THE MAN WHO WOULD BE PRESIDENT

I have taken the oath of office many times where I swore on the Bible to uphold the Constitution and the Laws of the United States of America. However, I would remind everyone that laws, rules, regulations, and even the Constitution are for others—not for me. For those few who are unaware of who I am and where I came from, allow me to briefly inform you of my credentials.

I was very unfortunate as a child living in a sumptuous hotel suite where I occasionally went hungry simply because room service was too slow. I was forced to attend a private school when I would have much rather played cowboys and Indians and gone fishing,. This elitist school deprived me of the opportunity to associate with those underprivileged, uneducated classes who would later become my staunchest supporters. I did, however, get a reprieve during summer vacations when I could return to those “old tobacco fields of home”. At a very young age I realized with pride that my family had ties to Joe Stalin’s friend, Armand Hammer. This relationship made us part of “Big Oil” even before anyone realized there was such a thing.

Here, in no particular order, is a list of the accomplishments I am proud to include on my resume:

	I enrolled in Divinity School, but quit when I found out I couldn’t teach God anything.
	I volunteered for a few months service in Viet Nam primarily for political reasons. I’ll have to admit, though, I did look good in that tailored uniform.
	Since I obviously knew more than the faculty, I only stayed in law school for a few semesters.
	Even though I really enjoyed my stint as a newspaper reporter, I was forced to resign because it didn’t pay enough to support my ego.
	The fine folks of my home state finally had enough of me. They were kind enough to ship me off to Congress where for many years I enjoyed a stellar career, selling my votes and raising money.
	I spent a lot of time writing a book so important it should become the Environmental Bible for the 21st century.
	I didn’t invent the telephone. But, I sure learned how to use the one in my federal office to raise tons of money for political campaigning. Why, I even managed to have a group of religious individuals living under a vow of poverty to hold a fundraiser on my behalf.
	After that paragon of virtue, Bill Clinton, selected me as his Vice President, I attended many top-level meetings in the White House. Unfortunately, due to my fondness for iced tea, I always found myself on a potty break when anything really important was discussed.
	There was a book written and a movie made about my love life! As flattering as this was, it upset me because I personally did not see any of the royalty payments.

Those Hollywood types who live in the same Fantasy Land that I do, have given my campaign a considerable amount of money. It is imperative that I be elected President because too many “stars” swore they would leave the country otherwise. We all know America couldn’t survive without them. I also I owe a debt of gratitude to all the Democratic partisans who make nightly television appearances using the most twisted logic they can muster to support my efforts to steal the presidential election. Likewise, I appreciate the tireless efforts of the activist judges and attorneys who are willing to corrupt any law that stands in my way. I really feel sorry for those of you who only had your vote counted once. Maybe you should consider moving to our nation’s new capital, Florida.

As you may have guessed by now, my name is Al Gore. You better get ready, because you’re going to have to send in the army to get me out of this office.

Gene Mays

November 24, 2000