XIV. How Women Decide What Something “Means” As we’ve mentioned, women have a much stronger response to language than do men. Language induces very strong emotions. Women create complex emotions, complex metafeelings, by layering and linking and stacking abstract words—abstract concepts about feelings--together. And just as they use complex language to create complex feelings, they use complex language to create meaning. Men and women determine the “meaning” of something in different ways. This, in fact, is one of the most important differences between them. Fortunately, the way women construct a sense of meaning makes it very easy for you to help them create meaningful experiences and help them arrive at interpretations that you want. All you need are words and metaphors. If men and women abstract the meaning of an experience in different ways, how do men do it? Men mainly consider physical events— we look at how one physical event affects another physical event, how going into protracted negotiation on a big deal affects that vacation to Puerto Rico planned for next week. The meaning of something is how it affects a physical event. For women, on the other hand, meaning comes primarily from how something affects an emotion. The thing that affects the emotion will often be another emotion. Meaning, for women, is in emotional response. The meaning of that protracted negotiation will largely be in the emotions that flow from it, and the degree to which she feels she’s adhering to her personal values. She might think, “Maybe missing out on that vacation is just one more example of how I’m always putting work before pleasure. I’m always losing touch with myself, always putting off what I really want. Why do I always do this? What does this say about me? I’m always fighting to prove myself. Am I still trying to please Daddy? Why can’t I just move on? What does this say about me?” Etc. For women, emotions are just as real as physical events. You create rapport with women by interpreting events through the lens of emotional abstraction. Talk as if your emotions drive your perceptions--as if your emotions are the real-world, and the physical world is something far away and not very important. Review 1. Men and women create “meaning” (and therefore establish priorities) in different ways. 2. Men assign meaning based on consequences in the physical world; the meaning of an event or an emotion is its probable effect on a future event. 3. Women assign meaning based on emotional response; the meaning of an emotion or event is its effect on emotions. 4. For women, emotions are just as real and compelling as physical events.
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