Have you ever been discombobulated? Of course you have. Everyone has. This includes Flo and me as well. Yep, we have been discombobulated for some time now, even so much that we've actually been QUIET during most of the experience. And I bet you thought we were merely on sabbatical. Well, when we finally figured out exactly WHO was causing our discombobulation we immediately got out our Handy Human Relations Repair Kit we purchased on QVC. When it failed to work we called the manufacturer's tech support line. After thorough testing by their trained personnel it was discovered we had an incompatible circuit in our system. Yep, someone here was NEVER going to mesh well with Flo. So, we excused him from the game, changed the locks on the doors, rearranged the furniture, and went to work recombobulating ourselves. The bad news is, Flo and I both feel a little sad right now. The good news is, we are already 78% recombobulated and should be at 100% no later than Independence Day. Quite fitting if you ask me.
While we were gone, Flo and I had the privilege of meeting the 11th Nanogram. And I can tell you, she's a DOOZY! She seems to have a much stronger contract with the Side Effects, because when she calls them, they come running. Which in turn causes Flo and me to do some running of our own! And another thing, she managed to sign on one more member from The Reservation. You are all familiar with the veteran members of course, Big Chief Jaw Pain, Green Apple Trot, Red Face, and Head Ache. Please extend a big (un)welcome to the newest member, Hopping Foot. Actually, I really don't notice him much until I get to the checkout counter in the grocery store, and then he can get quite annoying until I finally get to the car. By that time I've nearly bitten my tongue all the way in half trying to not scream at the people ahead of me in line "HURRY UP YOU IDIOTS! GET OUT OF MY WAY!! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT MY FEET ARE HURTING AND HOPPING MAD? PRICE CHECK?? WHADDAYA MEAN, PRICE CHECK?! I'LL PAY THE EXTRA!! LET'S JUST GET THESE MORONS OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN GET OUTTA HERE AND STOP THIS HOPPING FOOT!!"
Last week Flo and I had our checkup appointment with the surgeon. You know him, the guy with the big knife who spends his time installing Hickmans day in and day out. Well, I have to tell you, Flo and I impressed EVERYONE. First, we had to undress the dressing of course, but once Hickman was finally in clear view, all the professionals paraded by, took a good long look, and then the rave reviews started pouring in! We actually won the "Best Care Of A Hickman Award". And just think, we accomplished all of this while being discombobulated!
I have discovered how much I really LOVE nature, SECOND NATURE that is. Everyone told me that when it came to my relationship with Flo, Second Nature would be here sooner or later. The funny thing is, I cannot tell you if it arrived SOONER or LATER. I thought Second Nature would arrive like Christmas Day. Everyone KNOWS when Christmas Day arrives. But Second Nature is much more sneaky. One day, when we were just sitting around priming lines, swapping clave stories, and verifying pump rates, Flo and I stopped, looked at each other, and suddenly realized everything had been feeling like Second Nature for quite a while! Yep, sometime or another, we're not sure just when, I had become a Master Chef at mixing Flo's Secret Recipe. Then, out of the blue, I received my P.H.D. in Bubbleology! And I can now do a Dressing Change faster than I can dress! Doing line and clave changes have become easier than changing my mind! My question is: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Well, I can't tell you exactly, IT JUST DID! My previous nerves of jello have now been forged into steel by heavy doses of confidence born, I'm certain, of time on the job. The pages of the instruction book from Headquarters are now yellowing as they sit around unread these days. Flo told me that she feels we are becoming old veterans at this. I told her to speak for herself! There is NOTHING old about me. And there never will be!
Sundays are sometimes my hardest days. Trying to explain this to Flo was even harder. Her question, of course, was "Why?". My response, of course, was "Isolation". "What's isolation?", she asked. So, I told her what all of you already know, "Isolation is a condition that occurs when you don't live near family and everyone else who doesn't have PH is out and about, working and playing with others, having a really good time interacting with one another, while we who have PH are home alone because we are either too sick and puny to go anywhere or, if we DO feel well enough, by the time we pack up all our supplies for Flo, plus our oxygen tanks, for an excursion into the world it's so late it's already time to go to bed." That about sums it up, don't you think? Well, Flo had to think a very long time before she could think of a way to relate. Finally she suggested, "Do you think Isolation feels a little like when you put me in the butter compartment to keep me safe, but it ends up that all I get to do is look out and see that I'm separated from all the other Refrigerator Residents?" I could see she was finally "getting" it. So, I ask you, just what IS the solution to Isolation? Very simple. I'm moving Flo out of the butter compartment.
Every Sunday afternoon Flo and I reminisce about the past week. We had a lot to talk about this week. Monday was a holiday, making it another "Isolation" day. Tuesday we went to bed with the Imitation Flu we caught from Nanogram #12. Wednesday was a visit to the attorney. Flo was baffled by the foreign language spoken there. I told her it was a language called "Legalese", and that people learn it in law school, and how nobody other than lawyers are supposed to understand it, but that nobody really knows for sure if they actually do. Thursday morning we went to court. More foreign language. We left with an Annulment, which bewildered Flo even more, so I told her it was just another word for "Isolation", or "Freedom", depending on how you looked at it. Thursday afternoon we made a visit to the E.R. This was Flo's first E.R. experience. It was also the E.R.'s first experience with Flo. They eyed one another for a very long time before they decided to become friends. Oh! Before I forget to tell you, I was there because my heart rate went up to the 180s for about 25 minutes. Of course, it's just like taking your car into the shop......you know.....the funny noise stops as soon as you get there. Well, my heart stopped racing at the E.R.'s front desk. Silly me, I went in anyway. The nice young doctor took a long time to assess our condition. Before he sent us home with a Holter Monitor he explained to me, with great concern in his eyes, "You are a very sick woman". He couldn't hear Flo when she whispered in my ear, "NO KIDDING!!". So we went home with our brand new Annulment and our new Holter Monitor. Naturally Friday was totally dedicated to PROJECT DETANGLEMENT. Adding 8 new cords to the present 02 tubing and Flo's line was not a pretty picture, but Flo kept bragging to everyone how "WE HAVE CONNECTIONS". We also worked as hard as possible to make my heart race again so the Holter Monitor could capture a BIG CARDIAC EVENT. In all my experience with Holter Monitors, I haven't met one yet that could catch a heart doing such a thing. The heart is very clever, and waits patiently for the 24 hours to expire before performing another BIG CARDIAC EVENT. It probably doesn't matter anyway. I think the BIG CARDIAC EVENT was simply a form of Post Annulment Anxiety Disorder anyway. Finally, Saturday arrived, and Flo and I spent most of the day watcing D-Day stuff on TV. We agreed that Tom Sellick looked pretty good as Eisenhower. But then, Tom Sellick would look pretty good as just about anybody, don't you think?
A week ago Wednesday I sold the house. Yep. Just like that! This week we should have the actual purchase offer in hand. Flo and I have decided it's time to make a new life for ourselves. So we are making plans to move to Vermont. You see, there are at least two advantages to Vermont. First, we have family there, which is irrelevent to Flo, since she is a clone, but it IS important to ME since, insofar as I know, I am NOT a clone. Secondly, the altitude is 100 feet above sea level, unless of course, you decide to take a dip in Lake Champlain, then it could be zero. Now this DOES mean something to Flo because she has heard a rumor that if we live in a lower altitude she won't have to work nearly as hard to keep me well as she does here at 4800 feet. The rumor is probably true. So, if all goes well, the moving date should occur in mid-August, giving Flo just enough time to achieve Therapuetic Dose. Once there, the altitude problem will be forever solved. More importantly, because family is there, we will finally be eliminating Isolation.