Scientific Evidence. No Spin Zone, I Swear.

The following are scientific evidence to any of
what may seem to be outrageous accusastions to your confused mind
are in fact actually scientific fact.
I also assure you this is a no spin zone.
Except when I twirl.
A little. Twirling is fun.

.::. I am Cooler than Jesus .::.

In my post of "Follow This Leader"
I take no shame in displaying the fact that yes,
I in fact, am cooler than Jesus. Why?
You see, if in fact Jesus was an actual person [there is some ancient evidence he was],
it may or may not prove the whole religion around him to be true.
However, we forget a few key things:

+ He was a carpenter. Granted, Harrison Ford was a carpenter,
but in Hollywood, and Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones,
who kicks ass. Too bad Jesus
wasn't in Hollywood, he would've been cool.

[- 2 points]

+ Jesus was a daddie's boy.
Seriously, It must've sucked going around, trying to do miracles
when his Dad, the big G-O-D, got all the glory.
Besides, George "Dubbya" Bush is a daddie's boy, so that marks serious points off for Jesus.
Also on a note, due to my recent excursion in my lab [the WEAT-ON mall]
I came across an ancient artifact [zippo lighter] that proclaimed
Humans created beer, and God created Weed, having the prophetic question of,
"Which one you gonna trust?".
So, since God created weed, that makes him cooler,
as for humans making beer, I guess that makes them
cooler as well, because drugs, as we all know it,
make everybody cooler.

[- 6 points]

+ Wine. For some odd reason, the Bible probably dosen't
mention specifically the amount how much Wine was
drunk "back in the day", which more or less was probably
enough to kill the entire nation of Ireland 2 times
over again [From a very reliable stand up comedian,
I mean source. Yes, source ¬.¬].
Meaning, Jesus was most likley overated.
Remember the guy who magically appeared and you were all like
"holy sh*t dude, you can teleport!" and then you toasted to the probability of
Star Wars becoming a reality so you could shoot people
with lasers and then you somehow managed
into a circle of friends and strangers, passing MGD mouth to mouth
until it resembles toilet cleaner? It's okay, not many people do,
and that's where the whole water into wine thing came from.
Jesus was a helluva con, I admit that,
but I've seen better with close friends
["Matchstick Men" w/ Nicholas Cage who
dosen't even know I exist].

[+2 for being a pimping con,
-1 point for giving people dellusions of granduer]

+ Advertising. This guy, is worse than The Cat In The Hat
movie advertising bum rush.
I see his face everywhere I go:
the church, the church bookstore, the white house,
the church's restroom which I did not inhabit while I homeless.
This guy is EVERYWHERE.
You'd think he'd have some self-respect,
but then you go and see little Jesus pencils "Look ma,
Im writing with Jesus, LOL LOL ROXORZ".
And who remembers the 90's modernization of
an un-offical, "Jesus is cool"campaign?
Not, not 7th Heaven, no, not Louis and Clark:
The New Adventures of Superman, no, okay now
your just being brainless, geez.

[- 8 points]


There you have it. I am cooler than Jesus.
It's okay, just let the information sink and
settle a while in your brain.