I knew the basics of mathematics: how to calculate how long my bullets would take to reach their targets, how to recognise angles to within five degrees accuracy, how to judge at a distance whether a gap could be jumped or not � nothing like the complex equations Major Sam used at will.
My grasp of languages was even poorer, I learned the languages of the 3 nations in order to monitor communications and that was pretty much it. My memories of my teaching are a little hazy sometimes, most of the time we would learn these things late into the night after a ten hour day of field training and the resulting sluggishness of our thought processes was rewarded with the stinging slash of a belt.
So the idea of approaching a task by myself without having learned the theory beforehand was as terrifying as it was confusing. Yet, somehow knowing I wasn�t going to be punished allowed me a little calm and I straightened my spine as I sat on the infirmary bed � I wasn�t a little child any more, not by Kelownan standards anyway, I simply needed to pull myself together and approach this how I had been taught to approach other unknown threats.
�Quinn�Quinn?� A hand on front of my face caused my eyes to focus sharply and I flinched back partly in shock, partly expecting a blow.
�Quinn�� The voice was soft and concerned and accompanied by the little sigh that I had become accustomed to hearing whenever I had upset someone.
�Sorry, Doctor Janet.� I swallowed, �I know you won�t hit me.� I assured her. �I was just thinking about�about when I was little.� I tried to explain, �We�we can get on with my check up now�� I prompted as Doctor Janet hesitated.
�Quinn, I know you don�t like to talk about your past.� I froze at the doctor�s tone even as she stroked the side of my face gently and I tensed in anticipation of the inevitable �but� and what would follow it.
�But�� She started and I tried not to flinch at the word. �I think it might help you to deal with some of your memories if you talked them through with someone, a professional. We have trained counsellors at the SGC to help with problems like this.�
�Problems like what?� I replied, my eyes narrowing as I felt an unexpected surge of anger at the idea that she would find me anything but perfect. However, as soon of the spark of anger had flared to life it just as quickly vanished as I remembered exactly where I was. People were allowed to be flawed here � it was almost expected.
�I�m sorry.� I sighed again as I saw Doctor Janet�s eyes widen at my unexpected outburst. �I know I�m a bit�� I shrugged as I searched for the right word, ��weird.� I concluded, frowning when Doctor Janet�s eyes start to water. And yet again I felt the spectre of Jonas Quinn hover over me as I knew I�d done something to remind her of him. Yet the only emotion I could manage to muster up was a weighted feeling of weariness. How was I ever supposed to make a life for myself here with people always looking at me and seeing him? I wasn�t him. I was nothing like this reality�s Jonas no matter what Colonel O�Neill or any of the others said.
I repeated as much to Doctor MacKenzie as I was forced to sit in his office and be �counselled�. Despite my protests, Doctor Janet had decided it was the best thing for everyone if I attended some �therapy�. I had only agreed because I was guilty of reminding her of Jonas yet again and for snapping at her. That didn�t mean I wanted to cooperate with the black-haired, bushy-eyebrowed man one bit.
�I�m sensing a lot of anger in you when you talk about this, Quinn. Does it make you feel angry?� He asked in the annoying, slow tone of voice I had come to expect from this man.
�Well, my eyes aren�t black.� I grumbled, �So, I guess that means I�m not angry.�
�But what do your feelings tell you, Quinn?� He seemed to draw out the word �feelings� for a disturbing amount of time and I fought not to roll my eyes before stopping to consider his question. I�d never really paid much attention to what I �felt� about things. I�d soon learned it didn�t matter what I thought about what was to happen, I quickly learned that voicing those comments resulted in a beating or worse and having them in the first place just made whatever I was forced to do that much harder to handle. So I�d pushed them down, into my chest, into the back of my head until I couldn�t hear them anymore and pretended I didn�t care about what was happening to me or anyone else. I�d perfected keeping a bland, expressionless mask on my features until the only way my owners could tell my feelings was by looking into my eyes. And in the same way, that was how I�d learned to read my own emotions, by feeling the ripples and swirling in my irises as I kept everything else still, controlled and cold.
And, despite all this reminiscing, I couldn�t come to a conclusion about how I felt and I just looked up and shrugged.
�I�I don�t know.� I responded, �I feel�something, I think I feel lots of things but I�it�s not like fear, or hunger or�or pain it�s just a�a thing in my chest an� I don�t know what it means.� I blurted out, slowing coming around to the idea that this counselling wasn�t as bad as it sounded. I had felt guilty unloading my problems onto Colonel O�Neill but this person was getting paid to listen to me talk. I still found the man annoying but it was nice just to talk without having to think about what was the �right� thing to say.
The Doctor nodded slowly a he jotted down notes on a small notepad and I got the feeling he had just worked out my entire thought process.
�Okay then, Quinn�what do you think would stop you feeling this way?�
I froze at that too...I wasn�t used to thinking about how to make myself feel better. I knew my feelings were irrelevant compared to that of my owners. I sighed, as I admitted how I coped for the last six years.
�To stop feeling at all.� I replied in a monotone and the sudden jerk of Doctor Mackenzie�s shoulders told me that he wasn�t as calm on the inside as he was pretending to be on the outside. I would never give myself away like that, I thought smugly and my keen ears picked up the slight hitch in the man�s voice as he asked,
�What do you mean by that?�
And just as it seemed this man could tell what thoughts were running through my mind, at that moment, I could sense exactly what was going on his head. Suicide.
I sighed as I looked at the floor, I would be lying if I said I had never considered it before, and I�d had the opportunity to kill myself many times but the idea had always terrified me.
�0327?�
My voice was timid as I peered round the corner of the courtyard. I had been sent to give a message to a much older slave � 0327 was five years older than me and his adult body towered above my own small one.
I could feel my heartbeat speed up as my eyes swept the deserted courtyard � the trainers had said he was here! If I didn�t find him I would get punished. I swallowed heavily before calling out again.
�Twenty seven?�
I cocked my head to one side as I tried to listen for any reply from the missing slave.
�Twenty seven�they�they want t-to see you!�
I stammered out, wondering if the slave was hiding because he didn�t want to see me. I was walking with a bit of a limp and my arms were pretty bloody from that days training�maybe he didn�t want me to get blood on him.
�I-I won�t�I won�t disturb you I just got to tell you��
I walked forward slowly, trying to stop shaking as I did so. It was cold in the courtyard and I hated being outside alone. The older slaves told stories of wild animals, of temperatures that dropped to below freezing�I shook my head fiercely trying to shake me fear away but my three year old mind wasn�t trained enough to deal with the almost paralysing terror I felt.
�T-twenty seven, please�I-I�m scared.� I stammered out and the resulting curse I heard caused me to gasp.
�Dammit kid, over here.� The voice was rough and gravely but I quickly pinpointed it�s location and ran as quick as my sore legs would allow, desperate not be alone any more.
�Twenty seven, I�I got�I got a message!� I tried to talk whilst breathing heavily from my sprint and smiling in relief. �The trainers�� I trailed off and then gasped sharply, unconsciously stepping back with one leg as I saw 0327 sat up against the wall, his gun barrel in his mouth.
�Wh-what are you doing?� My eyes were wide and black as my heart hammered in my chest and my shoulders heaved.
�Dammit�� I breathed a sigh of relief as the man took his gun out of his mouth to speak and turned his head to me. �Get out of here, Twenty three, you didn�t see me alright?�
I shook my head in confusion as I took a few paces closer towards the older man, placing a tiny hand on his muscular arm.
�I�I have to deliver the message.� I pleaded, tears starting to prick in my eyes as I stared into the empty gaze of the older slave and my young mind was forced to realise yet another harsh reality of life.
�Consider it delivered.� Was the answering growl and I watched 0327 raise the gun again. �Now get lost before you see something nasty.�
�No!� My voice was more of a sob as I clutched the man�s shirt in my fists. �No! Twenty seven, please! Don�t�don�t hurt yourself!� I couldn�t bring myself to say �kill� the idea too scary for my childish mind to deal with.
�Argh, damn.� The man placed his hand on my shoulder, the first comforting touch I had had in a long time and I smiled thinking the slave had changed his mind. �You�re a good kid, twenty three, you don�t wanna stick around here. Just go back, tell �em I wouldn�t go with you.�
His voice was weary but there was a hint of concern in it and I found myself crying.
�They�ll�they�ll hit me Twenty seven�I don�t wanna get��
�I�I�m sorry, kid.� The man�s voice was sad but slightly tense. �But you need to go, they�re gonna come looking for ya any minute now.�
�No!� I shook my head again. �No�I won�t�I�I KNOW WHAT YOU�RE GOING TO DO!� My breathing was harsh and rapid with panic and passion as I pulled myself back to my feet and clenched my fists.
Yet my combat training proved useless as my body froze in fear whilst 0327 raised the gun to his mouth again. The sound of the gun firing made the resulting silence even heavier and it wasn�t until I felt the blood of the man I had just been talking to impact my face and shirt that I began to scream.
I jumped as I remembered the feel of the blood impacting my skin and the movement brought me back to my senses. I looked up to see Doctor Mackenzie�s looking at me curiously and I flinched back from his gaze � my previous confidence forgotten as I trembled from the memory.
�Quinn?� His voice was calm and confident and I just managed to croak out,
�I wouldn�t kill myself.�
His frown showed me he had forgotten our earlier topic of conversation and I stammered out.
�You�you thought I mean I was gonna kill myself.� I explained and I watched his eyes widen in shock that I had managed to figure it out.
�But I wouldn�t� I continued, shuddering in horror at the memory of Twenty seven�s dead body and mutilated head, �I�d never�never�� I just trailed off, wrapping my arms around myself. I could see that there were hundreds of questions burning in his mind but I sighed in relief when the Doctor simply smiled a little and said.
�I think we�ll call it a day.�
I nodded gratefully as I stood up and then proceeded to leave, making a note to tell Doctor Janet that I never wanted to attend a therapy session again.