I saw Doctor Janet�s (that�s what she insisted I called her) lips press together, she was angry with Master O�Neill. I felt my body tense � he had no right to upset this nice mistress like that. In a rare show of defiance I yanked my arm away from him and glared at him as best I could.
�I�ll stay, Doctor Janet.� I said solemnly, �I don�t mind being poked with needles.�
I heard O�Neill give a little chuckle and I watched, with satisfaction, as Doctor Janet shot him an angry glare which I did my best to imitate.
�Heh.� He shrugged off our glares. �You won�t be saying that in a few hours-�
�Colonel O�Neill!� Doctor Janet�s voice was angry and sharp and it didn�t surprise me that it finally shut Colonel O�Neill up. I smiled as she patted me on the shoulder and I whispered in her ear.
�See, I said what I wanted. I was good, right?� I wanted to see her smile again. As fun as it was too see the muscular Master O�Neill getting bullied by the small Doctor Janet, I liked happy Janet much more than angry Janet.
I was pleased when it got the right effect and she cracked me a beaming smile.
�Yes, Quinn, that was very brave of you. Well done!� I smiled at the praise. When you�ve spent all your life being told you�re stupid, weak and worthless a little praise means a very great deal. Doctor Janet knew this. She knew lots of things about me now.
She had spent a very long time talking to me when I had been getting better. I was most interested in my namesake � Jonas Quinn.
It happened a few days into my recovery, Doctor Janet says it was when she could see I was feeling more relaxed. She had just sat down next to the bed and said,
�Now, I know we�ve been calling you Quinn. That�s because we needed to call you something and�Quinn�well that�s another story. But I was wondering, Quinn�Do you have another name you�d like us to use?�
I shook my head vigorously and then stopped as I realised I was lying. As safe as I felt with these new owners I knew it was never good to tell a lie.
�I have�a�� I cursed myself for my flaw for the thousandth time in my life as I tried to stammer out the truth. Had I not been damaged I would have been able to tell the truth, even if I didn�t like it, without hesitation. Had I not been damaged I wouldn�t have had a preference either way.
�I have a number.� I managed to stammer out, forcing tears back.
�Quinn? Quinn what�s wrong?� Doctor Janet had a hand on my shoulder and the gentle comfort was enough to start me crying as I blurted out.
�I don�t WANT to be a number!� I turned pleading eyes on her, �Please Miss�� In my distress all of Doctor Janet�s lessons about monikers and the �chain of command� went out of my head. �I want the name YOU picked! I don�t�I want a proper name!�
�Quinn�� When I turned my eyes to her again she was smiling softly, sympathy in her eyes. �Quinn, you don�t have to be a number. You pick whatever you want.� She smiled and I sniffed as my tears slowed. I didn�t have to be a number? Even though she knew I had one? I could still be Quinn?
�Quinn. I want to be Quinn.� I said as firmly as I dared and she nodded patting me on the shoulder and giving me a determined grin.
�Quinn it is then.�
I smiled back, feeling shy and tired after my emotional outburst, yet the curiosity I should never have possessed was ripe and I couldn�t help but ask.
�What does the name Quinn mean?� I�d been called many names before but I knew what they had all meant, or if I hadn�t I�d soon learned.
�Quinn�� I watched Doctor Janet bow her head and I knew she was keeping her feelings inside. I had done it often enough myself to see when others were attempting to do the same. �Quinn means more to me than anything.� I wasn�t stupid enough to think she was talking about me. �The name Quinn belonged to a very outstanding young man.� I looked over her and saw the passion in her gaze. I knew if I was feeling that emotion my eyes would have been very black. �A man who I loved very, very much.�
I sat for a moment and thought about it. Love. I�d heard about it of course but I�d never really understood it. An old slave had said had said that love was when you would willingly die for someone, when you never wanted them to go away. I would have died for any of my masters, had nearly done so on a few occasions but I was pretty sure I didn�t love them. It didn�t sound like you should be scared of someone you love.
�He was�well�he was very much like you.�
Doctor Janet�s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. That was something to think about another time. I found myself intrigued that there might be another like me. On Kelowna I had been flawed, the one faulty clone in the batch. I was a unique clone. A paradox.
�Sam will tell you more.� She continued and I filed that piece of information away. I liked Major Carter it would be interesting to ask her.
�This very special man, his name was Jonas Quinn and��
I didn�t need kelownan enhanced abilities to know what she was going to say nor how painful it would be for her to say it. I didn�t want her to be any more upset, I was regretting asking her enough as it was, so I finished off the sentence for her.
�He�s dead�� It wasn�t a question but a statement and Doctor Janet nodded to confirm it. And then there was silence. And I was totally lost. I had plenty of experience of sorrow and misery but�comfort�that was something I had only seen once or twice, never something I had experienced aside from the treatment I had received here. Doing the only thing I could think of, I did what Doctor Janet did to me when she wanted me to be brave and squeezed her arm. I thought back to what Doctor Janet would say to me when I was scared or upset but nothing sounded like the right thing to say. That was when I learned that, when faced with the death of a loved one there are no words that can take the pain away. This was the first of many lessons I was to learn in this strange place.
Little did I know that I was learning one at that very minute as I stood beside Doctor Janet doing my best to make her happy. It wasn�t a conscious decision to decide that I wanted her to be happy. I didn�t even have to consider it. The thought of making her unhappy never even crossed my mind. I was learning at that time, without realising it, what it was like to have a friend.
It wasn�t until I heard Doctor Janet�s frustrated sigh that I realised I had been drifting in my memories and I tensed wondering if her frustration was aimed at me. My worry was quelled as I saw her roll her eyes exasperatedly and I saw a reluctant smile on her lips.
�Fine, Colonel O�Neill, introduce him to Jello if you really must but don�t keep him out too late.�
I watched Colonel O�Neill give a pretend salute and I couldn�t help but marvel at the fact he wasn�t being punished for his obviously mocking behaviour. Then he turned to me and said,
�How about it, Quinn, wanna try some jello?�
I had absolutely no idea what jello was and my mind began to fill with possible scenarios as my schemas activated. Of course, when you�ve grown up as a slave your schemas don�t tend to be the happiest of them all.
�Quinn?� Colonel O�Neill looked worried but his type of worry was quite different to Janet�s type of worry. Having spent a lot of time with the two of them, my efficient memory was already cataloguing every detail about them. So I knew even though Colonel O�Neill�s face just looked confused, the tensing of his shoulders and slight shift in his stance showed me he was actually worried. The fact that he was worried about me put me at ease a little, would Colonel O�Neill really make me do even half of
the things I was imagining? No, I finally decided. No I didn�t think he would.
�I�m sorry, Colonel O�Neill.� I forced the tremors out of my voice, trying to disguise how afraid I had been. �I-I don�t know what Jello is, and I got scared.� I saw his eyes widen in understanding and he burst into a relieved grin.
�Don�t worry kiddo, there�s nothing to be scared of.� He look up a little as if in memory, �Well, maybe for the catering staff, but not for us. Now�� He leaned close to my ear and whispered, �Let�s get out of here before Doc Fraiser changes her mind.�
I grinned and nodded firmly, caught up in his excitement, whispering back, ��Kay.�
18 Jello cups and a definition of catering staff later I understood what Colonel O�Neill had meant. There was no-one else in the cafeteria and I was glad. I knew people had been warned that there was an alternate universe counterpart of Jonas Quinn on base but still�Earthlings are not very good at hiding their emotions and when I had looked into their eyes I had seen so many feelings and it had scared me that I could cause that much emotion in so many people.
I�d grown up with most people never sparing me more than a glance. The vast majority of people not caring whether I lived or died and with whatever I wanted, thought, or did having no effect on anyone or anything. Now I saw I was having an effect on the people in this strange place on the most profound emotional level.
I saw sadness as my face brought back memories of Jonas and the Earthlings were forced to deal with the fact that the man they were remembering was never coming back. I saw anger mingled with bitterness at the fact that I was there, alive and their friend was not. This upset me, it wasn�t my fault that their friend had died. I saw confusion, as if they couldn�t really believe that a doppelganger of their dead friend was stood right before them. But the anger and sadness were too much for me to deal with.
So, even though I don�t usually like having my back to people, I decided that the possibility of an unseen attack was much easier to deal with than seeing those looks directed towards me.
And I knew I should have told Colonel O�Neill that I wasn�t comfortable in there but do you honestly think he could have understood what I had just told you? Could you even understand just how I felt? As I said - saying how you feel and what you want is a lot harder to do than it sounds sometimes.