There is an unwritten law in human relations that says: Just when you think you really know somebody, they up and surprise you. And Flo is no exception. After a long period of relative stability, her behavior suddenly became RASH. And itchy to boot. In addition, Flo is using the classic tactic from Psychology 101: Blame Transference. First she blamed the dressing,Tegaderm. Then she blamed the dressing, Covederm. And her latest victim is the Betadine. Personally, I think Flo is confused, so the mystery continues. Headquarters is working on a solution, and I'm assured that soon there will not be a rash in sight, or better yet, no rash ON SITE. All of this just goes to prove one thing: It's always SOMETHING with Flo.
And last week the "SOMETHING" was Flo's desire to visit the E.R. one last time before we move to Vermont. "I just want to say a proper 'good-bye' to all those nice folks decked out in scrubs", she pleaded. "Flo, you just can't drop in to an E.R. to do that kind of thing. The scrub decked folks are busy helping SICK people, and we just don't qualify to take up their time right now", I replied. "Well then, I'll THINK of SOMETHING", she snorted. And THINK she DID. By Friday evening she had come up with a solution. I didn't even know what it was called. I only knew that it FELT funny. But the E.R. docs figured it out from one of those long strips of paper with the zig zaggy lines on it, and THEY had a name for it: PACs, which in regular language stands for Premature Atrial Contractions. Turns out that since I take those silly 'water' pills, Flo knew darn well that inviting that Green Apple Trot gang to our house so often would tempt them to rob me of my precious potassium stores. In turn, this would be an open invitation to some PACs to attend our party, which would result in becoming Flo's ticket to her coveted 'one last trip' to the local E.R. As you can well imagine, I was annoyed with her, especially when I had to sit and watch her enjoy all the special attention she was getting from the scrub decked folks. She enjoyed every minute of it too, UNTIL it backfired on her! Yep, all of a sudden she found herself in the same room with something she's not at all used to: a little COMPETITION. Flo was absolutely MIFFED to see another LINE become connected for an I.V. bag of fluid. And she nearly set off her alarm when she saw a SECOND bag being connected to replenish the stolen potassium. All eyes were now focused on her competitors, and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to GO HOME. But her previously beloved deck scrubbed folks MADE FLO WAIT ABOUT FOUR HOURS. I think she got just what she deserved, don't you? I, on the other hand, came off the winner. Not only did I rid myself of those most unwelcome PACs, I also recovered my precious potassium stores. Then to top it all off, I left the E.R. with the doctor having presented to me the "Most Interesting Patient of the Night" award. So, now things are finally stable. Flo is at home. Resting. And doing as well as can be expected.
In another two days Flo and I are throwing a farewell party for our dear friend, Ms.Tracleer. Yep, she will be leaving us after taking up residence here for the past four and a half years. I will surely shed a little tear upon her final departure. You see, she and I actually STUDIED together. Yes, indeedy, we were in the VERY FIRST CLASS together called The Bosentan Pilot Study, and there were only 32 students in attendance in all of the United States of America and Paris, France. For about the past month or so she's only been dropping by once a day, in order that Flo and I could get used to seeing her less often so as to reduce the shock for us when she leaves for good. To spare her feelings, we didn't want to come right out and SAY we didn't NEED her anymore, but truth be told, we DON'T. Flo has picked up Ms.Tracleer's load, and then some, with ease. I have mostly good things to say about Ms.Tracleer though. First, her presense was easy to swallow. And secondly, she didn't give me any grief when it came to inviting any of those Side Effects jerks to my house. She just didn't seem to even KNOW any of those outcasts, which made her VERY easy to live with. However, I must admit, I will NOT miss studying for those monthly Liver Function Tests, even though I've never flunked a single one of them. Flo and I certainly wish Ms.Tracleer well, and we know there are many other patients she will be helping to have a better life.
About two weeks ago I had to sit Flo down and have a serious heart to heart with her, which is NOT an easy task with a clone when you consider they ARE basically heartless. Our discussion centered around our Nanogram friends, and the RATE at which we were inviting them to join our family. Each new Nanogram seems to have a unique personality, but historically we have all been adjusting quite well as we've added one new Nanogram per week, UNTIL NANOGRAM #12 HIT THE SCENE. Yep, looking back, that seems to have been the turning point. Adjusting to #12, #13, and #14 has proven to be a much more daunting task than with their younger siblings. Personally, I believe a mutation may have occurred. Or could it be that we've now hit Nanogram Puberty? You know, like when your sweet little grade schoolers mutate into pubescent, incorrigible strangers at age 12 or 13. Well, WHATEVER it is, I CAN'T STAND IT! So, after a fruitless attempt at brainstorming with Flo, which is impossible conisdering clones are also basically brainless, we decided to call Headquarters. And, as I've mentioned before, Headquarters ALWAYS knows what to do. The solution turned out to be simple, and it's WORKING! We simply slowed down the delivery of our engraved invitations to the new Nanograms! In fact, we don't even let them take up residence all at once! We now only allow them to GRADUALLY make themselves at home, and what we've learned is that, under these new house rules, they don't seem to be capable of booking nearly the number of performances of the Side Effects as they did before! Now, isn't that just the greatest news? Of course, Flo WAS saddened that this new program will result in it taking somewhat longer to achieve the coveted goal of reaching her Therapeutic Dose, but she WILL MAKE IT eventually, and in the meantime, I WON'T BE QUITE SO MISERABLE, which is very good news for Flo's and my relationship.
Just to keep you updated, Flo and I are about halfway packed and most anxious to hit the road for Vermont. However, once we do, we will officially be counted among the HOMELESS. As I mentioned before, the Vermont culture is new to us, in other words, WEIRD. Therefore, most of the houses for sale there are weird. After a thorough search we finally found an unweird house for sale. But then, after some very long and laborious negotiations to buy the unweird house, we discovered the SELLER WAS WEIRD. I mean, have YOU ever heard of a seller INCREASING the asking price on a counter-offer AFTER the buyer has offered the original FULL ASKING PRICE??? Me neither! Flo didn't think it was even legal, and I think she's right. So we decided to bail out of the negotiations, stay with my niece, and her husband, and her brand new baby she adopted from China, and just have fun for a while. Then we will resume our search for an unweird house, and if we can't find one, we will build one. Flo knows EXACTLY where she wants us to build. Right next door to the E.R.
It was early this morning when Flo and I sat down for her Monthly Performance Review. She seemed a little nervous, although she may simply have been shivering from the cold, her body temperature being only 40 degrees and all. I reassured that all her stats were actually pretty good. We went down the checklist, scoring her one by one. Avoiding Line Infection: 100%, Avoiding Site Infection: 100%, Over Booking "The Side Effects" performers: 100%, Increasing Patient Energy Levels: 100%, Decreasing Patient Fatigue: 100%, Decreasing Shortness of Breath: 100%, and BEST OF ALL, Increasing Patient Oxygen Sats: 100%!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!! Please understand, the patient is still on supplemental oxygen, BUT SATS ARE UP WHILE OXYGEN LITERS ARE DOWN!!!!!!! Yep, it only takes 2 liters to now do the job 3 liters used to do. And on Room Air, that invisible stuff regular people breathe in and out, the sats are hitting 90 more often than not! Now you just can't get any better than that, especially when you haven't even achieved Therapeutic Dose yet.
So, with all of this good news, naturally Flo wanted to know what's in it for her. So I told her we'd buy a plaque, hang it in the fridge, and put her name on it as Employee of the Month. I KNOW what she REALLY wanted. She WANTS a PROMOTION. However, there's only one promotion available, and that would be the position of BOSS, which of course I'M NEVER GIVING UP. But don't tell this to Flo. It could be discouraging. She already got way too upset when she found out she's not entitled to any vacation or sick days, and the only raises she can expect will show up on her pump.
There are a few more good stats around here to add to Flo's. For instance, Potassium Levels are now up to 3.8, and with the addition of a second Horse Pill per day, the levels should rise to 4 point something or another soon. Another remarkable stat is that we are now 87.35% packed here at home. Well, you can't really call it "home" at this point. It is more like Karen & Flo's Warehouse. You can always tell that the movers should be arriving soon when the boxes are stacked higher than the cats can jump, everything in the house echoes, and all meals are consumed in restaurants. Even with two weeks left to prepare for the final move, I am still filled with a sense of dread about the whole thing. I suppose that's because with a house closing and movers showing up you find yourself having to face a DEADLINE. Now, more than ever before, I understand so much better just WHERE the word DEADLINE gets it's meaning. It's because you feel like if you DON'T make it you'll end up DEAD because someone will want to kill you for messing up their scheduled events. Also it's because you feel like if you DO make it you'll end up DEAD merely from overextending yourself. Whatever it comes from, I do know this, DEADLINES and PH don't make good company.
I cannot overlook reporting to you one more good stat around here. Flo and I have recently, AND FINALLY, broken through, and PAST, the 14th Nanogram!!! Yay!!! For a while there I was accusing Flo of having signed up for an Arthur Murray Dance Class. She was doing the Two Step sometimes, then The Two Steps Forward And One Step Backward, and more times than not, The One Step Forward And TWO Steps Backward. Up and down went the pump rate while we figured out which dance routine would be the most fun. But her tenaciousnous has won the day, and we are now introducing Nanogram #15 to the family. However, Nanogram #14 has taught us well that it will be absolutely necessary to only allow Nanogram #15 to move into her new home gradually. She won't be completely settled in for at least another four weeks. This is causing The Side Effects to become discouraged with such slow bookings for gigs at our house. I wonder what they'll think when they show up for that last gig we've sheduled here. You know, the one right after Flo and I have moved without a forwarding address.