone’s energy can make you feel so wonderful that you want to drink in this person’s breath…you know?…it’s like you want to swallow everything this person has to give…and just keep tasting more and more of it inside you…emotionally, I mean. My friend Erica says that the ocean can be so beautiful sometimes that you just want to, almost, you know, kneel down before it… go down…on your knees…swirl a fingertip through that salty white foam…bring it to your lips…open your mouth…feel it slide inside your mouth, over your tongue…just close your eyes and drink in all you can of this immense salty liquid power…so that you feel even more connected to it… and it’s feeding… filling you… nourishing you… centering you… this is a marvelous emotion, isn’t it? You can suggest erotic or orgasmic response: I love it when, you know, you feel so free, so liberated…that these feelings just flood every part of you…they just explode inside you…and you find yourself shuddering… shaking… because this experience has been so profound…almost as if you’re seeing lights…and everything is warm and glowing… and you feel like a hole inside the deepest part of you has been blown open.. more fully than ever before... and you… truly… have…come…into a place…that feels…entirely satisfying. Also, make a habit of subtly gesturing toward your crotch when you say such things. And keep a straight face, dammit. Erotic metaphor is really just the lost art of sexual innuendo. What allows a sexual innuendo to work, as opposed to seeming like a joke from a particularly bad James Bond film, is pretending that you don’t realize that you are being suggestive. This also means that, after saying the kinds of things found in the examples above, you shouldn’t look at a woman’s face with an expectant leer; instead, pay no attention, as if what you’ve said had absolutely no erotic implications at all, and you were using a metaphor that just happened to pop into your head as you were talking. Remember, while it’s difficult to not laugh out loud reading this stuff—women’s brains work differently. Women’s emotions work differently. Women interpret language differently. Keep a straight face, and women will tell themselves these metaphors aren’t sexual, even though they’re getting turned on. Review 1. To induce sexual feelings, describe emotions or experiences as resembling the physical operations of sex—that is, describe penetration, sucking, exploding, etc. 2. If you maintain a straight face and don’t seem to realize that you are describing sexual experiences, a woman will choose to believe that you are merely describing intense emotions. Her body and imagination will nonetheless respond and she will be sexually aroused. 3. For women, sex is a subset of emotion, and hearing emotional language is an erotic experience.
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