It seems the last time I shopped for clothes is an extremely ancient, not to mention dim, memory. One day last week I decided to try my hand at it once again. I was right. It IS like riding a bicycle, a really fun skill one never forgets. Although I must admit, there WERE adjustments, and none of them on FLO'S part, I might add. Why DOES this relationship seem to be so one-sided at times? Never mind. There's really no answer to that. So, back to the Ladies Department. Flo and I tried on everything from pants to petticoats, from tops to trousers, from skirts to scrubs, and from dresses to dumb stuff. For a PH patient in a Dillard's dressing room, I did just fine. Flo, on the other hand, kept getting mixed up. She got mixed up in the pants and the petticoats, mixed up in the tops and the trousers, mixed up in the skirts and the scrubs, even mixed up in the dresses, and made EVERYTHING look like Dumb Stuff. When I threatened to send her home, she threatened to cast an evil spell over me that would make me faint, be short of breath, and lose all physical energy with which to shop. I could see that although I held the credit card, she held the trump card, so she was most reluctantly allowed to stay.
To our great surprise, almost everything we tried on was TOO BIG! Flo wanted to know how long it had been since the last time THAT had happened to me. "In 1948, when I was two", said I. So, we had to get all dressed again, mixing Flo up of course, to go back out and get most everything in a smaller size. Once I could see that the new size fit, I politely asked Flo, "So what did you do with it?" "Do with WHAT?", Flo demanded. "MY APPETITE", I replied sharply. "I didn't take your appetite", Flo snipped. "I don't HAVE it anymore, so you MUST have taken it, and now I'm losing weight over it", I insisted. "No, no ,no", Flo said, "You LOST it". We went back and forth, and back and forth. I KNOW she took it, but she argues it's common knowledge that humans LOSE their appetites from time to time. Since I despise arguing in public, I finally gave up, and decided I would handle this by having Flo's next pouch custom made to be one size too big. Let's see how SHE handles THAT!
Clothes aren't the only purchases Flo and I are making these days. We also decided to buy property and build a BRAND NEW HOUSE. Yep. It's true! I don't know how many Red Letter Days an individual is entitled to in one lifetime, but the day we move in is going to be one of them for Flo and me. I told Flo that in the meantime we will be immersing ourselves in Anticipation. There are times I believe that Flo must think I'm a dictionary. "What's Anticipation?" she asked. "Anticipation is the sum of the bright, sunny, exciting feelings you experience during the time you are looking forward to something very, very worthwhile and desireable", I explained. She was quiet for a long while, then asked, "Is that a little like what I feel during the time between when the "Low" alarm sounds and when I finally recieve a fresh, full, cool, delicious cassette?". Honestly! Of course, she's right, in a very simple way. But, really, sometimes I'm convinced that Flo's I.Q. is lower than her pump rate.
Since we get to design this house ourselves, everyone wants a say in what it needs to have in it. Some things we all agree on, like NO STAIRS, a screened in porch, an attached garage, central air, and enough square footage for comfort, but not too much to have to clean. Now, my son, who presently has only a shower, wants a big tub in the main bathroom. He also wants a Music Room. I told Flo that's just another name for Basement. Now, what I want is a miniscule interest rate, a near non-existent down payment, and mini mortgage payments. Also I would like a guest room, to help ward off Isolation. And for exactly the same reason, Flo wants a refrigerator with no butter compartment. She is also interested in at least one pair of those square feet, since she presently has no feet at all, and these would match her basic body build. By now you can see, the builder is NOT going think I'm sane.
Three days ago Nanogram #13 came to live at our house. I almost immediately evicted her. But Flo insisted we really needed her, so I went along with it.......until this morning. At exactly 4:08 a.m. I woke up with a start and screamed, "FLO! YOU ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" I thought I heard her chuckle. Well, that was it! I'd finally had enough of her shenanigans! So I took a little lesson from my childhood memories, and told FLO what my mother used to tell ME, "You're getting a little too big for your britches, Young Lady, and now it's time to TAKE YOU DOWN A PEG OR TWO!" And so I did. In less than 30 seconds I saw to it that her pump rate dropped from 70 to 68. Yep, I was so ticked I even decided on the TWO pegs, instead of just the ONE. Boy oh boy, was Flo ever surprised! She ever so humbly retreated, and at long last I was able to put the nearly empty bottle of Tylenol back in the closet for a while. And, believe you me, not another chuckle was heard for the rest of the day. Once peace and a pain-free head were restored I sat right down and did something I've been sorely missing........writing a new segment of the Life With Flo series.
The superstitious folks are right. Thirteen IS an unlucky number. At least that's true when it comes to Nanograms. In my mother-in-law's day, she would have referred to Nanogram #13 as being "contrary" (pronounced: con-trAIRy). I hate to complain, but it took an entire TWO WEEKS for Nanogram #13 to settle in and act normal around here. She seems to finally be in control of herself, and has quite politely moved over to make room for Nanogram #14, who is proving to be a kinder, gentler soul, with a much less demanding expense account for Tylenol. I can only hope that she is genetically identical to Nanograms 15 through 20 so there can peace around here on the rest of the journey towards Therapeutic Dose.
Right in the middle of the Great War Of Nanogram #13, Flo and I have been house shopping, which isn't easy considering the merchandise is all the way on the other side of the world in Vermont. We've gone on line and taken those Virtual Tours until we are dizzy. Not only do they go around and around, they also seem to stretch the rooms in the process, making 1200 square feet look like 2500. Lucky for Flo and me, we have my niece doing all the leg work, which is even extra lucky for Flo, since she has no legs at all. She has looked at so many homes she's finally unable to remember which kitchen goes with which living room. I told her we should just take the best room in each house, stick them all together into one fantastic house, and make an offer. Immediately after that suggestion, the realtor suddenly remembered she had to go on vacation for a week. Go figure.
We have considered everything from building a modular home, to buying a brand new condo, to living on a farm, one with an old house, and the other with a brand new house. After all this looking and considering, I have learned one thing..............Vermont is weird. At least their housing is. None of the houses are normal, like in the rest of the USA. What IS it about Vermont that it would be this way? Maybe it's because I'm mostly looking out in the rural area. But you must understand, the root word for Vermont is "rural", so there is no other place to look. So here's a "For Instance" regarding how weird the houses are: Nodody cares what the front of their houses look like. It doesn't matter what the sale price, thirty thousand or three hundred thousand, the front of the houses are plain and flat. I think they call it Cape Cod. But to me, it's just plain weird when you can't tell the front of the house from the back. I pondered upon this issue for some time, even talked it over with Flo. It finally dawned on me. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT CURB APPEAL. And there's a reason for this. THEY DON'T HAVE ANY CURBS!! Let me explain. Every house is ON something unkown in populated parts of the country......ACREAGE. Yep, along with a house you also get at least a minimum of two acres, a maximum of ten to fifteen acres, and they also throw in a bunch of free trees. So, with all this in the deal, Flo and I figure they probably can't afford to include curbs.
But this is NOT the end of the Vermont Weird List. Far from it. Another "For Instance": Homeowners in Vermont have not yet been informed about the existence of CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING. I haven't even noticed many ceiling fans! I think they have a philosophy there: It's summer, so you're SUPPOSED to sweat! It also seems to be a tradition to put the laundry room in the basement. And if one happens to show up on the first floor, it is immediately interpreted as a construction mistake, and MOVED TO THE BASEMENT! Then there's the matter of the garage. In Vermont, the word "garage" is spoken with reverence. This is because the garage has been lifted to the status of a LUXURY. Therefore, houses cost double WITH a garage, triple if the garage is attached, and quadruple if the attached garage is a two-car instead of the standard one-car. Last week we found the perfect house, one WITH central air AND an attached two car-garage. We were SO excited. Turns out the central air was an ad error, and the attached garage DID NOT HAVE A DOOR THROUGH WHICH ONE COULD ENTER THE HOUSE.
So, Flo and I have been pacing the floor late at night over our house dilemma. Her rate increase has been keeping her up late anyway. Well, we are now considering a gorgeous new house on ten acres of land we will never use. But think of how many free trees we get!! This property also comes with a free barn, a few chickens, and, of course, a plain flat front with no curb appeal. But again, no curb to which to appeal anyway. This home also has more square feet than any of the others we've considered, and Flo likes that because she figures there just might be a few more pairs of square feet in her closet. I can see that she is really looking forward to taking a walk.
In case you were wondering, the packing has begun. The movers will be called on Monday when the Official Moving Day will be set. It is dawning on Flo and me that whether or not we find a house to buy, we ARE moving by the end of July. It has been, and will continue to be, a constant whirl of activity around here, selling the house, buying a house, finding a mortgage, wrapping up an annulment, and tying up every possible loose end that shows it's untied end. Flo asked if we were actually SUPPOSED to be doing all of these major activities concurrently with "titrating up" to our Therapeutic Dose of Nanograms. I told her that any NORMAL person with PH would NEVER do this all at once. But Flo and I are NOT normal. Which must mean we are WEIRD. And that's what makes it so entirely appropriate for us to move to Vermont.